In my dreams...

I don't share my dreams often because most of the time I feel like they are random and somewhat meaningless. However, when I dream of Ayden, I seem to find deep meaning. Not alot of the time. Sometimes I dream of him and it is a quick, unsubstantial "plot". Just an image of him or, in the worst dreams, images of him from "that day". Those I choose not to remember. I want to remember this one, though.

In my dream, I was sitting on the ground looking at Ayden. He was about 5 years old, and he had curly red hair and cute freckles. Now, let me interrupt - he does not have red hair, and I highly doubt he would have been a freckle-faced little boy...as cute as they may be. Anyway, I'm looking at him, and he says, "Will you hold me, Mommy?" Of course I say, "Yes, I will sweetheart." Then, I look to my right and see another little boy toddling toward me, and I look at him and say, "Do you want Mommy to hold you too?" In response, he grins at me and reaches out to be held. So, I hold my two little boys. I can't tell you the happiness I felt from this dream. I remember feeling so incredibly full in my heart and in my spirit. I haven't felt that since Ayden was here with us. Next, it switched to just me and Ayden. He looks at me and says, "I want to give you kisses, Mommy!" So, I lie down on the ground and hold him up in the air and move him up and down, and each time I move him down towards my face, he kisses me. I remember us laughing and smiling....and again, that feeling of complete happiness and joy. Then I woke up.

The meaning I took from this dream is that as I hold my future children, I will hold Ayden, too. He will be right next to them. I will hold him in my heart, and I will carry him as I carry them. I will smile at him as I smile at them. And as I kiss their sweet faces, I will kiss him.

Words cannot express the deep desire I have to just be with him. I NEED him. I NEED to be with him, but I can't. That is painful. Gut-wrenching, breath-taking, splintering pain. And I feel it every day.

I love having these dreams because I am able to have "time with Ayden" that I can't get here. BUT....it's awful to wake up and realize that it isn't my reality. Needless to say, today was a hard day after that. We went to Jeremy's parents' house for lunch. It was the first time we had been together there without Ayden. Seeing his pictures up and seeing pictures I hadn't yet seen was tough. But I'm glad the pictures are there. If they weren't, it would be even harder. The reminder of his real, physical existence is tough, but if everyone acted as if he was never here, that would just be cruel. So, seeing those pictures and feeling his absence became overwhelming. I had to remove myself for a few moments to regroup. In those moments, I want to scream, sob, run, explode, disappear. It's overwhelming, and I'm still not sure what helps me at those times. Usually, distracting myself works, but then again, I don't want to be distracted from him. However, grief deserves breaks at times. At times, you just have to remove yourself from it, or it can become depressing and unhealthy. I'm learning that.

With the holidays approaching, I am even more apprehensive of family gatherings. There are some we have already chosen not to attend this year. On others, we are trying to decide. I think the anticipation will be worse than the actual days. We hate not knowing how we will feel at any given time. I can be out somewhere, distracted and focused on something else, and then the next thing I know, I'm choking back tears....running to my car. Hence the anticipation being worse because again, we never know how we will feel at any given moment.

For those of you who have been there -losing your only child....how did you handle holidays?

Thank you for your continued prayers....thoughts....words of comfort. They really help. You may not be able to see the effect, but believe me, they are bringing us peace.