First day {voluntarily} unemployed

My mind has been racing all day.

"Was this really the best decision?"

"Can we really afford for me not to work?"

"What about ___________ (insert bill here)???"

"How are we going to manage it all?"

I took many deep breaths today and just told God, "I know you'll take care of us and help us make the right decisions."

I'm a worrier. I try not to be. But I've been a worrier from day one. My dad used to wake up in the middle of the night with me because I would lie in bed crying. He would ask me what was wrong or what I was upset about. I couldn't tell him. All I knew was my mind was racing about the next day's events....and I was worried. I would worry over the littlest of things. Now that I'm older, the little things aren't what worry me anymore of course....the big, grown up things are what worry me. I don't do well when I'm out of control of a situation or when I can't anticipate the outcome, and our current situation is one where I'm unable to anticipate the outcome.

Right now, we are trying to do everything we possibly can to cut back. Cutting off the phone, satellite, internet....moving over to basic cable and internet.....eating at home MUCH, MUCH more....less driving (me not working will cut back on some $ there).....the choice to nurse and cloth diaper instead of formula and buying diapers.....etc.

Today, I had to look into insurance for myself. uuggh....all I see is the dollar signs multiplying and our funds not adding up to cover it all. Hence, the worrying.

When I get like this, I'm difficult to live with. I'm trying to be very patient, but I want all of this stuff taken care of NOW. Anything we can do to begin saving money now NEEDS to be done as soon as possible in order for my stress levels to go down. Unfortunately, the timing never seems to go my way.

I can't look into insurance for myself until August, when my current insurance runs out. We can't look into insurance for Collen until August when Jeremy starts back to work. We can't get the phone turned off until our new/upgraded alarm system is installed (I WILL NOT go a day without our alarm, no, no, not after being broken into once already). So, that means satellite and internet won't be switched over to cable until after the alarm system is installed. (Alarm system = extra cost....uuugghhh) Our cell phone bill just annoys me and I feel stuck in it since they are going to be our only mode of communication. And we don't even have cell phones with all the bells and whistles....just a basic plan with minutes and texting...and it's still outrageous to me. Car payment....another uugghh.....and now we're wondering if we should refinance (but anytime I think of refinancing a car, I hear Clark Howard in my head saying, "No, no, no.....not smart at all." But, then reason steps in and says, "If you need to save money, do you have a choice?") Add all of that to the fact that we are trying to sell our house, and selling your house means looking into another one....which leads to closing costs and other costs.......

See why my head is spinning???

It'll all work out. I know it will. Worrying won't fix anything or get anything in motion. We just have to make sacrifices and trust that we are doing what is best for us and Collen.

Speaking of Collen, when this kid is active, he is a mover! I've been lying here for about 2 hours now, and he hasn't stopped moving. I keep watching my belly shift from side to side. So cool to see! I think I was seeing his legs moving around. I'm assuming he's head down at the moment; I checked his heartbeat earlier and it was in my lower belly, and common sense tells me that means his upper half is in the head down position. I love that he is such an active baby. He definitely has a routine, and it is somewhat different than Ayden's routine.

Like Ayden, Collen is super active in the morning. I love that. I loved mornings with Ayden. It was when he was most alert and so, so happy. We shared some sweet moments in the mornings because that was Mommy and Ayden time. I'm typically not an early riser, but since Ayden, I love being up in the mornings. I'm so looking forward to that again.

UNLIKE Ayden, Collen remains active morning through afternoon. Ayden always needed a nap shortly after lunch time. Collen doesn't seem to nap much during the day. His "nap" time is after dinner. Usually from about 4:30 - 7:30, he slows down and rests a lot. I'll only feel little nudges around this time - no big kicks.

At around 8:00, Ayden would wind down for bed time. We always had to rush to get his bath and bottle in in time before he became pretty grumpy. He, like me, liked a routine and needed it to be consistent. Otherwise, like me, everyone around him was going to know that his routine had been changed! I think some people, mainly our family, thought I was being the typical new mother with him and his routine, but really, it was because he functioned so well with his routine, and when Ayden and Mommy were happy, everyone was happy!

8pm is, typically, when Collen seems to get his 2nd wind. He'll be pretty active from 8-9:30ish, rest for a while, and then at 11:30, AWAKE and MOVING! He's an interesting little guy. I'm learning so much about him, especially now that I'm able to feel him move so well and actually SEE those movements. This is my absolute favorite part of pregnancy. I love all of it....even the swollen ankles and stretching ligaments....but this part, beats it all because it's something only I can share with him. Jeremy loves to watch him move, and he enjoys poking around to get him to move. I so love sharing this with him. He has commented before that he wished he could be pregnant, just for a day, so he could feel everything I was feeling. God does some amazing work.....

About 9 - 10 weeks to go (I'm hopeful for a 38 week delivery....and I probably just jinxed it)

My goal for now: stop worrying about the things I can't control and trust God to help us making smart decisions about the things we can control.



  1. Just want you to know that I understand your worry! I am JUST like you, a worry wort and I too, am very difficult to live with when I get like that. I still have days like that. It will work out and just know that you are making the right decision for you and Collen. It will take some getting used to now with you being home. You'll have more time to yourself to worry even more-but try not to let it get to you. You, Jeremy and God are all in this together and He will provide. Love you!

  2. I remember making my move last year to a different job (not quite unemployed but as close as I could get) and I would wake up in the middle of the night FREAKING OUT that I had made the wrong decision. I woke up Chris, too. :)

    I pray that you get the peace you need about this situation.

  3. look into medical assistance. You can prob get it in your state for free or low premium bc you are pregnant. then collin can be covered when he is born. It is worth a try. good luck. I have the same worries as I am quitting my job for my second baby and scared out of my mind!!!!

  4. try medical assistance. you would probably qualify in your state for either the free program or the low premium bc you are pregnant. then collin can get on when he is born and it can save you LOTS of money.
    worth looking into. good luck.

  5. So many of the same concerns!! I just got my COBRA insurance info and it was $658 a MONTH for ME alone!!! What in the world??? How are people who are not working anymore supposed to be able to afford that???

    Can you get on with Jeremy's (because I imagine your COBRA will be high also) insurance? I also suggest looking into the state stuff too--I had a good friend who had to take a LOA and did that with her son--she said it was actually a good thing in NC? Not sure, but will pray about it all for you!!

  6. If you need anything, I'm here. I love you all very much. You, Jeremy and Collen are always in my prayers. Love, Aunt Juwan

  7. Lindsay, just wanted to let you know yes it will work out!! I too worry a lot so I know how you feel. I know there are a lot of great programs you can apply for. Also, have you given any thought to tutoring somewhere like Sylvan or a part-time job somewhere like Gymboree? You get great discounts if you work there on kids clothing. You even talked about the library maybe you could find something there. I am talking maybe 10-12 hours a week or so nothing major, it would be something you could do when Jeremy is home in the afternoons or weekends with Collen, so you would never have to leave Collen with a sitter. Just a few hours a week so you can get out of the house and it would give you a little extra cushion money. Try not to worry, I will be praying for you to have peace and for it to work itself out.