A year ago, Ayden was here, and we were celebrating his 3-month "birthday."
It was the last "27th" we had with him.
On the next 27th, in August, we were living a completely different life. Jeremy and I were standing in front of a sanctuary full of people, and we were memorializing our son through our tears and the words we were able to muster.
The 27th is always a hard day. The 27th of April - Ayden's birthday, and then the 27th of each month that passes...marks another month older that he should be. And then, August 27th....the day of Ayden's memorial service; the last day I saw his face; the last day I touched him; the last day I kissed him.
The 25th is also a tough day because with every 25th I'm reminded of the day we had to say goodbye. The last day I saw his bright, blue eyes, his smile, heard him coo, fed him, changed him, saw him alive. The 25th isn't as hard until we get to August..... I don't even know what to expect out of that day this year. Some days, I can't believe it has been almost a year. On other days, it feels like longer. With Collen being due right around that time, I have no idea what mindset I will be in, and that frightens me a little. Over the past year, though, I've learned that the anticipation of "the day" (whatever day it may be...holiday, milestone, etc.) is usually worse than the actual day. And in the big picture, I'm always left thinking, "Yeah, "those days" will be hard, but what I may feel on those days doesn't compare to what I felt the day we lost him or the days shortly after." So, of course they aren't going to be as hard as we expect, but they're still hard none-the-less.
My mindset has mostly been not to dwell on "those days" but to celebrate the 3 months and 28 days we had with Ayden. That doesn't fix anything or make any of it easier, but it does provide me with the ability to remain somewhat hopeful, comforted, and a little less depressed when "those days" come around. There's a 25th and 27th to every month, so I have to choose how I live and anticipate those days.
Today hasn't been so bad. Not great, but not so bad either. Grief almost a year later is lighter than it was. It isn't as overwhelming or debilitating, but I can't use the word "easier" either. I don't know that grief is ever easier, but it does evolve. I still cry and become overcome by the loss and the pain. I always will. He's my baby....my first child...the child who made me a mommy for the first time. The one I experienced all the firsts of pregnancy with and the firsts of a newborn and infant during those first critical, trial-by-error, scared-out-of-your-mind-because-you-are-responsible-for-this-little-person months. So much of me will remain connected to Ayden for the rest of my life, and as painful as it is to live my life without him, I'm so very thankful for the time I was given with him and everything I learned as a result. He taught me that being a mom is my ultimate purpose and that the little moments are the ones you should treasure - a sweet little baby sigh, the satisfaction of knowing that he just needed YOU (me) to comfort and sooth him, the love you share with this little person and seeing it reflected in their smile.
It will be strange to me when, God willing, Collen reaches 4 months old....it will be like being a first time mom all over again. From the age of 4 months onward, our "firsts" will lie with Collen. They will be exciting, yet bittersweet, moments, but I look forward to each and every one of them. And if Collen decides to come on the 25th or the 27th....those days will hold an even deeper meaning. But I secretly hope he chooses his own day....specially for him. He deserves that. :)