"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

I remember reading those words at age 14 in 9th grade English as we began reading A Tale of Two Cities. Little did I know then that 12 years later, I would live those words.

2009 brought us the best of times in the time we had together as a family. 2009 brought us complete and perfect joy in the shape of a cuddly little baby who made our lives happy and whole. 2009 brought us the excitement of becoming parents for the first time and all of the fun that comes along with that. 2009 brought us everything we ever wanted.

2009 also brought us to our knees as our world came crashing down around us. 2009 brought us the nightmare every parent hopes to avoid....the one every parent imagines but hopes and prays doesn't actually happen. It happened to us. Our perfect, beautiful baby boy was taken from us much too soon without cause...without reason...without warning.

When I think back over the past year, the following words come to mind:

Unconditional Love

The list does go on, but I'm sure you've gotten the point by now. Over the past year, especially the past four months, I have gone through every emotion possible. I still feel the rawness of the hurt and pain of our loss. I still feel the joy I felt every time he would smile, laugh, or grasp my finger. I still feel the motherly instinct to nurture him...and only him. I thought that being around other babies would bring that back out, but it doesn't. I only want to nurture MY child because that's MY job, MY calling, to be a mother to MY child. And I can't. I'll go through the rest of my life feeling as if my job is unfinished because our time with him was cut so short. I won't get to watch him grow up, learn, make mistakes, graduate, get married, etc. I won't get to be "Mom" to him through all of that. Therefore, as long as we're on this earth, I will feel incomplete.

So many of you say you just can't imagine. Think about everything I just wrote - compare it to your life - imagine what you would be missing out on with your own child - feel that pinch of pain? Magnify that by a million. Now you know.

It would be easier to say that 2009 is a year I'd love to forget, but that would mean forgetting Ayden's birth and the fourt wonderful months we had with him (13 for me...). For that reason, I would never ever wish 2009 away. I would never wish we could have skipped it. I wouldn't trade those 4 months for anything....ever.

In four months, my purpose was made clear to me. In four months, I learned the meaning of ultimate joy, contentment, and happiness. I learned what it truly means to see a miracle and sit in awe of God's creation. In four months, I learned to love like never before.

2009 will be a hard year to remember, but it will be a year we will never forget. I wish I knew where we were going from here. It's so easy, entering a new year, to go into with hopes and aspirations. I'm cautious about that now. I used to be able to envision the future and have goals....usually attainable goals. But when raising your child - an attainable goal - is one that you see fall from your grasp, you aren't so quick to set goals for yourself again.

Going into the new year, all I have are hopes. I hope for the following things:

Renewed trust
Newfound hope
A break from the bad stuff
More good news than bad

We have lived the worst, but that doesn't mean we're immune to more of the "worst." That's what scares me most. More bad has the possibility of coming, and I pray every day that God will see fit to spare us from the "worst" circumstances for a while. A long while.

With each passing day, I am more aware of the fact that this world is not my home. I have become truly disgusted with this world. I'm not saying I don't find good in it; I do. I see a lot of good, but I am just disgusted by all that is wrong with this world. And it continues to get worse every day. I'm sick of hatred, disrespect, lack of courtesy and consideration, vulgarity, and materialism. This is not what God intended for us, and that becomes clearer to me as each day passes. My home is in Heaven with my Lord and my little boy. I need nothing more.

2010 is just another year. I believe it will bring new hope and new happiness - I truly do. However, my jaded eyes just see another year. My perspective will change. I won't always approach each day, month, year in this way. But this year, it's my reality, so I'm doing the best I can with it. I pray that God will continue to heal my heart and renew my spirit as only He can do. He's already done some work in me - I see things changing, but I still have a ways to go.

I hope 2010 brings only the best to you and yours. However, if you find yourself living "the worst" in 2010, just know that a new year won't fix it all. A new year won't magically make it all better. Cling to hope, faith, and the promises of Christ. That's what will get me through this year and the years to come.



