I'm trying...

I'm trying...

...not to worry.

...not to be afraid.

...not to live in anticipation of the worst.

...to relax.

...to soak up every moment and smile instead of wondering if this is the "last moment."

...to be positive.

...to be strong.

Today, it's not working too well. I've had this overwhelming sense of fear over me today. Every time I would look at Collen today, I felt it. I kept wondering if this would be my last day with him and wondering "how much longer do I get with him?"

A lifetime with Collen just isn't real to me right now. I would love for it to be. I would love for my mindset to be one of such forward thinking - looking 20, 30, 40 years down the road with him. But I can't. I can't think past today. The farthest I can think ahead is 4 months. My mind won't let me go farther. "Just make it to 4 months." goes through my mind countless times.

I wish I didn't think this way. I wish this wasn't my reality. I wish fear wasn't a part of my life. I wish I didn't have the experience of the loss of a child looming over me as I look at his brother causing me to wonder if the worst is bound to happen again.

I haven't held back. I love Collen just as I love Ayden, and it terrifies me. I know parents who haven't lost a child feel that same fear. I know it's normal to let your mind "go there." Every parent at least considers the possibility. But when you've lived it; when that possibility becomes your reality; then what? Normal fear is no longer part of your emotions. It becomes an irrational fear....and overwhelming fear...a fear that takes over you at times almost convincing you to brace yourself for something to happen.

I'm trying and taking really deap breaths.



  1. i'm so sorry :( i will keep you in my prayers b/c i know how awful, horrible fear can be, how debilitating. you will make it through today, onto the next thousands of wonderful days w/collen.

  2. Praying for you, Lindsey. I know it must be so hard to not question so much. Try and take it a day at a time and not think about 4 months. I know it is so easier said than done, but before long, those 4 months will be past and Collen will be fine. Praying for you!

  3. For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind. II Timothy 1:7.

    I too struggle against fear but try to remember that fear is rooted in the adversary.

    Praying for you right now

  4. I wish this wasn't a normal feeling for you...fear. It shouldn't be that way...but it is. I believe that good things are meant to come your way...and that includes Collen. Ayden is watching his little brother from Heaven urging him to grow and be there for his parents. Hang in there and know that people are here listening to your story...

  5. I'm Praying for You & the Peace & Comfort that Only God can give you :)

  6. Oh Lindsay I am so sorry. I can only imagine where your mind goes.
    My children are 31 & 29 and my mind always goes there!!! Every parent has that fear but when you have already lived it like you have it must be very intense. I will pray for your comfort and pray that you will find peace within your heart in the near future. ((HUGS))

  7. I'm so sorry you're scared, I know what you're talking about. I wish there was something I could say, but I think it's just part of the whole thing we've been through. When I had more babies, I too "waited" on something to happen. I still treat my kids like glass...it's something I'm working on.

    I'm praying for you! Kelley

  8. I read your blog often, but I rarely comment. I just wanted to tell you tonight to keep pushing through...I understand your fear - it isn't irrational when you've lived through it before, is it? You do have to take each day at a time, and you have to live your life in the now. Try not to let the fear overwhelm you, or have it change how you parent and love - easier said than done, right? I think you are right - get through the first 4 months, and then take each day as a blessing. At some point, you may just be able to look forward and believe. But for now...live in the now. It really is all you can do, and you are doing an amazing job of putting one foot in front of the other and continuing. - Tkeys

  9. This is such a glimpse of the future for me if I have any more children. You neve know what to expect and some days are harder than others. I saw a baby last night that was the same age my son should be and I couldn't stop staring at him. Please continue to tell us how you are feeling, I know it helps to talk about it. But I also know what you write expresses 1/10 of the pain you feel.