Another day further....another day closer

I'm not sure if I used further in the right context there. I know, what kind of English teacher am I? I also don't use lay, lie, and laid in the correct context....always having to look that one up. And apparently, I end my sentences with prepositions....

The other day, we had a scare with Collen. It was nothing....I think, but it terrified me. We were driving home; he was asleep in his carseat; all of a sudden, we heard this gasp and then a loud, scared cry afterwards. Whatever it was, it scared Collen terribly. More than likely, he had a little too much saliva in his mouth (he was sucking on his paci), he swallowed it while breathing....it "went down the wrong way" and it caused him to gasp. But....we don't know for sure. My first thought (fear) was that he had stopped breathing for a moment, realized it, and then gasped for air. Needless to say, I went into silent panic mode. I tried to hide it, but images of Ayden flashed in my mind, and I was re-living August 25th all over again.

Some nights, we don't put Collen's apnea monitor on because he falls asleep before we can get it on him. That night, oh....he wore that monitor, and he's worn it every night ever since. We're slowly phasing the monitor out because he is moving around a lot more in his crib, and I really don't like that cord being in the crib as he's becoming more mobile. Most nights, he stays away from it, but some nights he gets turned completly around to the end of the crib that the cord is on.

Anyway....

I went to bed that night watching him like a hawk....wondering what had happened....was it just
"one of those things" or was it somethiing that I really needed to be concerned about...something we needed to watch? When you've lost a child to something that is such a mystery....there's no such thing as worrying over nothing.

Since then, he has seemed fine. He has slept fine, and he hasn't had any more "episodes."

As I said, that one little moment took me back to Ayden and everything that happened. It seems like so long ago, yet it hasn't even been 2 years. I wish I didn't feel so distanced from it. Sometimes it all seems like a dream....as if I dreamed it all....as we move farther away from it, it becomes less real. And that makes me so sad....so, so sad. It's difficult, at times, for me to see myself as Ayden and Collen's mom. It's almost like it was two different existences.....two different lives. One life was really, really, incredibly happy. The other is still very happy, but not so innocent anymore....bruised and painful amidst the happiness.

It's hard to put all of that into words that really explain what I'm trying to say. Don't misunderstand me....I'm not forgetting anything....and I'm not becoming desensitized. But time keeps moving forward and as much as I don't want to sometimes....we keep moving with it. What happened is now left to memories. Vivid...hard...intense....memories. I don't relive the memories every day as I once did. They flash in when triggered by a comment...a question ("is this your first Mother's Day" being the most recent)....or news of another loss. Joy is back in our lives, so the hurt isn't a constant anymore. Most people would be glad of that, and I am...so happy to have joy back in our lives....but with grief becoming less intense, it feels like I'm letting it all slip away...letting the pain fade. I guess I just have to find the balance. I want to keep some of the pain because it helps me hold on to what we've been through....and it helps me feel connected to Ayden because joy and pain are intertwined with our memories of him.....but I also realize it's okay to let myself feel happiness again....without feeling guilty about it.

We have come a long way in 21 months. We have learned how to keep moving, even when we didn't want to. We have learned how to rely on our faith even when we felt betrayed by God. We have taken a leap of faith in trusting God to bless us with another child....and balancing ourselves between fear and trust as we let God fulfill His purpose with this child as we asked Him to do with Ayden....even though we had no idea His purpose would mean living life without him. I still think of Ayden every day. I still hurt and ache in his absence. I still wish he was here. But I have come into the mindset of hope.....and living with the promise that with each passing day, we're one day further from the hurt and one day closer to Heaven and holding our baby boy again.

I am the proud mother of Ayden Brooks Jones and Collen Brooks Jones. I have two separate memories of motherhood with both of them, but they are forever joined as brothers. My boys have brought me joy beyond belief. Motherhood is a privilege and an honor. It's a hard job, and to have been chosen to take on the task is quite humbling. God entrusted me with the well-being of two beautiful boys (and hopefully one or more children to come), and I will, in turn, do all I can to be a mother who lives her love for the Lord, showing her children what it means to walk in faith.