I know I've written about dreams here before, but it has been some time since I last wrote about them.
As I've said before, I don't put a lot of stock into dreams...especially believing they hold some kind of meaning for my life. I don't look too far into them because that could be a little risky.
Dreaming while pregnant, especially, is not the time to start taking your dreams too seriously! Unless you can find meaning behind me dreaming of being in an abandoned airport where the moving sidewalks all move in reverse....making it a nightmare to try to walk on them....and finding Britney Spears held hostage in a top secret area of the airport....then I'm not so sure I'm ready to start finding the deeper meaning in life in my dreams!
However, there are times when sweet moments make their way into my crazy dreams. It had been a while since I last dreamt of Ayden. When I first noticed that I wasn't dreaming of him as much, I became upset because I didn't want it to mean that I was moving forward without him or that I was "okay." Grief is an interesting thing. It's miserable to be so grief-stricken, but when you experience a few good days, you feel guilty for not being so grief-stricken. You almost welcome the grief because it makes you feel "normal" because after all, when you lose a child, your mind tells you you're supposed to suffer all the time....never to be happy again. I think I've found the happy medium.
Anyway, over the past few weeks, my dreams have been nonstop...full of crazy stuff. I can't even put it all into words because it's continuous and random and has no connection at all. So, it's probably a good thing that I haven't dreamt of Ayden on nights when I have those dreams because it wouldn't make sense and it wouldn't feel authentic.
Last night was one of the calmer nights as my dreams go. I went all night without dreaming, and then....there he was. I was dreaming that I was about to deliver Collen. We were in the waiting room at the hospital, and Ayden was on the floor playing and flipping through a book. He was still 4 months old, but he was sitting up, turning the pages of his book. I've only once dreamed that he was older than 4 months. I remember seeing him smile, hearing him laugh, and I picked him up and just held him, hugged him, and kissed him....and he kissed me back (one of the things I was sad to miss out on with him...). No one else held him; that's usually how it goes. I'm the only one who holds him, and the interaction is only between him and me (it's my dream, so I guess that makes sense). Anyway, as soon as it began, it was over, and he was gone again. But I woke up with that sweet face fresh in my mind. I got up and tried my best to remember every detail. Sometimes I feel like my dreams are all I get. He isn't here anymore. I don't have him to hug and cuddle and kiss, but if I can at least get him in my dreams....just for a little while....I'd rather have that than nothing. But it's still so unfair....because then I have to wake up, and he's gone, and my heart breaks all over again.
I often wonder if I'll miss him this much forever. I WANT to miss him this much forever. The loss is the same no matter how much time goes by, but the depth of the pain does change. It eases over time, but it still hits me so hard....just not as often. I read another blog this morning about a little baby whose parents just celebrated his first birthday in Heaven. They did a balloon release, and it was so beautiful. The mom wrote that although her son passed away, God still created him and gave him a soul, which they are so thankful for because that means they will be with him someday. They are assured that promise and given that hope. I was so thankful to read that because it's so true. Ayden was created, and he was born, and he was given a soul. If he had never existed, we would have missed out on such a sweet, beautiful child. So as hard as it has been to lose him and to live every day without him, AT LEAST we know that because of God's grace and His goodness, Ayden's soul was spared and he is waiting for us to be with him again someday.
After I went back to sleep, the crazy pregnancy dreams kicked back in. I was back in high school....33 weeks pregnant...27 years old....and I was back in high school trying to make everyone believe I was a high school student. NO CLUE where that came from, but I remember walking into my 12th grade English teacher's class, and at the end of class, she was asking me for advice on how she could improve her teaching style. What?!? Anyway, people started to catch on that I really wasn't 17 and that I had already graduated from high school 10 years ago. I woke up before they kicked me out. I'm guessing that dream is stemming from me not going back to work this year. I am going to miss my students so much. Not many people can say they love their job, but I do....did. I love working with students and being a part of their lives. I love feeling validated in my efforts when they come to me and tell me how much they enjoyed my class or when they thank me for all of my help. It doesn't happen often, but when it does....it sure does make it all worth it.
So, although I woke up a little sad this morning, I'm thankful to have had a moment with Ayden....even if it is only in my dreams. Seeing that sweet little face is worth it all.