I'm still here...

I haven't been writing much lately. Don't give up on me just yet, though. I've just been in a funk. Not much to write about....kind of hit a plateau of sorts. I go to work, come home, sleep.....start the process again. I think that's why I've hit a plateau. My time for "processing" everything has been crammed into a small frame of space. Going back to work has caused me to compartmentalize things. I go into protective mode while I'm with my students (although one class caught me off guard the other day and almost saw me lose it). However, once my planning period rolls around....I usually find that I have to take time to just release it all. It's not an everyday thing, but it's definitely good that I allow it to happen.

Jeremy was out of town this weekend, so my mom came and stayed with me. That was super nice. I didn't like the idea of being here alone, although, the time I did get to myself was well-needed. I needed the time to let a lot of the built up emotion out.

I miss Ayden every day, but lately, I've just missed him so much - so much that it just hurts. That "heart-swelling love" that I have for him - and will always have for him - became too much for me this weekend. I miss having him here for me to pour that love onto. I was thinking a lot about him, wondering if he knew me as his mother, if he knew how much I love him, and if he felt that same love for me. I think I can answer "yes" to all those questions...without a doubt. The connection he and I share(d) is undeniable. You could see the love in his eyes....and I ache to see that again.

So, that's where I am. Work keeps me busy, which is good, but I'm learning that I can't expect work to be a blanket over the emotions....to keep them at bay....because that isn't good. I have to let them come, deal with them, and then let them out. It's just something I like to do privately, and being a teacher doesn't come with a lot of privacy during the day.

In other news - our house is officially on the market. It has been on the market for a week. We'll see how it goes. We're not in any rush to sell it, but we won't be upset if the time comes sooner rather than later. Please pray that the timing of it all will work out well and allow us to end up in a house that will suit us for the changes that are to come.

Hope everyone has a good week.


  1. I won't be the only person who contnues to be amazed by your courage and strength. I have no doubt in my mind that returning to work is the right thing for you to be doing but I also know it comes with another set of problems to overcome. This life is so complex sometimes. The constants I get from your blog are your immense love for Ayden and Jeremy, your deep faith, your amazing courage in such traumatic circumstances and your determination to discover a new normal for your lives. Always in my thoughts and prayers. xx

  2. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and remembering Ayden. Hugs!

    Stacey from CA

  3. i am sorry that you are in a funk. those are so hard to break out of. all of this is just so unfair. i am so sorry your sweet ayden isn't here with you.

  4. I'm still here, reading your thoughts and praying for peace to find you. My husband is a high school English teacher and I commend the work you teachers do each day. I know that your days are very busy but I'm glad you still have the time to reflect on your emotions. Ayden is smiling down on you and Jeremy every day.

    Good luck with the sale of the house and your future plans.

    Amy P.

  5. Ugh, funks. Just gotta take em as they come. Work definitely won't make things go away or get better. It can be a good distraction sometimes.