Short but so sweet....

So, I haven't been so secretive about the fact that I have been using ambien to help me sleep. I can tell you, I am so glad I let everyone talk me into it. I have definitely needed the help falling asleep. However, I really don't like how groggy it makes me in the mornings. I will wake up around 9, but I won't get out of the bed until close to 11 because I'm so groggy. Well, I now have one ambien left. I didn't want to go cold turkey....take the last one and then the next night have nothing. So, I went and got an over-the-counter sleep aid, and I have melatonin in case I don't like the over-the-counter kind. I tried the over-the-counter last night, and it went okay. I woke up at 4 and I was wide awake, but I managed to get myself back to sleep. I woke up around 7:30, when Jeremy was leaving....went back to sleep....finally woke up around 10. From about 8-10, though, I was in and out of sleep....too groggy to actually get up. I need to start going to bed earlier; I think that will help. I'm not even going to tell you what time I usually go to's late.

I dreamt of Ayden all night long last night. I love dreaming of him because, in a way, I get him back for that short period of time. In my dreams, it was much like dreams I've mentioned before. I felt puzzled about why he was able to be there with me because I knew he wasn't supposed to be, but as with past dreams....I just went with it and took advantage while I could. I remember him being so happy.....and me being thrilled out of my mind. I just held him...the entire time....I never let go of him in my dreams. I remember a funny moment. I was holding him, and I looked at Jeremy and said, "When was the last time he pooped?" And then I looked at Ayden, and I said, "Well, I think you're going right now aren't you?" And it just came and came....and it was all over my hands. I remember just laughing and laughing, and Ayden was laughing too. At one point, we were around other people, and I remember them being so surprised to see him, but it wasn't an unnatural surprise; it was a super-excited, so happy that he's back kind of emotion. As I was finally waking up, I remember I wasn't holding him, but I could hear him....and as I woke up, all I could hear was his laughter. How sweet....but sad at the same time. I love having dreams about him, but they make me miss him more (if that's even possible).

Well, that's all for now. I have to start my day....



  1. ((HUGS))... May God grant you peace & allow you to sleep better.



  2. I would sleep all day if I could have dreams like that! I am so happy for you and glad that you were able to make the transition. I find that the only way I am able to have sort of reasonable sleep (which is sometimes more of an aspiration than a reality) is to try to plan things and make sure I have things I need to do. Not always the easiest but perhaps that will be a good aspect of your return to work.

  3. Good luck with the Ambien transition. I took ambien and finally weened myself off it. It was hard at first but worth it to not be denpendent anymore.

    I'm so glad you have your dreams to turn to when you need to see Ayden and hold him.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts today.

  4. I'm glad you have had dreams about your sweet boy. I am one who remembers my dreams every morning, but my husband never remembers his. I have not had a dream about Noah since he died. :o( I'm still waiting for one.

  5. what a great way to wake up! I use to love hearing him happy in the morning - made my day start off on a good note. Hopefully the dreams will help you the same way.

  6. I fall asleep quickly but then wake up shortly thereafter, wide awake. To help this I take melatonin 3 mg nightly. I will also use a quarter of a 5mg tablet on occassion if needed. (My doctor approves of this, although he said I could just lick the tablet. HA HA). I wake up in the morning after the Ambien and am NOT groggy. Just a suggestion.

  7. So glad you get visits from sweet Ayden at night!

    After Grayson our doctor didn't let us stay on ambien very long...we wanted to longer. After a couple of nights without it, though, I started sleeping through most of the night...

    Praying for y'all to get sleep.

    Thinking about you & love you - Kelley

  8. You're so lucky to dream about your Ayden, I haven't dreamed about my Jenna since I was carrying her. I miss that. In your last post, you were saying how looking at Christmas decorations was so hard because everyone around you does it with joy and laughter. I was at the store the other day and almost couldn't breathe. It was so hard just looking at the ornaments, I wanted one for her. Not liking these Christmas blues...


  9. I've had trouble sleeping too since Ella passed.. sometimes I still have to take a tylenol pm or even a valium if its just too much.. even if I don't take anything in the morning, I am still groggy..or perhaps its the lack of motivation to get the day started without her..I dunno..

    The dreams are great and horrible at the same time..its so great to "see and hear them," but its so hard to wake up without often makes for an extremely long day afterward for me.. but its worth feel close to them..

  10. I read your blog regularly and am often reduced to tears by your raw honesty. I think writing it must be good for you and a wonderful way for you express your feelings about your precious son, Ayden. I couldn't presume to know how you must be feeling but your expressive writing takes me very close. A little place in England thinks of you and wishes you comfort and peace and honours Ayden's memory.
    May God bless you all.

  11. It's so nice to have dreams about them and yours had a little humor in there with the pooping!

  12. I had a crazy idea.

    One of the wnderful parts of Christams is the gifting, giving and receiving....who doesn't love getting something special!

    I was thinking about the expectation of buying gifts for Ayden and the huge disappointment and heartbreak you face instead.

    What if you did buy gifts and receive gifts on behalf of Ayden and then donated them somewhere meaningful to you and Jeremy?

    I think as parents we long for our children to make the world a better place. This perhaps would be a way, this Christmas, for Ayden to share both his love and the love people have for him with others.