Don't get used to this.... I'm not sure how I found the time to update twice in one day. These days, I don't even know what day it is most of the time; it all runs together. I feel like all I do is feed Collen, find time to get dressed, maybe eat something, possibly check a few text messages, and continue feeding Collen. Whew. It's exhausting. I'm happy to do it...really, I am. I love every second I have with him. But, I'm human....so it is going to wear on me as it would anyone else. I'm still sticking with nursing for now. But I'm not going to lie, it's hard....really hard...and I'm trying to stay motivated. I know that if I decide to switch, no one will be more disappointed in me than myself. I'll be the one beating myself up. I know that if I decide to go to formula, he will get what he needs. Granted, I still believe breast milk is best, eventhough I know that formula won't hurt him at all. I think the tough part is that formula is what's familiar. I chose to do formula with Ayden because I was going back to work, and knowing myself....I knew I'd get stressed out, and it wouldn't be good for any of us. Formula worked well for us with Ayden. I knew how much he was getting; he was a good eater and was always satisfied; he slept well; it allowed us more freedom since Jeremy could feed him as well. And while I'm being completely honest and transparent, I am a borderline prude....and I battled my modesty in making the decision not to nurse Ayden.

With Collen, I decided I wanted to at least try it. I'm glad I have. I do enjoy the bonding it brings to our relationship. Selfishly, (again, I'm human here...) I do get tired of not feeling like I ever have a moment to myself. But that feeling is fleeting....I'm happy to do it for him. So, as I said, I'm still giving it time. We'll see how it continues to go. Again, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to it all, but I know there is no shame at all in deciding that it isn't working out. And if you don't agree with me...please don't share your opinion. I'm putting all of this out there because this is my space to share my thoughts and my life....not to receive unsolicited advice. Believe me, I've probably thought exactly what you would tell me anyway....

Other than that dilemma, all is going well. We go back to the Dr. tomorrow to have Collen's bilirubin levels checked and to, hopefully, find out that they're down and he's looking good. To us, his color is looking much, much better. He still has traces of yellow in the whites of his eyes and in his gums, but other than that, he's looking good. He has a much darker complexion than Ayden, which has been something to get used to, especially with the jaundice issue. It was hard to tell, at first, when it started fading, whether his color was just darker because of the jaundice or just his skin tone. He seems to have Jeremy's complexion....which means he and his dad are going to put me to shame when summer comes.

We'll also get a weight check tomorrow. I can't wait to see how much he weighs. I can tell that he has gotten bigger (the straps in his carseat are telling on him!). I'm going to guess that he's up to 9 pounds. We shall see....

Collen isn't wearing his cloth diapers yet. Since we're still at my parents' house, I didn't want to start those while in transition. Once we get settled, we'll get the cloth diapers going. I'm excited to see how they work out! He's had some yucky diaper rash, so I'm looking forward to seeing how the cloth diapers improve on that.

Now, to the cuteness of Collen....

I'm not sure how I'm going to tame that hair. It just does whatever it wants to do. He has some spikes in the back that just stick up everywhere. It's super cute!

Collen meeting Kristina....my all time best friend. She is due in November to have a little girl. We can't wait for Natalie and Collen to meet :)

Dustin and Lexie came to visit!

Somehow, Dad manages to get naps. Mom doesn't seem to be able to get that luxury often....

Collen's first bath! Look at that tummy!

He didn't cry at all. He seemed to like it!

All clean, dry, and in his pajamas.

In a daze after his bath.



  1. All you ever hear is how great breastfeeding is, and how awesome the bonding experience was. Well, I have three young sons, and having nursed them all (for about 3 months each) I can honestly say it was my LEAST favorite thing about having a baby. Worse than pregnancy, sleep loss, nausea, you name it. If I were to have anymore, that is the only thing I would dread (we aren't btw, three is enough for us) Funny how no one is ever real enough to admit that breastfeeding isn't always unicorns and butterflies, but once you do admit it, other women start coming forward in droves. Yes, breastmilk is best, but at the expense of a mother's sanity? I'm not so sure. You do you, period. And don't beat yourself up about it because that is just pointless (easier said than done, I know). Also, my third son was so much more tan than my first two, it seemed odd to me, too. Congratulations! Praying for you all!

  2. Just wanted to say you are not along in the nursing battle. I nursed my 3 yr old for 8 weeks and it was extremely difficult, just constantly a struggle, for all of the reasons you listed. Looking back, I wish I could have done it longer and hope to nurse longer for our next child, but I remember CLEARLY being deep in the trenches of post-partum sleep deprivation and praying for help. The morning I quit, I woke up with such a sense of freedom and renewed sense of reality. It can really take ahold of you, so just don't feel alone in that. No matter how long I nursed, I'm sure I'd still beat myself up and if I nursed for longer, I'd probably wonder why I hadn't placed more importance on my mental health and quit earlier. Good luck--either way, he'll get what he needs b/c you will provide, one way or the other!

