A big step

I have felt your prayers over the last week. Collen is rolling over so well (he did it over and over this afternoon, perfectly!!). He's getting the whole concept down, and he's keeping it to play time right now. When we put him down to sleep, if he's still somewhat awake, he'll roll over but then get very upset because he doesn't want to sleep that way. Eventually, he'll settle down and get himself onto his side and fall asleep that way....then later roll to his back. I'm breathing a little easier these days..... for now.

This weekend, I shared our story at a women's renewal luncheon at Jeremy's parents' church. This was the first time I had shared our story to a group of people. Yes, I know....I've been sharing our story since August 2009 through my blog, but it's one thing to write it down....it's another to actually speak it and face the emotions that are sure to result. And result they did.....I think I cried through the entire thing.

The title of my "talk" was "When His Plan Isn't Our Own." I discussed how I have always been a planner...having my life laid out from an early age and hitting every mark right as I had planned them. That is, until August 2009. That was when God said, "Lindsay, easy is no longer a part of your vocabulary." His plan came into play, and I was left to take 1 small step forward while taking hundreds of steps back as I faced the grief process. I spoke about my grief and how it was different than the typical "stages" you expect. Anger hit me last, and it took me a long time to let go of my anger towards God. Then I spoke about Ayden's legacy and the lives he has touched and continues to touch....and how this is not MY story, or OUR story, or even Ayden's story. It's God's story....we're just the ones He tells the story through. I encouraged the women to examine their own lives and how their plan and God's plan has seemed to conflict when hard circumstances came into play. And I ended by talking about HOPE because hope is what has pushed us through and will continue to push us through until we're reunited with Ayden again.

My high school English teacher, who also happens to be a phenomenal singer, came and sang a song that she said helped her through some hard times and also made her think of us. She made me cry because this woman who has been my inspiration since I was 13 years old, told me I am an inspiration to her....such humbling words. It meant so much to have her there.

In the end, I was wiped out. I hadn't cried that much in a long time. I had tissue paper bits stuck all over my face from constantly wiping my eyes. And I went to sleep before 10 o'clock that night. Whew....it took a lot out of me. BUT, despite the nerves, the tears, the fear of opening up this raw, blistering wound, I'm glad I did it. Now, I think I'll be more bold about sharing our story and the more I share, the easier it will become. I'll never tell it without tears....but I will tell it with more confidence.

This weekend was also a weekend of celebrating birthdays! My mom's birthday is tomorrow, and Jeremy's sister's birthday was Friday. Collen and I spent the night with my parents Saturday night. It was so, so nice to be "home" with my parents and with Collen. Part of me feels like it's Collen's home since we brought him home from the hospital to my parents' house (we were in the process of buying our current home). We stayed there with them for 3 months, and Collen spent his first 6 weeks there. He always seems to feel at home there. :) I love spending time with my parents and hate to leave (because it always seems to come so soon!). Hopefully, Collen and I will spend some more time at "home" during the summer. Anyway, we all went bowling, out to dinner, and then back to my parents' house for cake and gifts. I made my mom a devil's food cake with homemade buttercream icing. It was a messy cake, but hey...when it comes to cakes...messy = good. And it was just that - GOOD! Then, today, we celebrating Dana's birthday with Jeremy's family. Collen got some cousin time with Wesley, and gave his Aunt Lydia so many smiles (he loves Aunt Lydia!). Then, so soon, our weekend ended and we were on our way back home. We got home, I fed Collen some carrots, I unpacked, we got Collen ready for bed, and he's sleeping soundly in his bed.

I begin training for my new job this week! We'll see how it goes. I hope I can juggle Collen and online teaching at the same time. Pray that this is successful!!!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. The weather is supposed to be lovely here tomorrow. We'll definitely get out for some fresh air!!