In my dreams...

I don't share my dreams often because most of the time I feel like they are random and somewhat meaningless. However, when I dream of Ayden, I seem to find deep meaning. Not alot of the time. Sometimes I dream of him and it is a quick, unsubstantial "plot". Just an image of him or, in the worst dreams, images of him from "that day". Those I choose not to remember. I want to remember this one, though.

In my dream, I was sitting on the ground looking at Ayden. He was about 5 years old, and he had curly red hair and cute freckles. Now, let me interrupt - he does not have red hair, and I highly doubt he would have been a freckle-faced little cute as they may be. Anyway, I'm looking at him, and he says, "Will you hold me, Mommy?" Of course I say, "Yes, I will sweetheart." Then, I look to my right and see another little boy toddling toward me, and I look at him and say, "Do you want Mommy to hold you too?" In response, he grins at me and reaches out to be held. So, I hold my two little boys. I can't tell you the happiness I felt from this dream. I remember feeling so incredibly full in my heart and in my spirit. I haven't felt that since Ayden was here with us. Next, it switched to just me and Ayden. He looks at me and says, "I want to give you kisses, Mommy!" So, I lie down on the ground and hold him up in the air and move him up and down, and each time I move him down towards my face, he kisses me. I remember us laughing and smiling....and again, that feeling of complete happiness and joy. Then I woke up.

The meaning I took from this dream is that as I hold my future children, I will hold Ayden, too. He will be right next to them. I will hold him in my heart, and I will carry him as I carry them. I will smile at him as I smile at them. And as I kiss their sweet faces, I will kiss him.

Words cannot express the deep desire I have to just be with him. I NEED him. I NEED to be with him, but I can't. That is painful. Gut-wrenching, breath-taking, splintering pain. And I feel it every day.

I love having these dreams because I am able to have "time with Ayden" that I can't get here.'s awful to wake up and realize that it isn't my reality. Needless to say, today was a hard day after that. We went to Jeremy's parents' house for lunch. It was the first time we had been together there without Ayden. Seeing his pictures up and seeing pictures I hadn't yet seen was tough. But I'm glad the pictures are there. If they weren't, it would be even harder. The reminder of his real, physical existence is tough, but if everyone acted as if he was never here, that would just be cruel. So, seeing those pictures and feeling his absence became overwhelming. I had to remove myself for a few moments to regroup. In those moments, I want to scream, sob, run, explode, disappear. It's overwhelming, and I'm still not sure what helps me at those times. Usually, distracting myself works, but then again, I don't want to be distracted from him. However, grief deserves breaks at times. At times, you just have to remove yourself from it, or it can become depressing and unhealthy. I'm learning that.

With the holidays approaching, I am even more apprehensive of family gatherings. There are some we have already chosen not to attend this year. On others, we are trying to decide. I think the anticipation will be worse than the actual days. We hate not knowing how we will feel at any given time. I can be out somewhere, distracted and focused on something else, and then the next thing I know, I'm choking back tears....running to my car. Hence the anticipation being worse because again, we never know how we will feel at any given moment.

For those of you who have been there -losing your only did you handle holidays?

Thank you for your continued prayers....thoughts....words of comfort. They really help. You may not be able to see the effect, but believe me, they are bringing us peace.



  1. The Holidays last year were difficult on my family. I am the kind of person that likes to "begin as I intend to finish" meaning if I want to have family gatherings I will do them evreytime just as I would intend to do. I look forward to all family functions...yes it is a reminder that some of our loved ones are no longer with us, but it is also a great reminder of what we still have, of what God has blessed us with that we should not take for granted. So last year, we got together like normal... we laughed and joked and played games like normal. We ate and prayed and spent time together just as we always had...but we took small segments of time and talked about Caden, how we missed her, what fun she would have been. Then we wiped our eyes, hugged one another, and played more games, laughed again, and just were...together, with family. Looking back, they should be some of my hardest times, those first Hoildays without her...but last year was wonderful. My family loved us, they prayed with and for us, and God comforted us through them. We have found that the days we are anticipating being hard, are always is the days you do not expect to be hard that always sneek up and get you.
    Enjoy your family and friends... they are some of God's gifts to you.

