I wasn't able to put a post together yesterday because it was just a crazy day. I didn't really get a chance to reflect on the day long enough to let it soak it, but it had moments....and I let those moments come and go. Although the day was not focused on the events of last year, the were close in my mind, and I thought of Ayden all day long. I would look at the clock and remember what was happening at that time a year ago. Each time I would look at Collen, I would see Ayden (they really do look that similar - I'm working on pictures for you guys to compare...). I don't think the lump left my throat all day long.
Yesterday certainly didn't go as I had hoped it would. We had to take Collen to the doctor for a weight check and, what we thought, was going to be a quick check of his biliruben levels. His levels have been going up, and he has been a nice shade of yellow/orange since the hospital. I don't have to tell you how worried I have been over it all. Anyway, we had to get the levels checked at the hospital. Do you know how tiring it is, 4 days after delivering a baby, to trek 45 minutes to Greenville for a weight check...biliruben check...hour wait for the results...and then what turned out to be a 3 hour wait for bili blanket? I was exhausted....and feeling incredibly weak...and not really understanding why none of this was caught before now. So, we found out his levels had increased since leaving the hospital (I wish they had just put him on the blanket there....), so we had to wait for someone to bring us a bili blanket to use. We got to Greenville yesterday at 1:45 for the weight check and didn't get home until after 9pm. My 4 day old was put through all of this, and I couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone thought this was okay. I get that his levels needed to be checked...believe me, I understand how important it is. I just wished the whole process was a little more accomodating to the fact that this child is only days old, his mother is still healing, she is an emotional wreck, and sending all of us in circles isn't helping.
Today, Collen's coloring does seem better. He's a trooper, and he is such a sweet baby. I can't stop looking at him, and I could hold him all day long. I can't even begin to express how big of a blessing he has been...especially over the past few days. He kept me occupied and helped me keep my mind positive. Although, looking at him did bring sad moments because as I held him, I longed to be holding Ayden again as well.
The rest of this week will be a process. I'm taking it one moment at the time and trying not to become too overwhelmed....if that's possible. Once things slow down, I'll write more about everything, but I just wanted to put up a quick update and let everyone know what's been going on. Thank you all for your sweet comments, messages, texts, etc. yesterday. Knowing that so many people were thinking of us, and of AYDEN, meant so much and made the day a bit more bearable. Thank you for specifically telling me that Ayden is not, and will not be, forgotten. He lives in our hearts forever, and the day of our reunion can't come soon enough for me.
Please pray that Collen's levels improve and that things progress well from here. I need one less thing to worry about....