He's smiling

I don't have a picture, yet, but Collen is starting to smile.

I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart melts when he looks at me and smiles. I don't think he has a clue what he's doing, but it sure does make his mommy smile.

Whenever I see him smile...

...I see Ayden.

If you have followed my blog for the past year, you know undoubtedly what my favorite trait of Ayden's is - that beautiful smile.

Collen shares his brother's smile.

I was watching Collen "play" (wriggle around and practice kicking) on the play mat this morning, and he looked up at me and let out the biggest grin. In that moment, I was taken back to Ayden playing on that same play mat, looking up at me and smiling so sweetly.

It's all so surreal. I was looking at Collen and remembering Ayden, yet the time I remember with Ayden seems so distant....almost unreal...like a dream. I know I lived it. I know I held him. I know I kissed him. I know he was/always will be the center of my life. But it feels as if I lived it in another life...in another time. Sometimes it feels so much longer than a little over a year ago that I last held him.

I'm not sure if that makes much sense....

I love that Collen is smiling. I love that he shares his brother's smile. I love my two boys more than I could ever, ever imagine loving anyone. I just wish I had them both here to enjoy. I wouldn't take Ayden from the majesty he is witnessing and living now, but some days....I just want him here. I need him....I need to see that face, those beautiful blue eyes, and yes...that gorgeous smile. Soon enough, though, I will. And I live in full anticipation of that wonderful day.

Until then, I have another little boy to nurture, care for, and raise according to faith and the promise of eternity with our Lord. A little boy who will never know his brother here, as we have known him. But our hope is that he will be reunited with his brother as we hope to as well. It's a daunting task, but I will do my best to be sure our family is together, always.



  1. although Collen will not "know" Ayden in this life as in he won't physically meet him, i KNOW that Collen will still be able to know his big brother in the sense that you will teach him. you'll tell him all about Ayden, there will be pictures of Ayden in the home Collen grows up in, Ayden will be part of stories he hears growing up, and when Collen is curious about the brother he knows he has but can't see, it will be an opportunity for him to come to you & your husband with his questions, which will give you the chance to share Ayden with him in a way that the rest of us will never know him.

    rather than Ayden's being at Home pulling your family apart by having a gaping hole that only Ayden can fill, maybe his being with Jesus can pull your family together. you will share the bond of missing & loving that little boy the rest of your lives, and that's something you can share together. i'm praying that in his absence, Ayden's short life will pull you together for the rest of yours, and in that, he will continue to live.

    - michelle

  2. It makes perfect sense, Lindsay. What a beautiful post.

    Love and prayers,

  3. It makes TOTAL sense!! Thank you for posting this, it's like you are reading my mind....