As I was trying to fall asleep last night (sleep is an accomplishment these days...), I was thinking about why, all of a sudden, the grief has started to weigh so heavily again. It finally clicked. Up until this month, we've had happy "A year ago today" memories.
April a year ago - Ayden was born
May a year ago - First Mother's day, first visit to church, the beginning of our summer together
June a year ago - First Father's day. various milestones, watching him grow, seeing his personality shine through
July a year ago - Family vacations, more milestones, even more personality, laughing, smiling
The beginning of August still holds happy "a year ago today" memories, but with each day that passes....the 24th gets closer. And the 24th marks our last "a year ago today" full day memory of Ayden. The morning of the 25th....our last happy memory with Ayden.
Past the 25th, the "a year ago today" memories shift to memories of despair, pain, brokeness, heartache, loss, and just plain hard days.
When I thought about it all that way, the return of the grief made a lot more sense.
It's going to be an interesting month. I know a lot of people have already thought about that, and I so appreciate the kind gestures and sincere thoughts people have shared with us. It means a lot to know that you remember that this month will be difficult and that you're keeping us close in thought and prayer. Please continue to do so. There's no solution or answer...nothing can fix the feelings and emotions that are sure to come. Jeremy and I have grown so much closer throughout this process, and we know that the only way to get through it all is to face it together.