Forgotten God

Jeremy and I doing a study on Francis Chan's book, Forgotten God, with a small group from church. Our first meeting was last night. Going into it, I wasn't sure if I was ready for an in-depth study at this time. My grief is still very raw. I put on a good front...especially at work...even at home sometimes. But the truth is, I'm not much further than I was 5 months ago. I've progressed, but it's a slow process. I'm dealing with new struggles as well, which I don't want to go into here, but they're struggles I anticipated.

Last night, we discussed the concept of looking "different" and how Christians should be distinguishable among non-believers. Someone should be able to look at me and KNOW that I'm different. My question to myself was, "Should I expect that of myself right now?" On some days, I'm sure I look like a cold, unapproachable, unhappy person because of what I'm dealing wtih. However, I believe that I'm still "me" behind the grief. I'm still the caring, compassionate, giving, kind, patient person I always have been. Recently, that part of me has begun to come back out. Thank God. I know that I am going to deal with grief for a long time, and some days, it's not going to be pretty, and I probably won't appear "different," but I hope that even in my grief, people can see that I'm different. I grieve with hope...if that even makes sense. I suffer and I hurt, but at the same time, I remain hopeful because I have to trust that God is in control. That's not always the easiest thing to say - to just say that God is in control - because at times, that statement actually stirs anger in me because if He is in control and He could have stopped this from happening, why didn't He? Why did He allow our son to be taken when there was nothing wrong....from our perspective it was without reason. But our perspective is not God's, and that's just something I've had to accept. I don't understand it, but I will submissively accept His will as greater than my own (which is pretty big when we're talking about a mother's will here....).

I'm interested to see how this study challenges me as I deal with my grief. It's a study on the Holy Spirit and the role He is meant to play in our lives. I grew up in church, but I can only say that I have a basic understanding of the Holy Spirit's role. I know what the Bible says is the purpose of the Holy Spirit, but I can't say I honestly know HOW He is at work in my life. I have felt the leading of the Holy Spirit in my life, but only on few occasions can I say I have acknowledged that that was what was happening. I want to walk closer with God and feel His spirit in me every day as I interact with people, study His word, and pray. It's awesome that God let's us walk around with His spirit inside us....but often we take it for granted.

So, the next 7 weeks should be very interesting.