That's what I'm doing right this minute.
I'm going to try to convey what I'm feeling, but words are not adequate. If I could put into words how painful this is..... I don't even think those words exist.
It's moments like these when there is no end in sight. It feels like this is going to last forever. Words like "never" pop into my mind, and I find myself believing that I will never see him again, never hold him again, never be his mommy again.
I just miss him so badly. What a simple way to express how much this hurts. Today everything just came rushing back. Our time with him, how much I adore him and loved being home with him. Then my thoughts went to "that day". I don't talk much about it because...well who would? But I can't get the images out of my head. I wasn't even there, but I can see it in my head, and that just breaks me into a million pieces.
I know (well, desperately hope) that we will have more children. But they will never be Ayden. I will love them just as unconditionally as I love Ayden, but they will never fill this hole in my heart. They will bring happiness and joy back into our home and our lives, but the happiness and joy he brought to us will always be missing. I miss how full my heart felt when he was here. I miss how happy our home was. I miss his beautiful face - how I would just sit and look at him....never tired of looking at him....just taking in God's miracle in this beautiful child. And now he's gone, and on days like today.....it seems like I will never have him back.
It's so easy to say that this world is not our home.....this isn't forever....but explain that to my heart when one day without him feels like an eternity. I know he is safe, happy, content, joyful, but I'm not....and the one thing that can make me feel whole again can't come back to me. It's just so cruel. To be given someone so special to you. To have everything you ever hoped for in your child. To have your dream come true right there in your arms. And then....to have to live without him. How do you live after that? What kind of existence can there be?
I've just really been struggling lately. And believe me, I know what many people would say in response. Just lean on God....give Him your burdens....let Him carry it for you. Yes, I know all of that. I'm trying. And that's the best I've got right now. That's all I can give. I'm trying the best I can.
I wish this whole world could have known him because he truly is such a beautiful, happy child. I wish the world could have felt the sincere love and adoration I share(d) with him. I wish I felt as connected to God now as I did when I was thanking Him daily....sometimes hourly....for the gift we were given in Ayden. I was completely and totally aware of the miracle we had in him, but God still allowed him to be taken. I struggle with that......that we KNEW, and know, how blessed we were. We didn't take one second for granted, but He still allowed it to happen. I don't understand that. I know God's will is perfect and good. I know he is sovereign. But I don't understand how I'm supposed to be expected to see good in this right now.
I didn't write this for pity or for people to have something to read or comment on. This blog is my outlet, and the rest of you are just out there...reading it....I guess because I'd rather know someone is reading it than no one.
Thank you all for sticking with me....reading on "good" days and then days like today....that are just ugly and sad.
I love you Ayden. I'm amazed at how my love for you continues to grow daily. Although you aren't here with me to receive it, I know it is being sent to you above. I long for the day when I am allowed to join you. All I can pray for is for my purpose here to be fulfilled in its time, so I can join you once that time comes. I'd be lying if I didn't say I hoped for that time every single day. I miss you....more than words will ever possibly express. I know you're safe, but I will always be your mommy, so I will always want to be with you and take care of you. Eventhough it may not seem like it to me, I know that when I see you again, it will be as if we had never been parted. I love you, sweet, beautiful boy.
It's a pain that nobody should ever have to bear. I'm just so sorry for your hurt.
ReplyDeleteLindsay,
ReplyDeleteI will not say any of those platitudes from the "list."
I love you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold you right now.
this sucks and I hate hate hate it for you.
Lindsay, I wish I had the right words to say. I wish that I could crawl through this screen and give you a hug. I relate to so much of what you wrote. Especially the part about not understanding why were given our precious angels just to have them taken away. I dont have any magic words. I just wanted to let you know that Im thinking of you. *HUGS*
ReplyDeletehang in there. praying for a better day tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI am here, reading on the "good" days and the bad. Thinking of Ayden, and you and Jeremy.
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I pray for you, I am so sorry this has happened to you.
ReplyDeleteMy heart still breaks for you. I am continually praying fo the two of you and will be praying even more feverously during the next couple weeks!
ReplyDeleteWish there was more I could do.
When you shall see Him face to face...you will know. You will know that your prayers were answered, that you did indeed fulfill your purpose on this earth, and, as you said, it will be as though you and your sweet baby were never parted. I can not say I understand. I can not say I know how you feel. But here in Iowa, I feel your pain and I pray for your peace in this world. You do have a purpose. Don't ever forget that. You were meant to be here right now and here you must stay until the day comes when there is no more pain and no more sorrow. Prayers................
