Yesterday and Today

Yesterday:

So, yesterday I went to Jeremy's softball game. Our church as two teams, and Jeremy and my sister play on the same team. I used to play, but obviously, I wouldn't be of much help these days. But oh, how I miss it!

I showed up to the game to find that my usual sitting spot was taken. A lot of people had come to the game, so I had to find another spot. So, my mom and I set up our seats next to an older lady who was there for the other team. 1st red flag - she's an old lady....I'm obviously pregnant....she's going to ask me questions. So, I geared myself up. In true old lady fashion, before I could even get myself in the seat I hear, "So, when are we having it?" *Deep breath* "I'm due around the end of August." Next comment (which I'm getting tired of hearing because, yes people, it is hot in the summer....I know this...), "Oooohh...and you have to get through July and August." Me: "Yeah, but I don't mind it. I'll take the heat." She lets me sit down for about a minute before she says, "Is this your first?"

***********Okay....let me just address something. Why, WHY, WHY do people ask this question when I am so very obviously not walking around carrying another child or anything other child related? WHY is this on "the list" of questions to ask when the woman is standing there with no other child in sight?!?!?*************************

*Another deep breath* - "No, this is my second."

Her - "Oh, what are you having?"

"A boy."

"What was your first?"

"A boy."

She leaves it at that. I'm left stewing. Why am I so mad? Because this woman, a perfect stranger has put me in an awkward position. She has drudged up emotions in me that I really didn't feel like having at the surface while I'm sitting at a softball game. I was just there...minding my business...and she feels the need to ask questions. I know she had no idea what my situation was. I realize that she had no idea who she was talking to and the pain she had just inflicted with her innocent questions.

Later on, one of the little boys from our church came over to where I was. She asked if he was my son. ugh....my mind was saying, "Lady, seriously, ask me ONE more question and I'm going to smack you." My heart was saying, "She doesn't know, Lindsay....."

At that point, my mind was winning over my heart, and I already had my answer ready for her next question. I was waiting for her to ask me where my son was....which one out of the MANY children running and and playing. I was going to put her in her place by saying, "He's not here. If you want to see my son, go to the memorial park where we laid him to rest (I don't want to name it here). That's the only place I can go to see him."

I was so angry. And I really don't know why, but I was just angry that this is my life. When a stranger wants to ask questions, innocent questions, questions that are perfectly normal to ask a pregnant woman, I can't answer them with simple answers. I will NEVER answer these questions simply. For the rest of my life I will face the pain of Ayden's absence. When teachers ask about Collen's siblings or mistakingly refer to him as our first child, I will have to correct them and tell them about Ayden. When family members blunder and forget to acknowledge Ayden and his place in our lives, I will have to face that pain and either hold my tongue or speak up (which I have had to do already and it was very awkward and hurtful).

I know that none of these people mean to cause harm. They have no way of knowing that what they may say or do could bring me pain. I just wish people wouldn't be so free with their questions. But, no one knows unless it's happened to them how painful these questions can be. Just like friends who have tried and tried for years to have kids with no success and they get the question, "So, when are you guys going to have kids?" Or, the single guy/girl who is waiting for Mr. or Miss Right....holding on to their standards until God places the right person in their lives....."When are you going to get married?"

Moral of the lesson: "Think before you ask." and be ready for an answer you weren't ready for.

******************

Today:

Today was my last day at work. I really don't know how I feel about it. My classroom is packed up. I managed to condense 5 years of teaching down to about 5 boxes. I had to....our house isn't big enough for all that stuff! Even as I was packing, it wasn't real to me that I wouldn't be coming back next year. It still isn't real. It won't be real until August when I'm not going back. Right now, it's summer vacation....and everyone's leaving for the summer....we're all saying our usual goodbyes. Except, I won't be returning and joining in on the new school year festivities.

I think another reason I am so indifferent about it all is because I'm okay with this change. I know what I'm looking forward to. I know that, right now, what is best for me is to be a mom to Collen in the way that I feel is right for our family. Sure, I'm terrified about living on one income. Teacher pay doesn't go a long way, so we are going to have to make some big sacrifices. But, it's completely worth it.

I know that I always have a home at Ayden-Grifton. I love my school and the people I work with. I love the community, and I love my job. I told my sister the other day that I wasn't looking forward to leaving because I'd much rather be working that sitting at home all day (how many times to hear that out of a teacher???). It's more my need to stay busy and not dwell on the fact that Ayden isn't here. Last summer was spent at home with Ayden. Every day was the best day ever. I loved every single second of being his mom. I found my purpose in him, and he made us so, so, so happy. I remember feeling so torn when I went back to work. Being a teacher no longer felt like the most important part of my life - it wasn't my sole purpose anymore. Ayden was my purpose. So, leaving work now isn't as hard because I know that being a mother to my children is what I want more than anything. Yes, I could be a mother and work at the same time, but that isn't for me. And in the end, I have to do what is best for me and what we feel is best for our family.

I plan to return to teaching in the near future - possibly after Collen is a year old. I don't know that I'll go back to the classroom, but that is definitely an option. I love teaching, and I love working with the kids I work with. However, I also have my Masters Degree is Library Science, and I want to use it! I didn't get it just to have it.....I want to work with that degree and grow a library/media center program. That possibility may become available next year, so we'll see. I'm leaving it all up to God and what He leads me to do.

It was tough to say goodbye to everyone today, but not nearly as hard as I imagined it would be. I know I will see them again. I will definitely be back to visit and to help out with school events. These people were there for me through the hardest of times. Their support and compassion was a huge source of comfort and encouragement. I know I can count on them in any situation. We truly are a family and AG, and that's what I love most. You can always go back and visit family....no matter how far the distance.