2009

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

I remember reading those words at age 14 in 9th grade English as we began reading A Tale of Two Cities. Little did I know then that 12 years later, I would live those words.

2009 brought us the best of times in the time we had together as a family. 2009 brought us complete and perfect joy in the shape of a cuddly little baby who made our lives happy and whole. 2009 brought us the excitement of becoming parents for the first time and all of the fun that comes along with that. 2009 brought us everything we ever wanted.

2009 also brought us to our knees as our world came crashing down around us. 2009 brought us the nightmare every parent hopes to avoid....the one every parent imagines but hopes and prays doesn't actually happen. It happened to us. Our perfect, beautiful baby boy was taken from us much too soon without cause...without reason...without warning.

When I think back over the past year, the following words come to mind:

Joy
Contentment
Happiness
Elation
Unconditional Love
Fear
Caution
Anxiety
Relief
Pride
Devastation
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Anger
Lost
Empty
Forsaken
Hurt
Depression
Crushed
Beaten
Broken

The list does go on, but I'm sure you've gotten the point by now. Over the past year, especially the past four months, I have gone through every emotion possible. I still feel the rawness of the hurt and pain of our loss. I still feel the joy I felt every time he would smile, laugh, or grasp my finger. I still feel the motherly instinct to nurture him...and only him. I thought that being around other babies would bring that back out, but it doesn't. I only want to nurture MY child because that's MY job, MY calling, to be a mother to MY child. And I can't. I'll go through the rest of my life feeling as if my job is unfinished because our time with him was cut so short. I won't get to watch him grow up, learn, make mistakes, graduate, get married, etc. I won't get to be "Mom" to him through all of that. Therefore, as long as we're on this earth, I will feel incomplete.

So many of you say you just can't imagine. Think about everything I just wrote - compare it to your life - imagine what you would be missing out on with your own child - feel that pinch of pain? Magnify that by a million. Now you know.

It would be easier to say that 2009 is a year I'd love to forget, but that would mean forgetting Ayden's birth and the fourt wonderful months we had with him (13 for me...). For that reason, I would never ever wish 2009 away. I would never wish we could have skipped it. I wouldn't trade those 4 months for anything....ever.

In four months, my purpose was made clear to me. In four months, I learned the meaning of ultimate joy, contentment, and happiness. I learned what it truly means to see a miracle and sit in awe of God's creation. In four months, I learned to love like never before.

2009 will be a hard year to remember, but it will be a year we will never forget. I wish I knew where we were going from here. It's so easy, entering a new year, to go into with hopes and aspirations. I'm cautious about that now. I used to be able to envision the future and have goals....usually attainable goals. But when raising your child - an attainable goal - is one that you see fall from your grasp, you aren't so quick to set goals for yourself again.

Going into the new year, all I have are hopes. I hope for the following things:

Restoration
Renewed trust
Newfound hope
Rejuvination
Comfort
Strength
Confidence
Joy
A break from the bad stuff
More good news than bad

We have lived the worst, but that doesn't mean we're immune to more of the "worst." That's what scares me most. More bad has the possibility of coming, and I pray every day that God will see fit to spare us from the "worst" circumstances for a while. A long while.

With each passing day, I am more aware of the fact that this world is not my home. I have become truly disgusted with this world. I'm not saying I don't find good in it; I do. I see a lot of good, but I am just disgusted by all that is wrong with this world. And it continues to get worse every day. I'm sick of hatred, disrespect, lack of courtesy and consideration, vulgarity, and materialism. This is not what God intended for us, and that becomes clearer to me as each day passes. My home is in Heaven with my Lord and my little boy. I need nothing more.

2010 is just another year. I believe it will bring new hope and new happiness - I truly do. However, my jaded eyes just see another year. My perspective will change. I won't always approach each day, month, year in this way. But this year, it's my reality, so I'm doing the best I can with it. I pray that God will continue to heal my heart and renew my spirit as only He can do. He's already done some work in me - I see things changing, but I still have a ways to go.

I hope 2010 brings only the best to you and yours. However, if you find yourself living "the worst" in 2010, just know that a new year won't fix it all. A new year won't magically make it all better. Cling to hope, faith, and the promises of Christ. That's what will get me through this year and the years to come.