First day {voluntarily} unemployed

My mind has been racing all day.

"Was this really the best decision?"

"Can we really afford for me not to work?"

"What about ___________ (insert bill here)???"

"How are we going to manage it all?"

I took many deep breaths today and just told God, "I know you'll take care of us and help us make the right decisions."

I'm a worrier. I try not to be. But I've been a worrier from day one. My dad used to wake up in the middle of the night with me because I would lie in bed crying. He would ask me what was wrong or what I was upset about. I couldn't tell him. All I knew was my mind was racing about the next day's events....and I was worried. I would worry over the littlest of things. Now that I'm older, the little things aren't what worry me anymore of course....the big, grown up things are what worry me. I don't do well when I'm out of control of a situation or when I can't anticipate the outcome, and our current situation is one where I'm unable to anticipate the outcome.

Right now, we are trying to do everything we possibly can to cut back. Cutting off the phone, satellite, internet....moving over to basic cable and internet.....eating at home MUCH, MUCH more....less driving (me not working will cut back on some $ there).....the choice to nurse and cloth diaper instead of formula and buying diapers.....etc.

Today, I had to look into insurance for myself. uuggh....all I see is the dollar signs multiplying and our funds not adding up to cover it all. Hence, the worrying.

When I get like this, I'm difficult to live with. I'm trying to be very patient, but I want all of this stuff taken care of NOW. Anything we can do to begin saving money now NEEDS to be done as soon as possible in order for my stress levels to go down. Unfortunately, the timing never seems to go my way.

I can't look into insurance for myself until August, when my current insurance runs out. We can't look into insurance for Collen until August when Jeremy starts back to work. We can't get the phone turned off until our new/upgraded alarm system is installed (I WILL NOT go a day without our alarm system.....no, no, no, not after being broken into once already). So, that means satellite and internet won't be switched over to cable until after the alarm system is installed. (Alarm system = extra cost....uuugghhh) Our cell phone bill just annoys me and I feel stuck in it since they are going to be our only mode of communication. And we don't even have cell phones with all the bells and whistles....just a basic plan with minutes and texting...and it's still outrageous to me. Car payment....another uugghh.....and now we're wondering if we should refinance (but anytime I think of refinancing a car, I hear Clark Howard in my head saying, "No, no, no.....not smart at all." But, then reason steps in and says, "If you need to save money, do you have a choice?") Add all of that to the fact that we are trying to sell our house, and selling your house means looking into another one....which leads to closing costs and other costs.......

See why my head is spinning???


It'll all work out. I know it will. Worrying won't fix anything or get anything in motion. We just have to make sacrifices and trust that we are doing what is best for us and Collen.

Speaking of Collen, when this kid is active, he is a mover! I've been lying here for about 2 hours now, and he hasn't stopped moving. I keep watching my belly shift from side to side. So cool to see! I think I was seeing his legs moving around. I'm assuming he's head down at the moment; I checked his heartbeat earlier and it was in my lower belly, and common sense tells me that means his upper half is in the head down position. I love that he is such an active baby. He definitely has a routine, and it is somewhat different than Ayden's routine.

Like Ayden, Collen is super active in the morning. I love that. I loved mornings with Ayden. It was when he was most alert and so, so happy. We shared some sweet moments in the mornings because that was Mommy and Ayden time. I'm typically not an early riser, but since Ayden, I love being up in the mornings. I'm so looking forward to that again.

UNLIKE Ayden, Collen remains active morning through afternoon. Ayden always needed a nap shortly after lunch time. Collen doesn't seem to nap much during the day. His "nap" time is after dinner. Usually from about 4:30 - 7:30, he slows down and rests a lot. I'll only feel little nudges around this time - no big kicks.

At around 8:00, Ayden would wind down for bed time. We always had to rush to get his bath and bottle in in time before he became pretty grumpy. He, like me, liked a routine and needed it to be consistent. Otherwise, like me, everyone around him was going to know that his routine had been changed! I think some people, mainly our family, thought I was being the typical new mother with him and his routine, but really, it was because he functioned so well with his routine, and when Ayden and Mommy were happy, everyone was happy!

8pm is, typically, when Collen seems to get his 2nd wind. He'll be pretty active from 8-9:30ish, rest for a while, and then at 11:30, AWAKE and MOVING! He's an interesting little guy. I'm learning so much about him, especially now that I'm able to feel him move so well and actually SEE those movements. This is my absolute favorite part of pregnancy. I love all of it....even the swollen ankles and stretching ligaments....but this part, beats it all because it's something only I can share with him. Jeremy loves to watch him move, and he enjoys poking around to get him to move. I so love sharing this with him. He has commented before that he wished he could be pregnant, just for a day, so he could feel everything I was feeling. God does some amazing work.....

About 9 - 10 weeks to go (I'm hopeful for a 38 week delivery....and I probably just jinxed it)



My goal for now: stop worrying about the things I can't control and trust God to help us making smart decisions about the things we can control.