Traces of Ayden

I'm borrowing this from my friend Lori. You can read about her sweet Matthew, his story, and Matthew's soon-to-be-born brother, Luke, over at her blog: Lori Does Maryland.


It Wasn’t You…

It wasn’t you who finally made it come true
—My motherhood.

It wasn’t you who gave me the first taste of kicks
and wiggles and squirms; bulging belly and backaches
and entrance into the coveted Mommy Club.

It wasn’t you I spent hours and hours
researching every little thing for…
deciding on each item bought
so specifically and purposefully.

I didn’t read all of those books for you.

I didn’t see you in that crib…
on that changing pad…
in that chair…
in that room.

It wasn’t you I spent years and years dreaming for.

It won’t be you who enjoys me
as a “New Mommy” because I am not.

I am seasoned in a way that many others can’t imagine.

I was your brother’s mother first,
and though he is not on this earth,

I still parent him.
I love him.
I dream of him.
I miss him.
I grieve him.

So your mommy will not be the same
as I would for him.

Because it wasn’t you.

But make no mistake: It IS you.

It is you who gives me hope.
It is you who makes me smile again.
It is you who I now include in my dreams
and cherish the thought of every one.

It is you who holds a place in my heart
that no other ever will.

It is you I’d again give my life for
and it is you who will know me in a way
that no other would.

You will know the mommy I’ve become.

The mommy who is so honored
to have two sons
and so humbled by their presence in my life,
no matter how brief it was,
has been or will be.

It is you who will know the mommy
capable of the deepest sorrows
and the greatest joys existing within,
and it is you who will grow knowing that in all things,
there is a season.

It is you who epitomizes the power
of God’s restoration and healing,
and it is you that reminds me again and again
that He was and is and always will be faithful.

It wasn’t you who first showed me that,
but it is you who perpetually maintains the concept.

You will never be him
and he will never be you
and I am blessed, for I have known
and loved you both.

No, it wasn’t you
…but it never had to be.

You are both cherished.

My sons.