Introducing....

Ayden's little brother - or - sister....

Yes, God has blessed us with another miracle. We are in awe; we are excited; we are terrified; we continue to mourn....sometimes more heavily now that we are taking this step forward without Ayden here.

I am 13 weeks along - so I am entering my 2nd trimester. My due date is August 31. It was no secret that we wanted another baby as soon as God saw fit to bless us. Although it only took us 3 months, it seemed like forever, and we were quickly losing patience. Considering the circumstances, I think that's understandable. On December 21, I decided to take a test....fully anticipating another negative but hopeful that God would bless us with a Christmas miracle in light of our first Christmas without Ayden. To my surprise, I saw two little pink lines. I couldn't believe it. It is definitely a Christmas we will never forget....for several reasons. We decided to keep our news to ourselves (and a few select others) until we were sure that the pregnancy was viable and that all was okay. We had some concerns in the beginning, but we trudged through. At 9 weeks we heard the heart beat, and this past Monday we got the above picture of #2. He/she was jumping all over the place....barely staying still long enough for the ultrasound tech. to get a good read on things. (I did the Down's Syndrome screening....I knew it included another ultrasound, so why not?) Everything came back fine, and this little jumping bean continues to thrive.

I had been debating this post....wondering when/if I should make this announcement. However, I knew that eventually, I'd have to. So much of what we deal with day to day has to do with this little peanut who now resides in my belly. This little one is the reason I haven't been able to write much lately. First, because I knew that I would eventually slip up and give it away. Second, it's just hard. The second child is supposed to be such a happy anticipation....one of reminiscing about all the wonderful memories with your first. Well, our situation, obviously, is different. We have wonderful memories of Ayden. Memories we will treasure forever....probably memories that will outlast those of our future children. But we also have very sad memories; memories of pain, anger, brokenness, and fear.

After we lost Ayden, I began to wonder if we were just undeserving of such happiness. We had ultimate joy for 4 months (13 counting the pregnancy....and we certainly do count it!). Four months of absolute bliss.....and then it was gone. And I did secretly wonder if we just didn't deserve it. I know that isn't true, but when it's taken so abruptly, you can't help but wonder such things.

Now, with this one coming, new fears have emerged. It's clear to us that we aren't promised tomorrow. My prayer since finding out about this new little one has been, "Please, let us keep this one." I don't know how many times I've asked that over and over again. Getting to the four month mark will be the first step. The second step will be trust - having enough trust to let this one out of our sight even for a short length of time. I know I won't be able to leave this one for at least the first year. I just won't. And unless you've lost a child, you don't understand my NEED to be with this child 24/7.

It's definitely bittersweet. On one hand, we are thrilled to even have this opportunity to have another child. My heart just aches for couples I've met through blogging who don't have this opportunity. It's so unfair. We are also saddened because we know this child won't be Ayden. We know this child will bring new joy, a new personality, new quirks, and while fully look forward to finding out who this child is......it saddens us because no other child will ever be Ayden. I hope I'm wording that right. We don't resent this child at all.....not in any way are we disappointed. We just wish we could have this one and Ayden, too.

Please pray for us as this is a daily struggle. Our news went out today at church, and I was so nervous about the reactions we would get. We put off telling people for so long for that very reason. We were afraid of the reactions. We didn't want the excitement over this child to overshadow the excitement over Ayden - because for some reason - to us - if people seemed more excited about this one, it would seem as if they had forgotten Ayden. Again, if you've been there....you understand. We also didn't want to people to hear our news and automatically think that this makes everything okay - you know, "Oh, they're fine now - they have another one to look forward to." No.....this doesn't not make it easier. If anything, this makes it harder. We are moving forward without Ayden. From now on, he won't be the baby everyone associates us with. Sure, people who know us will associate him with us, but with time.....I realize that memories of him will fade and people will associate us with the children who will be here. That is a painful thought for us. We will never forget him, and his memory will never fade from our lives. He will always be our first and most precious child.

Please pray that this child continues to thrive and grow healthy. He/she has no idea how much of a blessing he/she is. The day this child is born, he/she will be clueless as to how much joy will be restored in our lives. We look forward to meeting this child and nurturing him/her just as we did his/her big brother. We look forward to showing this child pictures, telling stories, showing videos, and sharing Ayden in every way. Our children will all be little brothers/sisters to a precious big baby brother, and we hope they will grow to realize how special that is.