  1. reading this post as it were out of my own head.. I can't imagine always gets me..well, no..unless you have lost a child you cant...nothing even close to it.. praying 2010 is better than 2009..for all of us.. hugs..

  2. Praying your year brings all that God has for you!!

  3. I have followed your story from the beginning Lindsay, and I am sending prayers your way that 2010 will bring you some joy and happiness back into your life. I will keep Ayden's button on my blog to keep his memory alive. My thoughts are with you each day from afar.

  4. praying for new beginnings... we need to get together soon. i'll facebook you about it :)

  5. I can't imagine gets me too but what gets me more is when people say it as if it is an excuse not to try to imagine, to pretend it could never happen to them, to ignore the pain and the grief. I hope 2010 brings happiness and new hope. And no we will never forget 2009 and will never want to.

  6. I am crying with you Lindsay. You WILL make it thru this. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I do know that God has promised to be with you ALWAYS, no matter what. He is holding Ayden right now and his is loving him and one day you will be too.

  7. Dear one,
    I am praying for you. God has felt your pain and knows how to comfort you.


  8. Lindsay, This is such a profound and beautifully written post. You have a gfit with words and expressing yourself that enables others to "feel" right along with you. You've endured what no parent should ever have to endure. My God Bless you in 2010. I continue to pray for you.

  9. My heart goes out to you. We too lost a child. Our two year old died in 2007 and my heart aches for her always. We have two other children but I am not the same ever since. My passion for homemaking and all things domestic seems to have died with her. I put my all into her and struggle daily to keep joyful for my remaining children. My mourning was put on hold when I surprisingly became pregnant with our third child when my second was 9 months old. All I wanted was to spend time with the girl I had left and I am so sick and miserable when pregnant so that was difficult.

    You really can't imagine until it happens to you. I read a story about an 18 month old dying about a month before we lost our little girl. I tried to imagine and every day thanked God my little girl was still with us. Then she was taken, nothing I could imagine could have prepared me for that. And I don't think I could bear to lose another. I'm glad my other two are still here.

    Stay strong and lean on the Lord.

  10. Lindsay,

    Your words....wow.
    And your honesty...wow.

    And to everything that you said about heaven and this world and hope....Amen, Amen, Amen.

    I love you and miss you.


  11. You are right about everything you wrote. I have always wished that, somehow, everyone in the world could feel the pain we have felt, the pain we will carry with us until the day we die...without loosing a child...just somehow feel it anyway, for just 10 minutes.It would be the worst 10 minutes of their life. But, more people would understand, and we wouldn't feel so alone in this world we were forced to be in...

    Not trying to be mean by saying I wish this pain on everyone...but 10minutes is NOTHING compaired to feeling it for the rest of your life...nothing.

    I'm sorry the two of you have to experience the pain I have felt for 7 years - but I promise it gets better.

    I do understand what the two of you are going through, and I love you - Kelley

  12. I hope 2010 brings everything you hope for it. I am guilty of always saying I can't imagine. I don't mean it to be hurtful or to "get to" people but I see the love that you have for Ayden, the thankfulness you had for him and that is exactly how I feel about my children. I literally can not imagine my life without them (as I am sure you couldn't either.) I am sorry my worst nightmare is your reality. I am sorry you lost Ayden but I still can not imagine it. I love your blog but I didn't realize that I could be hurting you (not just me, all commenters). I am sorry if I ever did. I just want you to know I am praying for you and will never forget what you have shared with us about your sweet, sweet boy.

  13. Such an insightful look at 2009. Your words give me a chance to relook at my year of loss in a different light, one with light not just darkness.

    I pray 2010 will be a gentle year for you.

  14. "With each passing day, I am more aware of the fact that this world is not my home."

    I was thinking this same thing today. I am sick of this world and all that is wrong with it and I long to be home with my Lord and my babies. I'm ready to go but I have to be content that God is not done with me here yet. Of course, I'd love for him to return right now and take us home.

  15. Well said. I have become detached from this world when my little girl died. I long so much for Christ to come back. Until then, I am hoping with you for this year.