...not to worry.
...not to be afraid.
...not to live in anticipation of the worst.
...to soak up every moment and smile instead of wondering if this is the "last moment."
...to be positive.
...to be strong.
Today, it's not working too well. I've had this overwhelming sense of fear over me today. Every time I would look at Collen today, I felt it. I kept wondering if this would be my last day with him and wondering "how much longer do I get with him?"
A lifetime with Collen just isn't real to me right now. I would love for it to be. I would love for my mindset to be one of such forward thinking - looking 20, 30, 40 years down the road with him. But I can't. I can't think past today. The farthest I can think ahead is 4 months. My mind won't let me go farther. "Just make it to 4 months." goes through my mind countless times.
I wish I didn't think this way. I wish this wasn't my reality. I wish fear wasn't a part of my life. I wish I didn't have the experience of the loss of a child looming over me as I look at his brother causing me to wonder if the worst is bound to happen again.
I haven't held back. I love Collen just as I love Ayden, and it terrifies me. I know parents who haven't lost a child feel that same fear. I know it's normal to let your mind "go there." Every parent at least considers the possibility. But when you've lived it; when that possibility becomes your reality; then what? Normal fear is no longer part of your emotions. It becomes an irrational fear....and overwhelming fear...a fear that takes over you at times almost convincing you to brace yourself for something to happen.
I'm trying and taking really deap breaths.