Our Christmas

Getting through Thanksgiving was the first hoop. Next, Christmas. Surprisingly, we did exceptionally well. I think seeing that we could make it through the first "big" holiday made this one a little easier. However, we've begun to go into each day as if it's just any other day, and we did the same with Christmas. Sure, we recognized that it was a day of celebration, but for us, it was another day....another day without Ayden. Just because it was a holiday, it wouldn't be any harder because every day is hard enough. We opted out of gift opening wherever we went (for the most part), so here was our line-up for the day:

1st - We went to visit Ayden's spot. He will always share these days with us....he is always in our hearts.

2nd - My Grandma's: Ate lunch, visited with family, opened one gift with my grandma because it's so special to her, then we left the rest for my sister to bring back with her.

3rd - "Intermission" Between my grandma's and Jeremy's there was a big gap of time since we were avoiding gift opening, so we went to a movie. We saw Sherlock Holmes - not bad, but not AS good as I had expected.

4th - Jeremy's Grandma's: Perfect timing - the last gift was being opened as we walked in. We opened our gifts from everyone later on.

5th - Jeremy's parents' house: We did open gifts here because we wanted to see Wesley (our nephew) open his gifts. Our gifts, though, were not wrapped per my request. I actually liked not having them wrapped......less mess and pretty much the same effect. Wesley was not very interested in the whole thing, and he was super tired. I ended up rocking him to sleep against his will. You can't fight a rocking chair....

We had "Christmas" with my parents on Christmas Eve. We kept it very simple with them this year, so they came to our house and had dinner with us and we exchanged our gifts then. Ayden is my parents' only grandchild, so they have had the same feelings towards Christmas as we have. We didn't put up a tree this year, and we didn't buy big gifts. Our gifts to family and friends this year were giftcards. That's all I could get the energy to buy. I'm hoping next Christmas will be different. Christmas is my favorite holiday, but for obvious reasons....it was just another day this year.

I know that when future children come into the picture, Christmas will have the appeal it once had, but this year, I just went through the day as if it were any other. Christmas will be bittersweet for the rest of my life. I will look forward to it for the joy it brings and for the meaning it holds, but I will always see the little one who is missing. A good friend of mine who lost her first child to a stillbirth commented recently about how Christmas is still hard for her. 18 years later, and the absence of their daughter still brings tears to her eyes. I saw my future self in her in that moment....how my life will go on, but the hole in my heart will never fully close. We will always miss him and always feel his absence, even when joy has trickled back in.

After Christmas day, we went home to pack for a trip to SC. We visited my cousin and her family for a few days. My cousin is pregnant with their 4th child - a little girl. They currently have one girl and two boys. It was so great to finally see her pregnant! I had never seen her pregnant until now. She's so cute. :) We had a good time visiting with them and playing with the kids. I could write so much about my cousin, but I'll save it for another day. In short - she is someone I greatly admire, and I love her so much. I value her insight and opinion over most, and I've always strived to be like her. She is the big sister I never had. Jeremy and I got sick while we were visiting. Not sure what it was, but it was ugly. Luckily, it didn't stick around too long. It was out of Jeremy's system after a day, and out of mine after two. We think we might have eaten something on the way to SC that didn't agree, or maybe we both caught a bug at the same time. Whatever it was, I don't want it again anytime soon.

With 2010 approaching, I've been forced to look back over the past year (saving that for another post) and to also try to remain hopeful for the year to come. I've always been an optimist - it's a quality I pride myself in - and I just hope that 2010 has good things in store. Normally, I would say that I believe that it does, but given the circumstances of the past year, I think "hope" is all I can give at this point. So, here's hoping 2010 brings new blessings, new joy, new hopes, and tons of restoration.