Mad

A few months ago, I was visiting with Cliff and Jill and I was telling them about something that had been running through my mind. At that point in my grief, I was very angry.....but I didn't know how to handle the anger. I was angry at God, angry at myself, angry at the circumstances, just angry. A scene from a movie kept popping into my mind - the scene from Steel Magnolias where M'Lynn keeps saying, "I'm so mad I don't know what to do! ; I want to know WHY!!! ; I'm so mad! I want to hit something...I want to hit it hard!" I could feel the rage from that moment, and I was living those words. I realize it's just a movie, but that movie is such an honest portrayal of reality. As I shared all of this with Cliff and Jill, Cliff suggested that I share it on my blog....as a way of recording that stage of my grief. I wasn't sure I was ready to get that personal, yet.

For the longest time, I wanted to watch Steel Magnolias, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get through it, and I didn't want it to push me into a self-inflicted meltdown. So, today I found the scene on You Tube. I watched it....and cried....and then laughed. Each time I imagined this scene, I felt her anger....but then I felt the laughter from the second half of the scene. It was uplifting to feel such grief and rage but then to know that laughter and hope still remain. As I watched the clip, I could so relate. As her friends walk up, they comment on how beautiful the service and the flowers were and how she should feel comforted that her daughter is now in Heaven. So many people told us the same things....the things you're supposed to say. My reaction was much like hers - I didn't want to hear those things. I couldn't find comfort in anything except my son....and I had just had to let him go. I had to watch him leave us. How do you find comfort out of that? In that moment - there is none. It only comes with time.

Anyway, I've pasted the clip below. Watch it, appreciate it, cry and laugh. It's real, and so many of us have been there....and continue to feel the blow of grief. And forgive the instance of cursing....if I could cut the clip, I would. Just know I don't condone the profanity....