I had one of those Mom moments today - one of the scary ones. One of the moments that make you feel like the absolute worst mom in the whole world.
Collen takes most of his daytime naps in our bed. And almost every time, I lay down with him. (The perk of being a stay-at-home mom) Today, I had to get a shower because we had plans for the afternoon. Normally, I would have taken my shower earlier in the morning while Collen was playing, but he decided to take an early morning nap, and seeing as I was pretty exhausted, I napped with him. So, as he was napping, I decided to take my shower. I've done this many times....pinned him in with pillows...and he's been fine. I know this is not the smartest of decisions, but up until now, he hasn't been all that mobile. Well...today...he got mobile...and he took a tumble off the bed. :(
I was in the shower and heard this thud, then a sound...that I thought was the dog barking. But my intuition said, I don't think that's Tucker. I rushed out of the shower....to find the bed empty and Collen on the floor crying his little heart out. I was crushed...and just terrified, but somehow, I managed to stay very calm because I knew I needed to calm him down to check him out. I picked him up and sat him on the bed, wiped his tears, and hugged him close to me to make him feel safe. He calmed down, and I looked him over. Nothing broken....nothing hurt, except for a little bruise on his cheek bone. A few minutes later, he was back to his normal self...being silly and sweet. I put a cold cloth on his bruise and proceeded to stare at him for the next hour...haha. Seriously, I just sat and held him or watched him play and just stared at him...waiting for a sign that something was wrong. I called my sister, who is a NICU nurse, and she came over and checked him out.
He seemed fine, but with our history being what it is, "seems fine" wasn't enough for me. So, off to the ER we went (it would happen on a holiday!) to get him checked out just in case. Jeremy met us there, and I imagine that the three of us were experiencing a lot of deja vu we did not want to remember. I had avoided the ER for almost 2 years....because this was where I last held Ayden and had to say goodbye. It was hard to walk through those doors and remember it all....having it all come flashing back. But, I was on a mission....so that helped keep me distracted.
Collen went in to see the triage nurse pretty quickly...they weighed him and checked his vitals. Then we sat down for the loooong wait. We ended up being in the ER for 4 hours total. Collen did fantastic!!! He played, watched people, made loud noises (hehe), drank a bottle, took a nap (at this point, I was pretty sure he was okay...), and woke up and played some more. We went back, and he was checked out by a nurse and 2 doctors, and word spread about the cute little baby in the ER. The doctors checked him out, and reassured us that he was going to be fine. So, I went home feeling a little better.
I feel awful, and I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. But, it's hard after we've experienced....because in my mind, I'm supposed to be overly cautious....I'm supposed to keep him from ALL harm and ALL possible accidents. I know that isn't possible. Believe me....I know it isn't realistic. But, after losing Ayden, I try to keep Collen as safe as I possibly can...even it if seems like I'm being irrational or paranoid. And then, I let him sleep on our bed....unsupervised. ugh....all I've been doing all day is shaking my head and thinking, "How stupid can you be?!" He has napped in our bed like this for months, and the thought has occured to be every time...that he could fall...but he hasn't, so I assumed he'd be okay. So mad at myself right now. And what makes it worse is that I almost put him in his crib. I had my hands out, ready to pick him up and put him in there, but I decided not to since he was already sleeping so well. ugh...
So, lesson learned. If he's going to sleep in our bed, I'd better be laying down with him. If not, he goes in his crib. I know it happens to all of us....but when it really happens...it's so scary.
Since I didn't see it happen, I have a theory. I think he woke up and sat up (he has JUST started doing this...like in the past day or two), and I think he was trying to get the remote on the night stand. Then I think his hand slipped, he hit his little face ( ugh...makes me sick thinking of it), and then fell...but he would have fallen onto a pillow that was on the floor by the bed...and then rolled off the pillow. So, I'm going to go with that scenario and be convinced that he fell on the pillow....because it makes me feel a little better.
Okay....I took a loooong time to tell this story. Needless to say, it has been a long day. I'm so glad he's okay....and as the days go by and I'm assured that he's okay, I'll begin to forgive myself. A big thank you to my sister for dropping everything and coming to check on him and then going with me to the ER. She's so awesome. And thank you Lord that it wasn't worse....