  3. Lindsay,
    You are doing a wonderful job breastfeeding, I'm sure. I know how it can be to be your own worst critic in that arena...I did that to myself the entire time I nursed, and I regret it so much! So I just wanted to give you some encouragement and let you know that, YES, you're right. It can be hard. But whatever you decide to do, in the end, will be best for you and Collen! I know that next time around I won't be so strict on myself and literally beat myself up over my own perceived failure as a breastfeeding mom! It all boils down to the fact that you love Collen and he will have what he needs. Period. You don't have to live up to anyone else's "standards" when it comes to his care...YOU are his mom; God chose YOU...and you will do the best you possibly can!

    I hope this helps...from one struggling breastfeeder to another.


  4. Have you tried Triple Paste for the rash? Bobby broke out really badly, and the Triple Paste saved us. We also use Nature Babycare diapers, which were recommended because of the organic (and biodegradable) materials, and they work great! Our ped didnt want us to use cloth diapers because his rash seemed irritated by everything, but the TP and the NB dipes nipped it in the bud in a week and it hasnt returned (and it's been months!)

  5. Congrats on sticking with BF!
    KellyMom.com is a great website!

    Collen is ADORABLE!

    I have been reading your blog for the last year and have been keeping you and your family in my prayers...

    Breastfeeding WILL get easier! I promise :)

  6. I remember those days, bath time, then snuggle time...how I miss that!

    About breast feeding, you are right, formula will be totally fine too. Don't beat yourself up over that. Breast feeding...formula...it doen't matter, he will grow up happy & healthy no matter what. And you are one of the best moms I know!

    He is such a beautiful baby!!!

    Praying for you to get sleep and some mommy time! We all need that, it's important.

    Thinking of y'all, Love, Kelley

  7. Collen is so adorable! It's amazing how much he favors Ayden. Bittersweet I'm sure, but a blessing none the less. One day Collen will be proud to know how much he looks like his big brother.

    As far as the breastfeeding, I think you have the right attitude. It is tough and I don't think that women are ever given enough credit for sticking to it, or even trying it for that matter. I breastfed both of my babies for their first year and it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. With my firstborn, I had a really rough start, but it got easier and he weaned himself naturally. With the second child, it started off easy and then got harder. But I was too stubborn to quit before the first year was up and weaning was very difficult. Really wish I had been more flexible and given myself an out. So again I applaud your attitude, you've got to do what's best for baby and MOM :)

  8. You are doing great Lindsay. Collen is such a cutie pie. Keep up the good work and post those feelings as they come.

  9. Love the tummy/bath photo! Absolutely precious.

  10. I have been reading your blog since last year but may not have previously commented. I think Ayden is just the most beautiful little thing - and his brother looks so much like him! Their eyes and eyebrows are particularly sweet and so similar! We were at the ECU game Sunday and I thought of your family while we were in Greenville and hoped that you all were doing well and it sounds like you are! One thing I learned about breastfeeding (I have a 19 month old) is that it was so very challenging for about the first four weeks, and then became the easiest thing in the world because of no need to anticipate how many bottles you might need for an outing, prep them, keep them cool, tote them around, etc. So if you do continue with nursing, you might be pleasantly surprised to discover (as I was) that it becomes easier and easier as time passes and so very convenient. Congratulations on the new arrival!

  11. He is so beautiful Lindsay... and your 'brothers' post was about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! As for the breast feeding, you're doing great! Remember that the first 6 weeks or so are exhausting no matter what! Once you get over that hump and you can get into a routine of expressing as well as direct feeding, you'll love it. And then of course once he's eating some solid foods, it gets even easier. I breast fed until almost a year and I felt such a void when I was done. And since I haven't left a comment in a while, I owe you a giant congratulations! Ayden has done well in helping to pick his little brother and your new, beautiful second son.

  12. He is so beautiful, Lindsay! Don't worry about the nursing, I promise it will get better and it is time consuming. If you go to formula, DON'T feel guilty at all! He got the "liquid gold"(colostrum)before your milk came in! :) I also supplemented a formula bottle a day so Mike could feed the babies or if we went out. You have to do what's right for you! I am so happy for ya'll! He is precious!

  13. Since you don't want advice, I won't give it, but I will share my own breastfeeding story.

    I decided to breastfeed our son because of the many health benefits, including a decrease in the incidence of SIDS, which I read about before he was born and I will admit at the age of 2 years, am still somewhat afraid of (I still keep the monitor on loud enough to hear his breathing and wake up in the night to listen).

    I hated breastfeeding. I hated that I was the only one that could feed him. I hated that I had to feed him ALL THE TIME. Sometimes just 45 minutes after I finished feeding him he would be crying again and my husband would gently suggest that maybe he was hungry. My post partum self told him that was just a "cop out" because he didn't want to try to soothe the baby and he couldn't be hungry since he just ate a little bit ago and he was "off the hook" because I was the only one who could feed him. But, low and behold, when I finally offered him the breast he would immediately calm down and eat hungrily. I am ashamed at this now, but am admitting to my bad thoughts as I adjusted to being soley responsible for the nourishment of that little soul.

