The only valentines I need....

Happy Valentine's Day to....

...the 2 loves of my life.

While I'm here, I'll go ahead and share a little bit, since I haven't been writing much lately. I've written frequently about my dreams of Ayden. I continue to dream of him often. I waver on whether I should post about them or not, but I know that if I don't, I won't have them in writing anywhere. I guess I could keep a journal, but I have several of those, and this blog is my "Ayden journal" so what better place than here?

About a week ago, I had one of the sweet dreams. Ayden was on his changing pad, and I remember he was only in his diaper. I was kissing him all over and he was just laughing and cooing at me. I remember how sweet he smelled, and I remember how soft his skin was. It was so precious, and we were so happy. At some point, I picked him up and held him and we were around a lot of people (this usually happens for some reason), and as usual....I would not let go of him. People asked to hold him, and I wouldn't let go. This happens in almost every dream I have of him. Then, I was awake......and had to face reality....again.

Last night was one of the devastating dreams. Today hasn't been a good day as a result of that dream. I can't go into detail because I can't even think about it without breaking down, but this is the other type of dream I have about him. If it isn't a sweet, precious, happy dream....it's this one. In this type of dream, I'm trying desperately to bring him back. He's alive, but barely....and I'm frantic throughout the entire dream.....pleading with anyone who is around to help me save him. It never works....I'm never able to help him, and I'm left devastated because in my dream, he's gone and when I wake up....he's gone.

I sleep with a small teddy bear that came with Ayden's memorial package. When Ayden was with us, every night I would move him from his co-sleeper onto my chest. He slept so soundly when I would hold him...especially like this. And I loved it. It was the absolute highlight of my day/night because it was mommy and Ayden time. I loved to feel him snuggled up to me....knowing that in that place he felt safe and secure and loved. Every night, that teddy bear ends up on my chest just as I held him. I can't sleep without feeling the weight of something in that spot....his spot.

I realized tonight just how much I had wanted to hear him call me Mommy. I just want to hear his little voice....know what it would have sounded like when he called my name. I'm realizing just how much we're going to miss, and that just hurts. We'll have those moments with our future children, yes, but when our next child calls me Mommy, I'm going to smile and ache at the same time because I'll realize I never heard it from him.

Just one of those days.....