Still dreaming...

One of my big concerns after having Collen was that I would no longer dream of Ayden. If you've kept up with my blog, then you know that I frequently dream of Ayden, and it's something I'm so thankful for. In speaking with several families who have lost children, many of them have told me that they wished they could dream of their child. Ayden enters my dreams so easily, and I know that someday I may not dream of him anymore, so I hold on to the dreams I do have of him.

Last night was the first night I have dreamt of Ayden in awhile. I was preparing for Collen's doctor's appointment, and both of them were there. They were both in infant carseats, and I kept wondering to myself, "How am I going to explain that I have a 4 month old and 1 month old." (Ayden has only ever been older than 4 months in 1 of my dreams) Almost every dream is the same. Ayden is 4 months old, and I am completely aware of the fact that he should not be there or that he isn't going to be with me for very long. In last night's dream, I kept telling Jeremy, "we need to watch him. He isn't going to stay with us. You know what's going to happen." In a lot of the dreams, we desperately try to keep him with us. Last night wasn't out of the norm. In the beginning of the dream, we were playing with both of our boys. It felt so real that it seemed strange to me because I knew that Collen and Ayden could never be with us at the same time. But they were, and we just held them and played with them until we couldn't anymore. I kept saying, "I don't know how I'm going to get both of them into the doctor's office with me. How am I going to carry two infant carriers?" Towards the end of the dream, he was leaving us, and Jeremy was trying desperately to keep him with us....he was trying CPR...anything he could think of, but it wouldn't work. (This happens in a lot of my dreams, and it's always the hardest part. We are either trying CPR or we're trying to find a place to hide him...a place only we know about so we can keep him with us.) It always ends the same....he's gone. And that's heartbreaking to say the least.

I woke up still wondering how I would explain a 4 month old and a 1 month old today at the doctor's office. Then, the sleepiness faded, and I remembered....

....and it's the remembering that tears my heart out all over again.


  1. Oh, Lindsay. I've only had one dream like that about Kristen. I found her in a basket on a step. She seemed to be gone, but then stirred. All I could think about in the dream was that it had been 4 days since I had fed her. The dream ended, and I woke worried about how hungry she must be.

    I have longed to see her in my dreams, but that one, like yours, is heartbreaking. It seems like you have exactly what you ache for (your precious baby back), yet at the same time, you know it's not real.

    Praying for restful sleep for you tonight, my friend.

  2. awwww, how bittersweet. Thankful that you still dream of him, but then remembering how it all ended. I'm sorry.

  3. Oh, my heart hurts for you. I am so blessed that I was not there when Tripp died... I have never dreamt of him, but I so wish I could. I hope your dreams of him bring you happiness and not pain. Praying for you always.

  4. You know...I have NEVER had a dream about Matthew. I was reading someone else's blog the other night about her dreaming of her baby girl...and in responding to her, I guess I sort of felt jilted out of any dreams but thankful for no more sorrow because I know (like you) how real life ends and the dream wouldn't make it any better. The two I've had were two in which there were babies, and I either misplaced one or lost one (or they came after me--all boys) but they were never Matthew.

    So, after reading the other blog, that night, I prayed for a dream...just something of my Matthew.

    And I dreamt of Luke. It was definitely Luke. I KNEW it was Luke. I knew he was special because he was living and that there was still such a hole in my heart. He was wearing hand-me-down clothes, that were new.

    I knew, in that dream, Matthew was gone and would never exist on the same earth with Luke. And while it was sweet to hold and be held by Luke, it still made my heart hurt...

    So even when I don't dream of Matthew, it hurts. It's so hard...

    Reading about your dreams just makes my heart hurt because I know that even if I was to dream about Matthew, it would be conjecture and imagination...I don't have anything but a too-short touch of his shoulder and cheek. Your dreams have to be so much more tangible with 4 precious months of memories....always keeping you in our prayers and each Sunday at church, when we say "Maranatha," thinking of the day we will have our boys it should be.


  5. I am passing along the Lovely Blog Award to you. Yours was one of the first blogs I found after Laynee died