I finally did it...well, started it....

For months now, I have been planning on getting Ayden's clothes, blankets, towels, etc. together for a quilting project one of my best friends so graciously agreed to take on.

I knew I didn't want to just pack his things away, especially his clothes. All those sweet little outfits....each one holding a precious memory - or several. I couldn't just pack them away, but I couldn't bear to share them either. They're Ayden's clothes; memories of Ayden resonate from the pure recolection of images of elephants, a baby octopus, a mommy and baby dinosaur, a beautiful blue toile print, and a cute little monkey holding a bunch of bananas. There was no way I could put Collen into these clothes. It wouldn't be fair to him or to us because all we would see is Ayden. So, I decided that the best thing to do would be to have a quilt (or a few) made using the clothes and such that hold such precious memories. The next task - who to ask? I didn't know many people who quilted, and I certainly didn't want to hand everything over to a perfect stranger who didn't know us, our son, or the story behind everything. Luckily, a friend of mine....the one who always seems to be there, knowing exactly what I'm thinking before I've even come to a final conclusion.....approached me and told me she had some ideas for Ayden's clothes....for a quilt. Heaven sent....

This friend isn't just any friend. The moment I ran out of school, terror-stricken, not knowing what was waiting for me at the hospital other than the words "your baby" and "unresponsive" stabbing at my heart, she was there. She called as I was being driven to the hospital and asked if I wanted her to come. She couldn't just drop what she was doing....we're teachers, remember....we can't just up and leave. But, she did. On the first day of school no less. And she was there minutes after I got there. She was there when the doctor came in and told me the news no parent should ever receive. She was there to guide me on the decision I didn't want to have to make. I remember looking over at her so helplessly when they asked me if I wanted to be in the room when they stopped everything; I didn't know what to say....I didn't know what to do....I couldn't even breathe, but I looked over at her, and she was nodding her head furiously, through her sobbing, answering my questions for me. Thank God she was there. She continued to stay with me....through arranging the service, making even more difficult decisions, and even cleaning my house and making sure meals were arranged. Blessed doesn't begin to describe how I feel about having her in my life.....and in Ayden's life.

So, needless to say, she is the perfect person to do this/these quilt/quilts because she loves Ayden so very much, and she was there for it all. She was there when he was born, and she was there through our loss. She will without a doubt put the ultimate care and consideration into how to use his clothing, blankets, towels, wash cloths, burp cloths, and even bibs to construct quilts that will hold so many memories for us to share together and with our future children.

Back to where I started.....

I got all of the "quilt" clothes and such together, and I also went through and picked out clothes that I wanted to set aside for his trunk. Many of you offered such wonderful advice on what to do with Ayden's things that we couldn't bring ourselves to use with any of his siblings. Thank you so much! We decided to get a trunk, and in it we will keep clothing, toys, blankets, books, and anything else that holds particular meaning and is too precious to part with. That way, we can go to it whenever we need to, and his things will be right there....instead of being packed away in storage.

I did pick through and find clothing that I thought I could use with Collen. These pieces are either pieces Ayden didn't wear or might have worn but didn't wear often. It was sad to me that I looked through some of the clothing and couldn't recall whether he had worn some of it or not.......I don't like that I'm beginning to become fuzzy on some of my time with Ayden. I know I can't possibly remember every single moment of every single day, but I sure wish I could. I am still able to recall so much, though, and I hope that never changes....

So, Collen has clothing that we are passing down to him, and he will have clothing that was purchased with just him in mind. I'm glad he will have some things that belonged to Ayden and that one day we can show him pictures and say, "That outfit was one that belonged to your brother." I hope he will be proud to know that he got to "share" with his brother....even in Ayden's absence.

It took me a long time to take this step. For weeks now, I've been saying, "Today, I'm going to......" and I would never get around to it. I knew it would be hard, and I was right, but I think it was a little healing at the same time.