    I wanted to quit so badly because it would be easier to feed him when we were out and about by bottle, my husband could feed him, and I could get out from under the weight of responsibility for everything. But I told myself that I would nurse for 2 months because those were the most crucial to the baby's incomplete immune system. Because I had an end in sight I was able to keep going. When I got to 2 months, I told myself that I would nurse to 4 months, which is the end of the worst risk of SIDS. Before I got to 4 months, I LOVED nursing my son. It was awful at the beginning, but once I adjusted (about the 2.5 to 3 month mark) I came to really love nursing our son and ended up nursing him until he was 16 months old. It was so convenient because we always had food that was the right temp without having the worry about spoiling it or getting it heated. There weren't any bottles to wash. When we were out and about (I never felt comfortable nursing around anyone other than my husband) I just went to the car to nurse the baby. We just hung out nursing. By the time he was 2.5 to 3 months old he was talking to me and making eye contact and cooing at me as I fed him. Sometimes I would have to admonish him to finish eating because he would stop so often to play with me during our alone time. We both really came to enjoy our nursing time together.

    Now I am expecting our second child and nursing is the thing I am looking most forward to. It means I get to sit on the couch all the time and relax and nurse the baby. We will get to bond and I won't be responsible for much else around the house because I will be the lucky one who is 100% responsible for the nourishment of our child. FYI--this extreme investment of time is just the beginning phases of nursing. After 2.5 to 3 months, the baby will be an efficient nurser, be on a pretty predictable schedule or pattern and you will get some free time again. You can also get a pump so that your husband and grandparents can give bottles here and there to let you get a nap or get out for a date with your husband.

    You need to do what is right for you, Collen, and your family. I am not trying to convince you to continue nursing if you really think it would be best to stop. I just thought it might be encouraging to know that there are others out there who hated it at the beginning, but stuck it out and really came to enjoy it.

    Here's my advice: set a goal for yourself for a time frame for sticking it out and see if that makes it easier for you emotionally to continue nursing. Then see how you feel when you reach that goal. Your guy looks amazing. He has a little belly and chin so I think you obviously have a good supply and are doing well nursing so far. Good luck!

  14. Breastfeeding is very hard and extremely exhausting, I completely agree! I've breastfed both my boys, and with the first I ended up going to formula around 3 months (the second time has been much easier and I've stuck with it). I'm glad you are trying it and whatever decision you make in the end that is best for all of you - just go with it and don't beat yourself up if you decide to switch!

    Collen is so adorable! I see Ayden in him for sure, but he definitely has his own looks too... so cute!

  15. My goodness he is a pretty baby!!!

    As foar as the nursing goes...give it 6 weeks. I know that seems like so long but I promise you, it DOES get better. Yes there will be a growth spurt here and there where he will want to nurse more often but even bottle fed babies go through that. If you can make it through 6wks it really does get much easier.

  16. best of luck with the nursing thing. I did it with both of my boys, for about 1 year each. Exhausting...YES! Glad to hear things are going well.

  17. People can be so opinionated about nursing, can't they? I never understood why we can't just agree that there is more than one acceptable way to feed a baby. It's the same with the natural child-birth debate. I did a lot of reading about those subjects when I was pregnant with Nate, and finally just got turned off to it all because I couldn't find anything moderate and reasonable- it was all one extreme or the other.

    I finally just plugged my ears, went "LALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!", and did what worked for us. :) Which happened to be totally different for each child.

    I love all the pictures, but I have to say that the bath picture of Collen and his little belly is one of my faves. Love that face! He sure is precious.

  18. We have already shared a little about the breastfeeding thing, but I want to say it again: Nothing is more important than your sanity so that you can be the best mommy/wife that you need to be! Reading these comments made me smile inside, because every woman who has attempted breastfeeding goes through the same thoughts, regardless of how crazy, and it just confirms that you are human!
    I remember feeling like a human cow, like that was "all I was good for". I would resent when I was the only one that could feed him, but once we got past that 4-6 weeks mark, it was predictable. I was able to go to Target (Hallelujah!!!) with a bottle that I had from earlier and just pumped when I got home...the funniest thing happened at a football game last year. Jonah was 2 weeks old, and crazy me went to a game. I brought a bottle with thawed out breastmilk, but the darn thing almost froze out there because it was cold! I ended up going to the car to nurse, with Patrick's mom. Bless her heart she didn't want me to miss the game so she pulled me around to almost the end zone while I nursed! Needless to say, I could have used one of those cute cover-ups then!
    You are an awesome mom, Lindsay! Ayden and Collen love having you as a mommy, and that won't change. Love you!

  19. He is SO adorable!!! Love the pic of him and Jeremy taking a nap...so sweet!! Congrats! Hang in there with breastfeeding...it will get easier. You are an amazing mama!!

  20. I found your blog about 1 year ago and read and cried as I held my 1 month old little boy at the time. Then, somehow,(postpartum brain) I lost your blog address literally until the day that Collen was born-then I cried some more!!! :) (happy tears) I am soooo excited for you and your family! He is such a gorgeous boy-and looks so much like Ayden. I have been and will continue to pray for you all-God Bless!!