I almost made it through....

I almost made it through worship this morning without crying. Getting emotional isn't a bad thing. I've gotten used to it and have accepted it as part of who I am now as a result of our loss. I've written before about how the songs affect us. Every word penetrates us sometimes....stings. The weight of the words is hard to fight sometimes, and we've found ourselves hesitant to sing them because speaking them means believing them.



I've come a long way in worship service. I can mouth the words, and I've even begun to sing along....aloud...recently.



Today, though, one of the songs got me.

Into marvelous light I'm running

Out of darkness and out of pain

By the cross, you are the truth

you are the life, you are the way.

My dead heart now is beating

My deepest stains now clean

Your breath fills up my lungs

Now Im free, Now I'm free

Lift my hands and spin around

See the light that I have found

Oh the marvelous light,

marvelous light

Lift my hands and spin,

See the light within....

You know what I envisioned? I saw Ayden, surrounded by marvelous light, and I could hear him saying, "See Mommy? See the light? It's so marvelous! I'm surrounded by HIS marvelous light! I'm out of darkness; I won't ever know pain. I'm free!" I could see him smiling and so full of happiness. And while that is such a beautiful and precious image, it still hurt to feel his absence.

I waver all the time between how I feel about all of this. Part of me is at peace in knowing that Ayden is in Heaven and that I WILL see him again. I find comfort in that. However, I'm also saddened by the fact that he was taken so soon.....I'm sad for myself, for us, for our family, for our future children because we're going to miss out on so much with him here. But I have a hope for the restoration of those missed moments - I will get them back; I'll just have to wait a while. My human mind can't go there all the time, though. Of course I selfishly wish for him to be here. I still ask God to just give him back to me, although I know it isn't possible. I still tell God that I don't understand, and I still ask why? Why such a precious, beautiful baby? Why a baby who was healthy, happy, and had such a future ahead of him? I'll never understand, but one day I'll get my answer.

After we sang Marvelous Light, a perfect song followed. A song I needed to sing from my heart. I may not have been able to get the words out of my mouth, but I meant them.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life

I won't turn back

I know you are near

And I will fear no evil

For my God is with me

And if my God is with me

Whom then shall I fear?

Whom then shall I fear?

Oh, no. You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh, no. You never let go

In every high and every low.

Oh, no. You never let go.

Lord, you never let go of me.

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

We'll live to know you here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

but until that day comes

Still I will praise you, still I will praise you

I remember singing this today and speaking to God, "My heart is holding on, Lord. I will continue to praise....through the good and bad....just as I always have. There will be an end to this heartache and to this corrupt world....but until that day comes, I'll never let go because I know you'll never let go of me." I hope He knows that I mean those words. They're hard to speak at times, and sometimes I wonder if I truly believe them, but I know I do. I know that deep down, I am founded on His promises, and I trust Him more than anything. It's not the easiest thing to do all the time, but I do the best I can.

Lately, the bad days are turning into bad moments. I've had a series of good days lately. The bad moments come - I embrace them....let them take over - and then I let them fade. I've stepped into a state of acceptance. I'm finally accepting that I can't change this. I can't bring Ayden back....as much as I wish I could, I know there is no way I could humanly do that. I'm accepting that God has a purpose for this - a purpose I will one day see. God allowed this to happen for a reason, and while that isn't so comforting to me most of the time, I have to accept it because I really don't have any other choice. Well, I do, but the other option pulls me away from God, and I would be a mess without Him. I can't imagine how people without faith go through something like this. I'm hesitant to say this is the worst thing anyone could ever experience because I don't want to overshadow or negate other tragic experiences, but I can tell you that I never, ever, ever want to feel this pain again. Once is more than enough....more than I can handle sometimes.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. And a quick to message to those of you who responded to my last blog - please don't think you've offended me by saying that you couldn't imagine experiencing this. I doesn't offend me at all, and I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I completely understand that it's probably one of the only things you could think of to say. If it were the other way around, I'd probably say the same thing.

Have a good week, everyone.