ReplyDeleteI love you Lindsay! I wish I were there to give you a hug. I know the pain. I PROMISE it's not forever, I promise. I felt the way you did, and said those same words!
ReplyDeleteYes, having more kids helps, but I felt better before that! You will too, I promise. This is NOT the rest of your life! And YES...YOU WILL BE WITH AYDEN AGAIN!
I love you!!! Wish I could say some magic words to help, because I know your pain...
I didn't think I was going to get through it, I thought it was going to kill me somehow, I mean literally. I did make it through, and you will too. This pain is not forever!!!
I love you Lindsay
I had to comment again, it's hard to leave your blog tonight. My heart is so heavy for the two of you, I hurt for y'all. So does Clayton.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could say...
I am here for you and I love you - Kelley
I understand 10,ooo gallons of tears I understand. There are no words to explain just how bad this is and how bad it hurts. It shakes you to the very core. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Crystal
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Lindsey. I read your blog everyday and I just thank you for getting it all out so that others can read it, learn from it, and keep you in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to tell you to lean on God...I know that you already are, but I also know that those words mean very little in heartache. The only thing I'm going to do today is ask that our loving Savior would pick you up and hold you, because sometimes it's just too hard to lean on Him. Curl up in His arms and let it out.
I don't have words to say, so I'll just say that I'm thinking of you, and the rest of your family. I'll pray that God will give you glimpses of Ayden when you have these really hard days, so they might ease your mind/heart a little...if that's possible.
ReplyDeleteYou amaze me more and more each day...I pray for your strength every single night. You are such an inspiration to all moms everywhere.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you. What a special little boy Ayden is. That is evident in his pictures and the words that you use to describe him. Please know that while there are no words that one could ever say to relieve your pain, I pray for you daily. God blessed you with a special baby and he blessed Ayden with a special Mommy.
ReplyDeleteYou have to allow yourself these bad days Lindsay. It is perfectly normal for you feel this way after losing your precious son. I know that faith is premier in your life and that is a wonderful thing but you are human and we all have strengths and weaknesses. I think you have incredible strength dealing with Ayden's untimely passing as you describe on your blog. I am certain the emptiness and sorrow is overwhelming for you. Don't expect too much of yourself every day. Grieving is a journey like any other life experience and you are travelling this one with great deal of dignity and your love for Ayden always shines through no matter how bad you may be feeling. I believe you will be reunited with Ayden on the other side and I am convinced you will have other children. You are such a good Mummy to Ayden and you will be to your other children too. There is nothing fair about a mother losing her child nor a reason to understand why it happened. Sending you hugs and wishing you comfort from England.
ReplyDeletexx
Dear Lindsay,
ReplyDeleteSometimes it feels like we are holding on by a thread. But the thread even though it seems thin and weak leads to Jesus. In my life I have held on to that thread many times and I have given the thread a name. It's HOPE AND GRACE. Just like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow the end of the thread will bring you joy and blessings. Keep holding on and you will make it through. I love you so much. You are not alone in this, you are in my heart."Keep Ayden's love close to you to bring you comfort".
XO
ReplyDeletelike the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow there is a multitudeLindsay,
ReplyDeleteSometimes in life it feels like we are holding on by a thread. But even though it's a long, thin thread it does lead to Jesus and if that's the only thing keeping us connected we just hold on.
I've held on to the thread many times in my life and I now I know that thread is called HOPE and GRACE. So keep holding on because of blessings at the end of the thread. I love you so much. You are going to make it!
I read your blog daily and I just can not fathom what you are going through. I can imagine, you hear that a whole lot. I can't say anything you haven't already heard. And having never gone through this makes me not want to say anything. I can't compare anything in my life that can relate to your hurt.
ReplyDeleteJust know I am praying for you and your husband. And don't thank us for reading your "bad" days and good days. My goodness, you are more than entitled to a bad day. I feel honored to be able to read your blog.
God bless,
T
Not a day goes by that I don't pray for you. I'm so sorry for your sorrow and pain.
ReplyDeletePraying for you...I don't know what your going through, but I pray God's peace surrounds you!
ReplyDeleteI miss how full my heart felt when he was here.
