I'm going to try to articulate this as easily as possible, but if it comes out making no sense at all....I apologize.
The other day, I was changing Collen's diaper. Nothing out of the ordinary...just your everyday diaper change. But, every diaper change brings a sense of deja vu with it.
"I've done this before....in another life....at another time." - This is the feeling I get.
And this is where it gets weird.
Some days, I feel like my time with Ayden was a dream. A beautiful dream. A life I had a long, long time ago. A separate life. In the life I'm living now, I feel like a different person. I feel like I'm living another life.
The two lives don't feel connected, and I'm left feeling like I'm in a time warp. Memories of life with my first born...floating around in my head...the feeling of complete, wreckless happiness swirling around in my mind and swelling in my heart. Then my mind says, "That was me? That was my life? My life wasn't always this?"
I feel like I've been living without Ayden for years. I feel like it was so much longer than a year ago.....but it still hurts the same. I feel like my heart has been broken forever, and I wonder if I'll ever be the "old me" again.
I don't think it's possible.
I would love to be the "old me" again, but that "me" can never be without Ayden here, alive. I lost so much of myself when we lost him. I lost "the picture perfect life." I lost innocence. I lost the ability to be carefree. I lost the ability to think rationally (because now...I consider every possible bad thing that could happen at any given time).
I'm still me, but I feel like there are two of me, and they're so disjointed; they'll never be the same person again.
And all of this happened over a diaper change.