Terrified of the 2nd lightning strike

You know that old saying, "Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice?"

What if it did?


Lately, I have become petrified with fear. Some nights, I get maybe 4-5 hours of sleep at night. One, because I do have to get up several times since my bladder is a little cramped these days. But, also because when I do get up, I get back in bed and wait for Collen to move. And when he doesn't, I become terrified. I lie there waiting, poking, prodding, and at times....nothing. This then leads to me being on the verge of a panic attack. Normally, I immediately get up again and grab the heart monitor to make sure he's okay. Other times, I fight the urge to check - one reason being: the fear of NOT hearing his heart beating - the 2nd being: I force myself to lie there in prayer, doing my best to let my trust in God win out over the fear. 9 times out of 10....I grab the monitor and pray at the same time.

My innocence is gone, and I realize that this is why I am so afraid.

I have lived "slim to none" and "the chances of that happening are 1 in 2500." I have lived every parents worst fear. I have lived my own, personal, worst fear, which has led to new worst fears that haunt me every day.

When I was pregnant with Ayden, I was blissfully unaware of all the bad that could happen. Sure, I had heard of some of the bad things that could happen, but that wasn't going to happen to me. I was healthy; I didn't smoke; I didn't drink; I took care of myself; I took my vitamins; etc. Nothing bad would happen to me.

When Ayden was born, fear did seep in, but I remained strong. My biggest fear was SIDS, but I reassured myself daily that we just had to make it to 4 months. Once he hit 4 months, the risk was substantially lower. I prayed over him daily, nightly, hourly....knowing that I was not in control and that God could take him at any moment....but secretly, and I guess arrogantly, confident that He wouldn't let that happen to us. I remember August 24th so clearly. It was the day Ayden rolled over for the first time on his own. I was terrified because I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep him from doing this at night while we were sleeping, and that meant that something bad could possibly happen. I also remember the 24th because I thought to myself, "Three more days until he's 4 months old. Three more days, and I can breathe a little easier." Three days later, we were holding a celebration of life and graveside service for our son because of SIDS. That moment of "false hope" continues to feel so cruel to me.

My biggest fear now, among other fears, is an umbilical cord accident. I don't know why. Maybe Satan knows that I fear what I can't control, so he placed this fear in my mind. With Ayden, it was SIDS....and we lost him to SIDS. Therefore, with past experience being what it is, my mind keeps trying to prepare me to possibly lose Collen to a cord accident because that fear has become so prevalent. I know this probably makes no sense to any of you. It doesn't make much sense to me either. But, the fear and anxiety becomes so overwhelming at times that I almost talk myself into believing that something bad is going to happen. Everything has gone so well. The pregnancy has been so uneventful. It has been too easy. Something bad is bound to happen....

I realize that I'm tainted. My view has changed completely. I'm not the person I once was. And I hate that so much. I fight it every single day. I fight this fear and anxiety with constant prayer, seeking God and His guidance, and trying so hard to put every ounce of trust in Him.

But it's hard.

It's hard to do that when every ounce of my trust was in Him 10 months ago, and my baby was taken from me without any explanation at all. I have had a really hard time trusting God 100% again. I'm trying so hard, and there are days when I am at peace and can honestly say that I am accepting of His will....whatever it may be. But then there are days, which are most days, when I am weak and I am terrified to trust again because the last time I told God I completely trusted Him, I had to face the worst possible thing I could ever have imagined.

It's easy for people to say, "Oh, but the chances of that are so slim." -or- "There's nothing you can do about it; it's not in your control." Well, as I said, I've lived "slim chances" and the fact that it isn't in my control is what terrifies me the most. Collen could be here today and gone tomorrow, and I'm left facing the nightmare all over again.

I realize that I could drive myself crazy thinking this way. Believe me, I'm not completely irrational. I'm just trying to balance all of this the best I can. Fear is natural and certainly understandable in this situation. I just want my life as a mom back, and part of me is so afraid that, for some reason, it won't be given back. I'm terrified that my life is going to be a series of the unexplainable...

I know that most of the time I write very hopeful, encouraging things. Please know that most of the time, that is the real me. If I didn't have hope, I'd be locked up in a padded cell somewhere by now. It's the only thing that keeps me going. I read the blogs of so many women who have lost children and gone on to have other children after their loss. They write of their fear as well, but many of them have also reached the point of accepting God's sovereignty, knowing that just because it happened once doesn't mean it won't happen again. I know this is true, but I'm trying to reach the point where I can say that I am 100% okay with it.

I have grown so deeply and completely in love with Collen. I am so grateful to feel this for him. And it's amazing to me that I can feel this love for him, and at the same time, feel my love for Ayden, too. Someone told me once that I would love them both intensely, and I would love them equally, but I would love them differently. That didn't make sense to me then, but I get it now. The love I have for both of them is so overwhelming; it almost takes my breath away, but somehow (I can't begin to explain it) I'm able to distinguish between the two. It's as if I love one with one part of me and one with the other, yet I love both of them as one whole person. That's the best way I can put it into words.

Anyway, I think the reason this fear has seeped in is because of this love that has been established for Collen. I have connected with him; I've seen his face; I'm learning more and more about his little personality every day; the reality of him joining us very soon hits me harder every day; I have let myself make plans for him....and hopes and dreams. What if lightning strikes and all of that is taken away in an instant....again?


All I can say is that I'm trying. Please pray about this with me, if you think about it. I don't want to be crippled by fear for the rest of my life, and I truly believe that I won't be. It's just going to take time. I realize that because of our experience, I will be more aware, more fearful, and more paranoid....what mother isn't all three of those things and many, many more? But, I also want to be able to "let go and let God".....knowing and accepting that I can only do so much, and the rest is up to Him.


Thank you all for continuing to lift us up....think of us....and encourage us. Through you, God provides us with strength in some of our weakest moments.