Just needing to see his face....

There are moments when I feel okay - almost like I am back to where I was "before". Then, "after" slaps me in the face. The "after" is my reality and my life until I leave this earth. Think about it. If my reality was your reality, you can only imagine how overwhelming it can become. Like I said. On some days, I'm okay. I can go through the day and stay busy enough to get my mind on something else. However, that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of him, seeing his face, remembering something precious about him, or reliving that day. I hate that my reality is also the reality for many other parents out there. Just recently, we have learned of two couples who have lost babies - young babies. One family is a couple our age who lost their 4-day-old son to SIDS. 4 days old. It's not right. Another, a family who had trouble getting pregnant but finally achieved pregnancy and received the gift of twins - a boy and a girl. The little boy had complications and didn't make it. It's just not right.

I knew I was reaching the point of needing to watch videos of Ayden again. I reach this point about every 2 weeks. It isn't pretty. But I need it. I need to dive in and let it sweep over me. I need the release. I hate that my memories of him are restricted to 4 short months. He would have been such a pleasant child. People always commented on how easy going he was. So laid back, so happy, so talkative, so beautiful. Now, people are afraid to talk about him out of fear of upsetting me, and then I get upset because I feel like people want to pretend like he was never here to begin with. He is my pride and joy. Of course I want to talk about him, reminisce about him, show people pictures of him. He is my child, and I love him more and more each day. I may not be able to see him ever day, but I can remember him and speak his name and cherish every memory I do have.

I was going to share a video with you, but for some reason it isn't working. However, it is one of my favorite of him (they're all my favorites...). He is 6 weeks old in the video and he had just started smiling on purpose...especially when he saw either myself or Jeremy. In this one he is sitting in his swing, and I start talking to him, and he just lights up. What I love even more than the adorable smiling is the connection you can see between the two of us. You can see the love in his eyes....the adoration of his mommy. I never knew a child so young could convey such love, but he did. We knew he loved us; you could see it so clearly. I'll try to post it soon....it's definitely worth seeing (of course!).


  1. Oh honey I wish I could just hug you. I hope this weekend brings a few better days. ((hugs))

  2. Can't wait to see it.

    Ayden is the cutest little guy I've ever seen. His smile is just sooo adorable and heart melting. While I'm reading his story -your story- I just don't believe that it's all happened. Praying for you every single day, dear.

    I hope you can attach the video soon:)
    Loves, Esin.

  3. I would love to see the video and get to know his personality a little more. I was going to ask to see more pictures of your little guy when you had time but thought it might be weird from a stranger. Take care, I am praying.

  4. No, it is not right. Praying for you and Jeremy as always.

  5. Please make spare copies of all the videos.... lots of copies!!!!Ayden is a beautiful angel. I have 2 grandsons and I can't even imagine what you go through daily. God bless you.

  6. I was given an old heirloom bracelet that had children's names stamped on it. Stamping those names into metal was the only way in the old, olden days for many folks to have a remembrance of a child who had passed away, other than, perhaps, a tombstone.

    What a blessing today's technology is, that we can see, hear and almost feel the presence of our loved one.

    Although, what does the Bible say? Something about storing our treasures in heaven, where Ayden surely is and so your heart. Yes, the evidence of a precious life stored in today's technology is a godsend, but the real blessing is that we know heaven is the eternal place for our treasures. I know, as earthly beings, it is this moment, only this one, that we can feel and so we ache for our beloved, it is all that our human mind can process, just this moment, but our spirit knows of the bigger promise. You have the gift of God's promise that Ayden is there, safely forever, for you. Ayden, your greatest treasure.

  7. Lindsey, I feel your pain. We lost our little boy at 36 weeks gestation. We have pictures of him...and even though I would like to show them to everyone, I am not able, some people just can't handle it. It's not right that anyone has to go through the pain of losing a child. It's the worst pain I have ever felt. I understand your pain when people try to act as if your child was never born, by not talking about him. Even though I may get upset when you talk about him, I would rather you ask instead of acting like my child was never born. He was real, he was a part of our lives. Just like Ayden was a part of yours. I want you to know that your strength, even when you feel weak, has been such an inspiration to me. Know that I pray for you and Jeremy every day.

    Hope to see the video of Ayden soon.
    In His Love, Kristel

  8. No words to say. I simply hate you have to endure this. Looking forward to you introducing me to sweet Ayden in heaven one day. I keep checking back on your blog .. wanting to be sure you're *okay* and holding on. I keep praying for your family.

  9. I saw the comment you left on my blog and headed over to read your story. I am so, so very sorry to learn of the passing of your sweet Ayden. It is just so unfair. I search and search for answers for these losses. I ask "why" and beg God for answers... but they never come. I too feel the need to see Peyton, but I have such trouble watching her video. Seeing her degenerate through Cancer and chemo, it is just too painful. I wish we had some happy pictures, I wish we had had even one moment of her life not tainted by cancer. I wish I could tell you that you get over this loss, but you never ever will. You just sort of go on. Some advice huh? Go on. I wish I had answers for you. I am so, very sorry.

  10. Today I stumbled across your blog and read a few of your posts, catching up on your story. Two good friends of mine, sisters actually, also lost their young babies for different reasons- and one of the little boys was also named Aidan, who also went to be with Jesus at 4 months. I'm imagining your Ayden, and my friends' Aidan and Sadie all celebrating their joy-filled futures together with Jesus. I'd love to see some of your favorite videos of Ayden.... and want you to know that you, Lindsay and Jeremy, will be in my prayers.

  11. Are you still going to put the video on your blog sometime (when you're ready) I would love to see it...along with a lot of other people ;-)

    Ayden is so lucky to have such wonderful parents who love him so very much, and he does know that.

    My heart goes out to those other families you mentioned. They will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    love you - Kelley, Grayson's mommy ;-)