Still here...

I haven't posted in a few days. Not much going on around here...nothing new anyway. The fact that nothing new is going on around here is sad in itself because we should have a 7 month-old here to keep things fun and interesting all the time.

I'm going to try to not make this depressing.

Friday, Jeremy and I went to see The Phantom of the Opera in Durham. The travelling group is here for about 3 weeks. I have seen Phatom before. I saw it in New York when I was 14, so now as a 26 year old, I knew I'd look at with a new perspective. Since seeing it the first time, I have seen the movie several times and I have worn out the soundtrack from playing it over and over. I was afraid that I would be bored seeing it again since I already knew what was going on. However, I was the opposite of bored. I was so pulled into it the whole time, I think I forgot to breathe at some moments. A little known fact about me is that I love musicals....especially broadway musicals. I'm no expert by any means, but I love the excitement of them. After seeing Phantom the first time, I had decided that I was going to move to New York, get a voice coach, and sing on broadway....and one day be Christinne in Phantom. My voice is actually well-suited for her part. In my adolescent mind, that was a simple task and one that was completely sensible. It makes me laugh, now.

Anyway, we went to Durham, had a nice dinner and then went to the show. It started at 8, and it didn't end until 11:30. We finally got home around 1am. Fine with me....that is usually when I start to fall asleep. I was still wide awake, so I decided to watch the movie version of Phantom so I could compare the similarities and differences. My opinion: the show is better...hands down. Jeremy couldn't hang with me, so he went to sleep. I eventually fell asleep around 3:30 after finishing the movie. Needless to say, I slept in on Saturday.

The one thing that kept going through my mind while we were gone Friday night was the fact that we shouldn't have the freedom we now have to just go and do. I was focused on trying to enjoy myself, but in the back of my mind, I was incredibly sad. I hated that we could just pick up and go....and stay out late....because we have nothing to rush back to. I would gladly give up a night out....even one as nice as that one....if it meant I could have Ayden back. I don't want this freedom. I just want my child. I want to be "mommy" again.

Lately, I've felt hit from all angles. I go out somewhere....and there's a newborn, infant, or pregnant woman. I check facebook....someone else has found out they're pregnant or has posted new pictures of their baby. We visit with family....and the constant reminder of his absence is there. His pictures are up, but he isn't there. It seems like everyone around us is so happy and carefree, and we're just stuck in this hole....trying to crawl out...trying to find light somehow...somewhere. And when I begin to be able to crawl out, just a little bit, someone/something pushes me right back down. It's absolutely relentless, and sometimes I'm just too tired to fight back. This month, we will have been without him for as long as we had him. 4 months. It's just not right...

I said I didn't want this to be depressing, so I'd better stop there. I have actually had some really good days recently. The past 2 have just been down days. I expect them, though, and I would think something was wrong with me if I didn't have them. I know I can't change any of this, and I know that if Ayden was given the chance to come back to us, he wouldn't. I wouldn't blame him. I know he is the safest of places and that he is happier than he could have ever been here. That still doesn't take the hurt away, though....

Today I just want to kiss these sweet baby feet. I miss them so much. And I miss him....



  1. Lindsay, I am sorry for your pain and for your bad days. Sounds like you and DH had a nice night out, that's a plus.

    Ayden's toes are soo long and sweet and cute! I bet the angels are kissing them in Heaven, they better get their share in before his mommy gets there.

  2. Hands down logest baby toes I have ever cute.

    I often have told people how weird it was to fall back into the "freedom role." It was so easy, but so sad too.
    God is faithful...He will hold you close and comfort you. Cling to Him and His words...

    Praying, Like always.

  3. What sweet little feet. I definitely hear you on getting hit on all angles... I don't know what it is but every person everywhere seems to have had a little boy around the time I had Oliver and they follow me...

  4. What sweet little feet. I definitely hear you on getting hit from all angles. I feel like I cannot go anywhere without seeing a baby boy born about the time Oliver was.

  5. What beautiful little feet!!!

    I'm so glad you enjoyed the musical. I love them also. Several years ago Clayton and I went to NYC and saw Mamma Mia on broadway. It was shortly after Grayson moved to Heaven so I felt the way you did...

    Thinking of you and love you!!! Kelley

  6. I wish I could take all your pain away. Those are some beautiful feet! xo

  7. Oooohhh look at those long toes :) Praying for your empty arms mama!!

  8. I love his little toes. . . I know that he will be getting lots of extra cuddles in heaven during the Christmas season. . .Prayers going up for you.

  9. I looooove Phantom! I've listened to the soundtrack since I was in jr high and I've been able to see if performed twice and I loved it each time. I haven't seen the movie.

    Ayden's feet are just so precious!!

  10. Just wanted to let you know that I continue to think of you and your precious Ayden. My prayers are with you. Hugs!

    Stacey from CA