A while back, I wrote about 28 days and how Ayden was 3 months and 28 days old when he passed away. Most parents mark weekly, monthly, yearly milestones. For us, it's a bit different. As I mentioned in that post, Collen is approaching the 3 month 28 day mark. He's 15 days from it to be exact. To say that it has made me apprehensive is an understatement. As of December 21st, we'll be in uncharted territory. All we've ever known is infancy up to 4 months old. And we've also only known the tragic loss of an almost-4-month-old infant.
I knew I would approach this milestone with quite a bit of anxiety, but I didn't realize it would be so intense.
I've awoken from nightmares...checking to make sure Collen is still here, because in my dreams, I'm fighting to save him, but reluctant because I'm so sure he's going to be taken from me anyway. I go through each day wound so tightly with anxiety....just wondering if today is the day he'll leave us.
For the most part, my optimism is able to overrule the anxiety and paranoia, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry myself sick at times.
I hate that my mind works this way now....that my heart anticipates more heartbreak. I lost so much when we lost Ayden...ignorant, blissful innocence being the main thing.
I'm putting every ounce of hope into seeing Collen turn 4 months, 6 months, 12 months, 24 months...18 years...50 years old. I know I'm not promised tomorrow, but I can hope for it....