Shut down....

That's how I've felt lately. I walk around...talk to people...go to lunch...do stuff around the house, but I am completely shut down. Those smiles you get from me...they're fleeting. Those laughs you hear....I don't know who that person is who is laughing at that moment. It's me, but it's not me. And that completely makes no sense whatsoever. I feel like two people....and I don't know who the real Lindsay is anymore. I am Ayden's mother, but I have no child to nurture right now. So, I am able to go out to lunch whenever I want....drop everything and meet my sister out somewhere....but in the back of my mind, I'm not supposed to be able to do any of that. That's the old Lindsay....the old life. Then, I'm faced with my reality and my new normal, and I hate it. It's in that moment that I just shut down.


Today started tough. It was just one of those days. A crying day. A questioning day. An angry day. An "I want to hold him, kiss him, smell him, hear him, touch him, SEE him" day when I get so angry that the only way I can see my baby is in a video of him. So I pop the video in and weep. No mother should EVER have to feel this way.....EVER. It seems so unfair to have wanted my child so badly....to have loved him so completely....and then he was taken without warning...just ripped away, and I'm left here without him. I just want my baby. And I KNOW I will see him again, but when? Tomorrow? The next day? 2 years? 20 years? 2 seconds away from him was too long....and now I'm facing what could be a lifetime??? I plead and pray daily for God to either take me or decide that today is judgement day because I just don't know how much more I can take.


I am a believer. I know God is sovereign. I know I will continue to move forward because I'm strong enough to do so. I KNOW. But it doesn't make it any easier.


Today I just want to hurt. I want to be mad. I want to miss him so badly that I can't breathe. Because sometimes, I just don't know what else to do. Because the one thing I need I can't have.


I realize I'm not the only one hurting like this. I know I'm not the only parent mourning the loss of my child. But it's hard not to feel that way, especially this time of year. Everyone around us is giddy with excitement over the holidays....so happy, big smiles, lots of laughter. Me? I'm biting my lip so I don't burst into tears. I'm walking into each day with dread and sadness. The happiest part of our days is now gone. I'm trying to find happiness....and I'm able to....but not completely. I don't know if I'll ever know true happiness again until I'm reunited with Ayden.



In these moments, I don't need advice....or scripture....just understanding. Unfortunately, that's hard to find. There aren't many people who actually understand this. I'm thankful for the people I'm connected to who do, though. They give me hope.




Since Heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone;
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart



I never knew how much I'd grieve
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take



God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we'll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when He restores this missing piece.



He'll turn to joy my every tear
with thoughts of you I hold so dear,
and they'll become my special way
to treasure our Reunion Day.

I look at him and can't believe I had a part in making someone so beautiful.