August has proven to be the most difficult month in some time.
Obviously, August of 2009 will remain the absolute worst time of our lives (up until now, and I pray we never experience tragedy of that magnitude again....). The months afterward were difficult, confusing, foggy, and a time where we were just picking up the pieces....trying to figure out how life without Ayden was going to work.
Over the past year, we've stumbled through our "new normal" having good days and bad days, and as the months passed, the good days began to come more frequently. I can only speak for myself here, since Jeremy doesn't share every minute of his days with me. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of Ayden or felt sadness over losing him. Not one day. However, the depth of the pain has lessened as time has progressed. There are days when I don't cry. There are days when I can even smile when thinking of Ayden instead of becoming reduced to a puddle on the floor. Most days, I can talk about him and what happened without becoming overly emotional. But, I still have days when it just becomes so overwhelming, and I am crushed beneath the pain. I had one of those moments the night I wrote the blog post previous to this one. I hadn't cried like that in a very long time.....it reminded me of the days following Ayden's passing. The type of moments when you can't even breath because the weight is that heavy. In those moments, I feel so alone. In those moments, I just need to see him, hold him, touch him.....and I can't.....and no one else can make those moments easier. I have to let them come and work through them.
I approached August as just another month. I wasn't going to put a lot of weight on it or even acknowledge what this month marks, and will continue to mark, for our lives and future. But, even with me pushing against it, it seems that August has pushed me back a little bit in the grief process. I have become stand-offish and cautious again. I am much more emotional (yes, I realize pregnancy hormones may have something to do with this, too). I am also very quick to share my honest, blunt feelings on some things....especially when it comes to Collen and his arrival....and how I need things to go concerning his birth and bringing him home. I retreat within myself when anyone mentions Ayden, and when I see his pictures, I hold back the tears. I don't want to talk about any of it, so I just keep it in and let it out in my own time. My guard is back up, and I guess it makes complete sense that it would be. This is the month we lost our first child, and it is the month our second is expected to be born. A lot of fear and emotions surround the coming weeks, and I'm facing them one day at a time.
I remember when we found out we were pregnant again....back in December. We desperately wanted another child as quickly as possible, but I remember telling God that if it didn't happen in December, I wouldn't be too disappointed because I knew the due date would be towards the end of August. I knew that a baby being due in August would mean a whirlwind of emotions.....unexpected, unpredictable emotions....so not adding to that was going to be fine with me. Well, God had different plans, and as soon as I saw that 2nd line appear on the test, I said, "God, what are you doing?" I just couldn't, and still don't, understand His timing, but I know that His timing and will are perfect and good. So, whatever He meant for us to get out of all of this, I know He designed it for our good...no matter what the outcome. Collen has brought joy back into our lives. The joy Ayden brought will remain separate....as will the joy of future children to come. They will all have their own, individual places in our hearts and lives. So, Collen won't in any way replace or fix any of the pain we feel as we go through life missing Ayden, but he will bring so much joy and replenishment into our souls and our hearts.
I was thinking tonight about how our lives will never feel complete again. Without Ayden, we will always feel his absence. At first, that thought was pretty depressing, but then I realized that in this world....none of our lives are complete....because this is not our home. None of us will feel complete until we're with Christ. Some may have the happiest, most blessed, seemingly "whole and complete" lives imaginable, but until we're with Him, living apart from this world and the darkness it holds, none of us is living a "complete", "whole" life. I'm thankful that this world isn't all we have to look forward to. Otherwise, our story would be drastically different.