Just random thoughts....

18 I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it.19 I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway.

22 I truly delight in God’s commands,23 but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

Romans 7:18-19, 22-23


I read this portion of scripture the other day after reading another friend's blog. Someone had posted a comment that contained this scripture. Since then, it has been running through my mind. Obviously, I relate a lot of scripture to our current situation. I've found it difficult to read my Bible lately because I just don't know where to look for what I need. What do I need? No idea....so I just sit and wait. Not a very proactive approach, huh?

When I read this portion of scripture, though, I immediately thought of some of the things I've been dealing with personally....like my worry, fear, and reaction to others who mean well. I'm human, and it is human to worry, to be afraid, and to become angry as a result of simple questions. I don't claim these actions to be holy or justified, but I write about them because it helps me process it all. I hope you all don't mind my transparency. I'm not perfect, and just because I now have a "story" to share with others, it doesn't mean I'm going to feel like opening that wound at any given moment. So, when I'm faced with questions from strangers and I, inwardly, become frustrated and angry rather than responding positively by jumping at the chance to share our story....it's really just my sense of protecting myself from even more pain. I'm told all the time how "strong" I am. I don't feel that I'm strong at all, and any strength that I seemingly portray certainly doesn't come from me. There are times when I will willingly share Ayden's story and open myself up, but at other times, I just want to be left alone. I would hope that that is understandable.

This is all still very new. We haven't even reached the one year mark, yet. And the anticipation of that, in itself, is daunting. A year without Ayden....it just shouldn't be. So, yes, there are days when my sinful nature comes out and I worry....fear....and become angry that this is my life. As a Christian, I realize I should approach life without worry, without fear, and I should turn this around and see the purpose behind it. Believe me, 75% of the time, I'm able to face all of this with Faith and Hope and I can see that there is a purpose; although I may not KNOW it, I can see it. I find so much comfort in knowing that Ayden is okay. He is safe in the arms of God, and we will be with him again someday, SOON, never to be separated again. What an amazing promise! I'm so thankful that I have that hope to cling to because without it, I can guarantee you I would be an absolute mess.

BUT....while knowing all of this.....I still want Ayden in MY arms. And God is so amazing for dealing with me, and all of us, in our moments like this. When we focus so much on ourselves and our pain, yet we don't take the time to realize that He is there to comfort us and help us attempt to make sense of it all. Even then, when we do acknowledge Him and His plan, we still say, BUT.....

In my attempt to stay in the Word, I started reading 1 Peter the other night. No idea why....I just went there. I don't feel it was a coincidence. Here is a piece of the 1st chapter of 1 Peter:

Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for,4 including a future in heaven—and the future starts now!5 God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole.6 I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime.7 Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.

I read this part over and over and over, and I was just awestruck that God had lead me to that in the exact moment I needed it. I had been waiting around....just expecting Him to shove something in my face. Then, I quickly realized, that's not how it works. I should seek Him, and on a whim, I went to this piece of scripture. Wow....

This is my reality. It's the life God had planned for me before I even existed. I may not like it, but I know that my purpose as a believer is to continue to live in faith, hope, and praise of the God who put this plan in place. Does that mean I'm going to run around telling everyone our story? Probably not. It's not that easy. I still lost my child. I will continue to live with a lot of pain as a result of this loss.....pain that I won't necessarily feel like facing all the time. However, in the times when it appears that the opportunity to share is one that will have an impact, I will share....without worry, fear, or frustration. God has shown us so much through this, and it has truly been humbling to see, or hear about, the lives who have been touched through Ayden's story. Although, at times, I sit back and say, "God, what are you doing?" (I asked Him this so many times after we lost Ayden) I know that in time, He will uncover His purpose. He already has through small moments and chance encounters.....

Hope you don't mind my random ramblings in this post, and I also hope you were able to make a little sense of it. Just some things I needed to transfer from my head to a more permanent place. :)