You would think I might find a little solace in possibly knowing "why."
It did the opposite. It sent my mind into a whirlwind because IF a Serotonin deficiency is what caused Ayden's passing, then that means it could have possibly been prevented. A Serotonin deficiency doesn't mean "it's inevitable"; it just means "there's a chance." We lost our son to chance. The idea of losing him to something that was unpreventable was easier to handle; this took me back into the early stages of grief all over again.
When Jeremy told me goodnight, I think he noticed that I was a little affected by all this. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was, but I should have said, "I will be." I laid there with my heart so heavy, tears in my eyes, missing Ayden and wondering if all of this means that he COULD still be here.
I was left with so many questions:
"If Ayden had a Serotonin deficiency, does that mean one of us passed it to him?"
"What about Collen? Can he be tested?"
"Can we be tested to find out if it's genetic?"
"Would Ayden still be here if had been watched a little more closely? If he had been found a few minutes earlier..." (I'm not implying anything against the daycare provider....I know she was just putting him down for a routine nap. There was no way of knowing...)
"Does this mean it could have been prevented? There was a chance of it not happening to him?"
"Why couldn't they have found out all of this way before now?"
"If this case study is based off of 35 infants, how solid are the findings?"
All of this has me watching Collen even more closely than I already was. I pay attention to his sleep/wake cycles, and I monitor his breathing. I'm scared to death to put him on his stomach (which luckily, he hates anyway) for fear of him learning how to roll over at such a young age (like Ayden did). I know he will be rolling over in the very near future; I know I can't stop him; I don't want to; but if it's a part of development that he doesn't reach early...I won't be upset. He has much less control of his head than Ayden did....so it terrifies me.
This also has be back-tracking, making note of Ayden's behavior and certain characteristics:
-He wasn't a heavy sleeper.
-He was easy to wake up; although, compared to Collen, he was a much heavier sleeper.
-He was ALWAYS content....rarely cried...very complacent. (Could this be a clue??)
And then I'm baffled because
-He had such a strong neck. He could hold his head up while on his stomach. Why did he struggle with that the day we lost him?
-He could roll himself back and forth with no problem. Why couldn't he do it the day we lost him?
-He just doesn't fit the mold of this study....makes it harder for me to accept.
It hurts to think that this could have been caught. This might have been prevented. Ayden could still be here....
I cannot imagine how this affects your world and peace of mind. This hurts my heart for you two.
ReplyDelete((hugs)) hey girl. i actually have not read the link on your last post. for some reason i am scared to click that link and so i haven't. we are a lot alike, and i know the feelings you are having now i would be having as well if i read that article. i just can't even go there right now. :'( i'm so sorry that you are having to relive those early grief feelings though. this process is so cyclical, i see. we will never be done missing and grieving our boys. why did it have to be this way? Julius didn't fit the mold either. he was VERY strong. he was picking up his head hrs after birth. had good control of his head/neck. learned to roll over early on. you know, i just think there are too many questions that can't be answered for us. SIDS is just so unfair and so painful for the parents left behind.
ReplyDeletesending you LOTS of love today..... wishing i had that staples button or a fix it button or anything that would/could change something... holding you close in prayer today.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry this left you thinking even more to your loss. Sometimes when people think they have answers it only adds to more questions.
ReplyDeleteOf course it's natural for you to be scared this will happen to your family again.
ReplyDeleteI don't think a study with only 35 children is enough to say that there is a direct link. It's an interesting road for them to explore and in a way I think it's comforting to know that they are including the public in their early findings. It will be good to know what they finally conclude once they have had a chance to do more research.
If they can ever find a cause to SIDS it would save lots of families and babies around the world.
But please try not to let this make you scared to leave your baby alone while he's sleeping. And I know that's much easier for me to say than for you to do.
I lost my son at 36 weeks pregnant this past August and I am haunted with thoughts of what I could have done differently. In my case, I had no idea he was already an angel and I can't tell you how many times I've gone back over those 2 weeks (between scans) to see if I can figure out when he left me.
Those what-if's can drive you crazy if you let them. If you can figure out a way to make them stop please share it with me.
Hugs!
I think you always wonder what you could've done differently to have prevented it. It can eat at you if you let it. I hope that more studies will be done that may one day prevent this from happening ever again
ReplyDeleteOur days are known and numbered. I wish I could quote the exact verse for you, hopefully somebody can.
ReplyDeleteAn endless cycle of hurt, wishing and questioning "why?" because it is our human way.
It is agonizing when we are chosen to survive the unsurvivable here on earth, but God knows from the very beginning the number of our days and we will struggle to hold to His word, promise and truth.
Nothing will ever solve the emptiness or the wondering until we meet again.
Praying for your spirit to quiet and find comfort in Him.
My understanding of the study is that even though these babies might be able to roll over and/or hold their heads up, their "danger response" doesn't work well enough in deep sleep to alert them to do it. Which kind of makes sense, I guess. But really this study, right or wrong, doesn't bring Aeden back. But I'm so glad that there is constant research going on to try to prevent this horrible thing from happening to other babies.
ReplyDeleteI wish that there was an answer, but, in all honestly, no answer would ever be good enough... I can only imagine the anguish that these questions and studies brings out; I wish there was something... anything... that could change what happened, and that you could have both your boys on earth with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Lindsay! I misspelled sweet Ayden's name in my previous comment.
ReplyDeleteWhen I seen this on the news I was so sure that you would find peace in knowing that you could get Collen checked- and know that you could prevent him from being another case of not knowing. SIDS. I was so happy that they had some kind of a lead on what SIDS was, or what they believed it was. I can't tell you how often I think of you and your family and how I wish I could just go back and make things all better. I hate more than ever that you're not teaching anymore...Even though, I very much so understand why you're not. I think about how different your life would be if Ayden was still with you. How different many peoples lives would be if Ayden was still here. I pray for you and your family multiple times a day, and I don't just say that because I want to comfort you...I really do. Sometimes I feel like I know when you're upset and just wish I could do something to ease your pain. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I do know that you're one amazing person and a wonderful mother. You're so strong and I know deep down in my heart that god has a plan for you. A wonderful plan...Things are never going to be the same without Ayden, I know that. Everyone knows that. But you have so many people who love you. Even people who don't know you. You will always hold a special place in my heart. You're my role model, and some day, I hope to be as stong as you.
ReplyDeleteNothing I can do or say to make you feel better, just know that ya'll are in my thoughts and prayers, and even though I don't want Christmas to be over(my MOST favorite time of the year), I will breathe a sigh of relief when December 23rd arrives, and 12/22 is gone... :)
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