I didn't know it would be like this...


10 comments
A while back, I wrote about 28 days and how Ayden was 3 months and 28 days old when he passed away. Most parents mark weekly, monthly, yearly milestones. For us, it's a bit different. As I mentioned in that post, Collen is approaching the 3 month 28 day mark. He's 15 days from it to be exact. To say that it has made me apprehensive is an understatement. As of December 21st, we'll be in uncharted territory. All we've ever known is infancy up to 4 months old. And we've also only known the tragic loss of an almost-4-month-old infant.

I knew I would approach this milestone with quite a bit of anxiety, but I didn't realize it would be so intense.

I've awoken from nightmares...checking to make sure Collen is still here, because in my dreams, I'm fighting to save him, but reluctant because I'm so sure he's going to be taken from me anyway. I go through each day wound so tightly with anxiety....just wondering if today is the day he'll leave us.

For the most part, my optimism is able to overrule the anxiety and paranoia, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry myself sick at times.

I hate that my mind works this way now....that my heart anticipates more heartbreak. I lost so much when we lost Ayden...ignorant, blissful innocence being the main thing.

I'm putting every ounce of hope into seeing Collen turn 4 months, 6 months, 12 months, 24 months...18 years...50 years old. I know I'm not promised tomorrow, but I can hope for it....

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10 comments:

  1. Hope is faith in things unseen. Thinking of you in the coming days.

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  2. I am going to say an extra prayer for peace and rest in your hearts. <3

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  3. I wish I could help you. The fears you feel are expected but so unfair. I am so sorry about this.
    I am sure that as each milestone continues to pass your fears will fade. I will certainly pray for your comfort over this. ((HUGS))

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  4. Praying for you and Jeremy. We love you!

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  5. ((hugs)) anxiety is a terrible thing. and anxiety combined with loss of innocence is even worse. i'm so sorry that you are so worried, but it of course is completely understandable. i don't think there's any way around it - at least not for a while. we are going to worry about everything because of the road we are traveling. but pls know that you have tons of people praying and hoping to lift the heavy burden of worry from your shoulders (me included). hoping these next 15 days pass quickly so you can breath a bit.

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  6. I'm praying for you to have strength to get through this.

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  7. Our faith and peace should be in GOD, He'll take care. Just let Him. Sometimes it's difficult I know, but we can trust in Him. We can REST in his promisses. Don't look at your baby and say "we are fine", just pray and say: LORD WE ARE YOURS. He's going to honor your faith. Blessings from Mexico!!!

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  8. Always in my thoughts and prayers! One of my children was an October baby, so I want a picture of Collen in his Christmas pajamas under the Christmas tree on Christmas morning, that will be the best present of all! My pictures came the other day, they are so good! Everyone has called to say how good the Christmas card is! Thanks so much for the info!!! May this be the best Christmas ya'll have EVER had! Peace and Joy to The Joneses!!!

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  9. I'm sure it will be difficult as you pass that point. Prayers for peace!

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  10. I try to tell myself every day that I am thankful for the day and, if this is all I have, I would be grateful, even though it would never be enough. Hopeful that we all have many tomorrows... Hugs...

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