Ayden's "lellow" balloon & Thanksgiving

From the mouths of babes....

Jeremy's little cousin, Makinzie (3), was with his mom the other day at the grocery store. The lady at the check out gave her a yellow balloon. She tied it to her wrist, but when they were getting in the car, it got away from her and flew up in the air. Makinzie got a little upset, but Jeremy's mom (or as Makinzie calls her, "Aunt Vonne" - her name is Yvonne) explained to her that since it had helium in it, it would fly away if you didn't hold on to it. Makinzie's response,

"That's okay. I will let baby Ayden have my lellow balloon. Do you think Ayden will like my lellow balloon?"

I'm sure Ayden smiled when she said that. He always thought she was funny. I would watch him watch her. I believe he smiled at her a few times. What precious words spoken from a small little girl.
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I was right about Thanksgiving. The anticipation was worse than the actual day. I woke up this morning and immediately thought of Ayden....as I do every morning. However, this morning, I spoke to him. I told him how thankful I am for him. How thankful I am for those 4 short months I had with him as his mom. How thankful I am that I know we will be together again. And how thankful I am that all he will ever know is a perfect world and the purest love. I asked God to please allow him to hear those words and to know just how much we love and treasure him. We already have treasure in Heaven, and neither Jeremy nor myself feel the need to store up anything else in this world.

Anyway, after sharing with Ayden how thankful I am for him, I realized that my spirit felt lighter than it had felt in weeks. For the past week or so, I have woken up feeling so heavy and burderned. Today, I felt peace. I attribute that to the prayers of all of you who continue to read my blog and stick with me through this journey. I received several mesages today, online and on my phone, from people telling me they were praying for us today and thinking of us and of Ayden. Wow....that helped so much.

I'm not saying it was easy. It hurt to drive up to Jeremy's grandmother's house without a diaper bag, without a carseat, without Ayden. It hurt to be able to sit there and only be concerned with myself. I ached to hold him, feed him, realize he was sleepy and needed a nap, to pick him up and make him smile and laugh. It hurt to feel his absence. It hurt to feel so empty. I should he feeling whole and full today. I should be thankful. But it's hard. Jeremy said something the other day that has stuck with me. "There is a difference between thanksgiving and praise." He's right. The two usually get paired together, synonymously. But they are so different. I can be thankful to God for many things, but praising him, especially now, is difficult. I want to credit Him with so much, because He truly deserves it, but out of fear....and probably a little resentment....I find it difficult to praise Him right now. I've shared this with God many times, and I know He understands. I know He will be patient with me.

Today was the first time I have seen my nephew since before we lost Ayden. I thought it would be hard for me to see him because he and Ayden are 7 weeks apart....and although he was younger, Ayden wasn't much smaller than our nephew, so I imagine Ayden being close to his size. It was tough to see what we are missing out on with Ayden. I longed to hold Ayden today and to just see him. I was able to hold our nephew, though. I so enjoyed the time I got to spend with him. I had to walk away at times, but I got through it, which was my goal for today anyway....so I succeeded. It was hard to see everyone carrying on with life as we continue to feel as if time has stopped. But, I realize that that is life and the nature of this circumstance. All in all, it was a good day, and I'm thankful for that.



As we were leaving, today, I found myself humming a tune in my head. I couldn't remember where it came from, and then it hit me. It was a song I had heard numerous time. It was a song from Ayden's play mat....music would play from a smiley face that would light up. It came back to me as if I had just heard it yesterday. It broke my heart. I immediately thought of this video....





(I'm working on the video....blogger is not cooperating right now.....)