  2. Oh Lindsay, this post has me in tears. I know how you feel and I just wish there was something I could say to you, some magic words...

    Yes, the holidays were rough that first year for us, we avoided them. We went to the beach where we wouldn't be around a lot of the decorations, traditions and kids. We did get each other a few gifts but they were ALL about Grayson (and not wrapped in Christmas paper)- one was a quilt made with his pictures and name on it, another gift was a framed picture of the star we had named after him, a jewelry box with his picture on it, actually made me feel better NOT to see "Christmas stuff", but to do several things that was totally about our little boy. We had NOTHING to do with Christmas - but didn't leave Jesus out of our time, either.

    Thanksgiving we did get together with Clayton's family and I wish we wouldn't have. We saw family that we didn't know very well (distant aunts, uncles, etc..)and they ended up treating us weird and giving us "the look" the whole time. It made it harder.

    I think we did the Thanksgiving get together because we felt like we "had to" to please family, but by Christmas we had realized it was about US and getting through the holidays by doing what WE needed to do. I hope y'all realize it now, it's about your survival, do what y'all need to do.

    I wish I were there to be with you some during the holidays...

    I am thinking of the three of you, and love you - Kelley

  3. The comment from "Andy and Cari" had a great point, if you do get together with family, you are surrounding yourself with people who love you, Jeremy and Ayden. I'm sure they will be willing to do whatever the two of you feel comfortable with because they love you.

    Remember, you do have tons of people who love matter where you are or what you're doing. There are so many people who want to help you through this time.

    I will continue to have you and Jeremy in my prayers through this holiday season, I know this is a hard time.

  4. I have found that first holidays are just as hard as all the holidays I've gone through 21 years later - because I have never stopped wishing my baby girl was with me. Every Christmas makes me think about what she would be doing this year ... on her 1st Christmas ... her 5th Christmas ... her 21st Christmas.

    Rose Kennedy said it best: "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

    After 21 years of not having my baby girl with me, it still sometimes feels like it was just yesterday that I walked out of that hospital to never see her again. And every day I think about her and every day I miss her.

    I will continue to have your family in my prayers.

  5. Lindsay,

    I hope that you don't mind me leaving a comment about the holidays...I did lose my 2 year old son last year, but we have other children. Although I have not been in your situation, I only know what a nightmare this has been for us and that our Mark was absolutely unique and special and our other children don't "fill in" the enormous hole left in our heart.

    Mark died in August and for Thanksgiving, we decided to have the usual family get together for both sides of our family. Our family is so loving and kind, but it was still horrible to be all together without our son. Everyone was sad and it was so difficult to feel thankful at that time. Nobody knew if they should talk about Mark or not...and if they did, I just cried and cried.

    For Christmas, we decided to take a trip to another state, stay in a hotel and avoid the "happiness" of everyone around us. It was the best for us. We were still overwhelmed with sadness and still in shock over Mark's death, but being away from everyone allowed us to be as sorrowful as we needed to be without feeling like we were bringing everyone else down.

    I truly believe that God does give us so many blessings and for those, I am thankful, but after your child dies, the reality is that it is hard to feel thankful and celebrate. You and your husband need to do what feels right to you, regardless of what anyone suggests.

    I read your blog daily...I pray for you and your husband and I have Ayden's sweet "button" on my blog. When I read your posts, I am almost always nodding my head in agreement and knowing just exactly what you are saying. Complete empathy. I still feel it all the same, even after 15 months. The only difference is that I am functioning better than I used to, but not feeling better.

    We just had our fifth child a couple of weeks ago...our fourth daughter. She is wonderful and perfect and she has brought us joy that has been missing for so long, but she is not our Mark. And truly, we were not trying to replace him by having another child. No matter how many children we have, we will forever miss Mark with every fiber of our being. I long to have him with me. I NEED to have him with me, just as you said in your post. I have those same moments that I feel like I will just explode at any there will come a point where my body just can't take any more pain from the heartache and I will just die. I often wish it would happen. Just take me now Lord!

    I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you keep blogging about your grief. Your honesty has helped me and I know that you are helping others who read as well.

    Sorry for such a long comment.

    Take care of yourself,