One of my big concerns after having Collen was that I would no longer dream of Ayden. If you've kept up with my blog, then you know that I frequently dream of Ayden, and it's something I'm so thankful for. In speaking with several families who have lost children, many of them have told me that they wished they could dream of their child. Ayden enters my dreams so easily, and I know that someday I may not dream of him anymore, so I hold on to the dreams I do have of him.
Last night was the first night I have dreamt of Ayden in awhile. I was preparing for Collen's doctor's appointment, and both of them were there. They were both in infant carseats, and I kept wondering to myself, "How am I going to explain that I have a 4 month old and 1 month old." (Ayden has only ever been older than 4 months in 1 of my dreams) Almost every dream is the same. Ayden is 4 months old, and I am completely aware of the fact that he should not be there or that he isn't going to be with me for very long. In last night's dream, I kept telling Jeremy, "we need to watch him. He isn't going to stay with us. You know what's going to happen." In a lot of the dreams, we desperately try to keep him with us. Last night wasn't out of the norm. In the beginning of the dream, we were playing with both of our boys. It felt so real...so real that it seemed strange to me because I knew that Collen and Ayden could never be with us at the same time. But they were, and we just held them and played with them until we couldn't anymore. I kept saying, "I don't know how I'm going to get both of them into the doctor's office with me. How am I going to carry two infant carriers?" Towards the end of the dream, he was leaving us, and Jeremy was trying desperately to keep him with us....he was trying CPR...anything he could think of, but it wouldn't work. (This happens in a lot of my dreams, and it's always the hardest part. We are either trying CPR or we're trying to find a place to hide him...a place only we know about so we can keep him with us.) It always ends the same....he's gone. And that's heartbreaking to say the least.
I woke up still wondering how I would explain a 4 month old and a 1 month old today at the doctor's office. Then, the sleepiness faded, and I remembered....
....and it's the remembering that tears my heart out all over again.