The other day, I was changing Collen's diaper. Nothing out of the ordinary...just your everyday diaper change. But, every diaper change brings a sense of deja vu with it.
"I've done this before....in another life....at another time." - This is the feeling I get.
Ayden.
And this is where it gets weird.
Some days, I feel like my time with Ayden was a dream. A beautiful dream. A life I had a long, long time ago. A separate life. In the life I'm living now, I feel like a different person. I feel like I'm living another life.
The two lives don't feel connected, and I'm left feeling like I'm in a time warp. Memories of life with my first born...floating around in my head...the feeling of complete, wreckless happiness swirling around in my mind and swelling in my heart. Then my mind says, "That was me? That was my life? My life wasn't always this?"
I feel like I've been living without Ayden for years. I feel like it was so much longer than a year ago.....but it still hurts the same. I feel like my heart has been broken forever, and I wonder if I'll ever be the "old me" again.
I don't think it's possible.
I would love to be the "old me" again, but that "me" can never be without Ayden here, alive. I lost so much of myself when we lost him. I lost "the picture perfect life." I lost innocence. I lost the ability to be carefree. I lost the ability to think rationally (because now...I consider every possible bad thing that could happen at any given time).
I'm still me, but I feel like there are two of me, and they're so disjointed; they'll never be the same person again.
And all of this happened over a diaper change.
You make perfect sense. I'm continuing to pray for you :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is a double life, this is life as a young mother whose infant child died.
ReplyDeleteHave you tried journaling these deja vu experiences? Journaling might help "organize" these experiences.
I continue to pray for your broken heart.
I think you articulated your feelings very well considering the complexity. I understood exactly what you meant. Personally I think you are coping admirably with your devastating grief. You are a shining example of a mother's love for her children. It is remarkable to me that such a young woman is able to live with such maturity and insight. Thinking of you often xx
ReplyDeleteIt does make sense Lindsey. We will never been the same. Through God's grace we will be BETTER. We choose to use our son's short lives in a positive way. It it a consious effort every day.
ReplyDeleteI too, feel like Tripp was just a dream. I will be praying for you, as I do myself for peace that passes all understanding.
understandable.
ReplyDeleteIsaiah 26:3... look it up, it is a great one.
a phone date? of course.
Any evening after 8 works for me... give me a ring!
I so completely grasp what you are saying. In fact I have been struggling with finding words to put into a post on Laynee's blog regarding this same thing. Sometimes I wonder if it really happened, did I really have that beatiful child? Did she really dance around my home?
ReplyDeleteI think that maybe that complete and utter sense of joy can never be again for us. Now we KNOW. We know how fleeting life is and are urgency for heaven is so great that we can never really find that joy here again.
Big hugs, Lindsay.
ReplyDeleteomg, i know what you mean. i often feel as though i had a nightmare, and in that nightmare i went from being pg and having a wonderful baby/life to losing him. and then i woke up. and here i am. not pg. no baby. just pics of a person that used to be. you are right, we can never be our old selves. b/c to be those people means that we would still have our boys, and we don't.
ReplyDeletehey girl, i wanted to tell you that i gave you a blog award. you can check out my last post to see it. pls know that you don't have to play along at all if you don't want. it was just my way of saying how much i appreciate you being with me in this time of sorrow, and being so inspirational to me. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteIt makes complete sense and I totally feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like Adelyn never existed, I was never pregnant, it's just always been the 3 of us. I feel like I also lost innocence and pure joy over babies and pregnancy. I will never be a happy, excited pregnant woman again. I will never feel pure joy like I should when I hear someone else's baby was born healthy. I just can't. There's too much pain.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand you, as I am too a baby loss mom. I was changing Sadie's diaper the other day as I always do countless of times, and I just started bawling my eyes out. Like I greatly missed Naomi. I never did have her at home, but I got to see her for 35 days in the NICU, I changed her diaper there, I kangarooed her, I simplu just miss HER. And of course I look into Sadie's eyes and I know she wouldnt be here if Naomi wasnt gone, but still. I cant help but miss Naomi so greatly still and its been 18 months since shes been gone yet it still feels like yesterday or that I am too living another life. hugs!! I know I will NEVER be the same.
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