It has been quite some time since I've had one of these days....when I'm on the verge of tears all day long....because I'm missing my baby boy....so much.
There doesn't have to be a reason, or a cause, or a memory, or anything anyone says to set it off....it just happens.
Today, I just want Ayden. I want him here, in my arms. I want to see him walking. I want to hear him talking. I want to watch him learn and make mistakes and get up and try again. I want everything I'm missing out on with him.
(This is the part where people who haven't been there say, "Oh, but you'll have that with Collen.")
You're right. I will. BUT, it isn't the same. I will always be missing out on something with Ayden. They are two different children. I am the mother of 2 boys, and one of them will always be missing.
I knew "today" was coming. I just didn't know when. Sunday, our families hosted a baby shower for us. It was beautiful, and everyone was so generous. I enjoyed seeing everyone there....especially the people we don't see so often. It was great to have both sides of our families in the same place, celebrating together. And while it was a happy day, there were moments when I slipped into sadness. With the shower, bringing new baby things into the house, packing, and preparing to move, I could feel "today" coming.......
**********************Opening a gift to find a photo album - the thought of all of Ayden's empty photo albums flashes into my mind. Thoughts of, "We'll never have new pictures of Ayden to put into his photo albums."
Opening gifts with cute elephants decorating the bags and/or gifts inside - memories of Ayden's room and our elephant theme. (If you gave us anything with elephants, please don't think you upset us. We still love them and think they're perfect! Collen will definitely use them, and we'll share our elephant memories of Ayden with Collen as he enjoys them.)
Looking around the room and always thinking, "He should be here."
Going home and washing all of the clothes, blankets, bibs, etc. and thinking, "Has it really been almost a year since I've done this?" And then reminding myself that these things are for another child.....not for Ayden.
Packing Collen's bag for the hospital and feeling so guilty that I can't remember what should go in it. And also feeling guilty because it doesn't hold the same nostalgic feeling as it did the first time. Excitement? Yes! Nostalgia...not quite like it was the first time. I guess that's to be expected after you've done it all once before....
Packing things up in Ayden's room and feeling so conflicted because I don't want to put it in boxes, but I know I have to, but I can't bear to because I know that from now on, most of it will stay in those boxes. And then feeling so protective over those things and having to come to grips with the fact that I won't be able to move those boxes myself. I will have to trust someone else to move his things....to care for them as delicately as I would if I could move them.
Looking around his room wondering, "What do I do with ___________?" (insert various toys, pictures, knick knacks, items holding special meaning specifically towards Ayden.) I know I will use some of it in Collen's room, but how do I decide which ones to use and which ones not to use?
Picking out silk sunflowers at Michael's for my son's marker and thinking, "Is this really my life? Instead of having my child here with me, am I really picking out flowers for his marker? I can't see him, hold him, feed him. The only thing I can do for him is create a pretty floral arrangement?!"
********************Sooner or later, it all comes to a head, and today it has. Today, I just needed to cry. I needed to feel the loss and pain. I needed to let my heart break. Because I just needed a "missing Ayden" day. I know that these days will come for the rest of my life, and I welcome them because as much as they hurt, they at least allow me to feel how deeply I love and miss him.
Please don't take any of what I said the wrong way. Sometimes I feel as if I do a poor job of conveying my relationship with Ayden vs. my relationship with Collen. And sometimes I'm afraid I may come off as putting more weight on Ayden in general and leaving Collen in his brother's shadow. That isn't the case at all. At this point, they are both so different. I am the mother of 2 boys, but I have only "known" one of them. Life with Ayden is what is still familiar to me. My memories of being "mom" lie solely with Ayden right now. So, washing clothes for a baby other than Ayden....or opening gifts for a baby who isn't Ayden....is still kind of surreal. I connect so much more to Ayden right now than I do Collen because Collen and I haven't shared a relationship outside of the womb yet. I can't connect a smell, sound, mannerism, facial feature, or personality with Collen like I can Ayden. So, I guess that's where all the comparisons come in.
What I can tell you about my relationship with Collen, though, is that I am so eagerly anticipating meeting him, knowing him, learning his quirks, and loving him just as deeply and fully as I do his brother. Collen already makes me laugh, and he and I share a bond that no one else can share with him right now. He responds to me, and I respond to him. And my goodness, if this child doesn't grow up to love fudge rounds, I will be shocked because they are all I want right now!
I am looking forward to new memories with Collen and connecting new smells, sounds, mannerisms, facial features, and what I'm sure is going to be quite the personality with Collen. He is loved beyond measure, and I dare anyone to question the bounds of that love. He is a child who is most definitely wanted, who was prayed for and hoped for, who has brought joy back into two lives who thought joy could never be restored. Jeremy and I watch Collen move every night. We talk to him, nudge him, give him little pokes in his little butt, and we smile and laugh out of the pure happiness he has brought to our lives. But, in the midst of that happiness, we are also sad, and we're learning that the two will coexist for the rest of our lives.
If this post was all over the place, I apologize. That's the state of my mind these days. However, I needed to let some of my thoughts out of my head, and they just happened to end up here. Just a random sort of day today....