ReplyDeleteThat really touched me. Our stories are different, but I was never happier than when I was pregnant with Oliver and I miss that happiness in a way your words have captured so beautifully. I have often said that I what is most difficult about this grief are the times that I grieve selfishly for what I am missing.
Your letter to Ayden is just beautiful! xo
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry and continue to pray often. My son has that same bib that Ayden has on in the picture in your post today. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteOh Lindsey...I am here...I am reading... and I will not forget your beautiful baby boy...
ReplyDeleteKathryn in Kansas City
Sending you hugs. The emptiness is so painful I know! Everything reminds us of our precious baby! The presence of his absence is every where. I pray that your tomorrow is more peaceful, as we take it one day at a time. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI am crying for you and I have no words. I just wanted to let you know that your prayers and cries are being heard. They are being heard by those of us who read your blog and by the one who created us. He IS holding your precious boy right now. And He IS loving on him like I know you want to so bad. Hang in there....it will be so worth it when you see him again.
ReplyDeleteIt hurts and no child can ever replace the one who is gone. Like you said you can add joy but there is always a piece missing.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you are using your blog as an outlet for your emotions. God gives us emotions for a reason and as much as you can give your burdens to HIM I think you need to go through all of these emotions before you'll ever start to heal. I pray for you guys daily and hope that someday joy is returned to your life with a new baby. He or she will NEVER replace Ayden, but can maybe give you guys something to be happy about again. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I HATE that you are having to go through this; its unimaginable. I wish I could be there to give you a hug or make the hurt go away somehow, but since I can't do that I will always be here to listen as you pour your heart out on your blog.
ReplyDeleteHave you seen this before? A girl on my birth board posted it today and I thought of you. She lost a little girl as well. She is one of the children pictured.
ReplyDeletefaithslodge.org
Just know that every night when you lay your head down on your pillow, you are one day closer to peace. The pain will never go completely away, but time does help you to cope with it. For a while, it will be right beneath the surface, every single minute of every single day. But as time goes on, that wound starts to heal, slowly, one layer at a time, and one day, the pain will no longer consume every moment of your life. You will be happy again---you will. But it will take time. And don't beat yourself up over questioning God on this---He knows how hard this is for you, and He understands you asking Him why He allowed this in your life. One day at a time....it WILL get better... Praying for you! Beth and Lindsey Page's Mom, Melody Page
ReplyDeleteJust know that every night when you lay your head down on your pillow, you are one day closer to peace. The pain will never go completely away, but time does help you to cope with it. For a while, it will be right beneath the surface, every single minute of every single day. But as time goes on, that wound starts to heal, slowly, one layer at a time, and one day, the pain will no longer consume every moment of your life. You will be happy again---you will. But it will take time. And don't beat yourself up over questioning God on this---He knows how hard this is for you, and He understands you asking Him why He allowed this in your life. One day at a time....it WILL get better... Praying for you! Beth and Lindsey Page's Mom, Melody Page
ReplyDeleteThis is my first visit to your blog and I can't even remember how I found it. A button somewhere.
ReplyDeleteI also lost a son. He lived for only two hours, so the circumstances are different, but the pain is the same. No one who hasn't experienced the death of a child can understand it. They just can't.
I wanted to reply to your statements about having more children. We already had one son and when Nathaniel died I wanted and needed to get pregnant as soon as possible. We've since had two more boys. None of them do or could ever replace Nathaniel. Their births didn't take away the pain of losing Nathaniel, but they did insulate it a bit... if that makes any sense.
Nathaniel's death -losing him- is a wound that will never fully heal. The birth of his brothers just makes it less easy to rip the scab off. The hole is still there, but the love we have for our other children protects us from the always present, all-encompassing, heart-breaking grief.
I have no idea whether or not that will be of comfort to you. In the months that followed Nathaniel's death, I recoiled at the mere idea that it would someday be better. My arms were empty so I latched on to the pain. The pain hurt, but it kept me from feeling empty and it somehow tied me to him.
So many people said so many things that they meant to be helpful, but weren't. One statement that I will always remember that was helpful was when someone told me that each day that passed was actually bringing me closer to seeing my son again. It hurt so much to feel myself moving away from him and my time with him, but it's actually the opposite. Each day brings us closer to our precious boys. We will see them again.
Blessing on you this holiday season. The first Christmas after Nathaniel died -with all the talk of the baby boy, Mary, etc- was REALLY hard.
Be gentle with yourself.