My Muddled Mind

I haven't been able to write lately. Not that I haven't had the time. I've certainly had the time, but I haven't had the will.

I've whispered a lot of "I wish"es lately.

I wish this wasn't my life.

I wish this hadn't happened.

I wish I had Ayden back.

I wish I never had to know this pain.

I wish God would show me that He hears me.

I wish I didn't have to live another day without Ayden.

I wish I could just go back to when it was all okay and perfect - when life was happy.

I wish I could wake up without being reminded of the fact that my child is gone.

I wish the last three words of my prior wish were not my reality.

I walk around very aimlessly. I think being out of work right now is a contributing factor because I'm not busy with school work. However, I have a feeling that if I was back at work, I'd still walk around with my mind being so clouded. Hence the reason I decided that going back to work was not conducive to my mental state at present. That doesn't mean that when I go back in January I won't have cloudy days or down right ugly days, but I need the time to get my mind somewhat focused again.

Life as I knew it, is over. Life took a sharp right turn for me, and now I feel as if I'm just spinning wheels....getting nowhere. I hate that I'm having to "start over" - learning to live life all over again. My life is supposed to be with Ayden. From the moment he was born, my life shifted, and my role was Mom - to protect and love my child with no inhibitions. And boy did I do that. He is my heart. I couldn't go anywhere without him without aching because it felt as if a piece of me was gone. That temorary pain has now transformed into permanant pain. For the rest of my life I will feel as if something is missing....and that panicky feeling will take over and leave me clouded and anxious.

In my cloudiness, I lose sight of God at times. I forget to give the pain to Him. I cling to the pain because it is, in a way, my connection to Ayden. I want so badly for the hurt to go away, but at the same time I want to hold on to the hurt because the hurt and loss is now associated with my baby. If I let them go, I guess I feel as if I will let him go. I know that isn't true, but explain that to my grieving heart. I try to read and study God's Word, but I feel overwhelmed by it all. What do I need to read? What scriptures will help ease my pain or at least provide insight?

I am reading Nancy Guthrie's book, One Year book of HOPE

I have found and have been sent several books by friends and strangers. All of them have been helpful, but this one has been most helpful so far...along with Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven. I've just started reading this one, but from the start, it spoke to my heart and addresses many of the road blocks I've been facing.

I have become very introverted. Many who have known since childhood would tell you that I am not a shy person....that I'm outgoing and so personable. Over the years that has changed for some reason. I've become more reserved and I will retreat within myself. Many times, someone will be talking to me, and I will get very quiet. I'm trying not to be rude by not responding to them, but I can't help it. At that moment, all I want is silence. It's almost as if I can't handle the conversation along with life moving around me, so one has to go. I can control the chatter, but I can't control life. So, I choose silence.

I live with the realization that a lot of people know our story. A LOT. It was in 2 local newspaper, has been passed to nearby counties by way of the newspaper and relatives and friends, and many people all over the world have read my blog. In 2 months my blog as been visited almost 80,000 times. I say all of that not for recognition at all. We put our story out there so that Ayden's name would be remembered. Now, though, I realize that I may encounter people who I am unfamiliar with who might know our story. You're going to think I'm being paranoid, but I have been several places and felt the staring of eyes....only to turn and see someone looking at me and whispering to their friends. Ok, yes, maybe they weren't looking at me for this reason, but can you blame me for assuming so? It's almost as if I can hear their whispers, "That's the lady who lost her son.....the one with the blog I was telling you about. It's so sad.....I feel so badly for them." This has happened quite a few times....and it leaves me feeling so exposed because I never wanted the attention put on me. I wanted it on our sweet Ayden so that everyone would see this beautiful little face and know who Ayden Brooks Jones is and was. I realize he is an extension of me, so obviously people will know me, too.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and never talk to anyone else again. I get tired of answering questions....or participating in mundane conversation.....or even leaving the house in order to attempt normalcy again. It would be easier to just hide from everyone and everything, but that isn't possible, and I'm willing to bet it isn't healthy either. But there are times when i just want to be left alone....just let me sit in silence alone with my thoughts, fears, questions, etc.

If only I could be invisible.....

Thank God for my rescuers - the ones who swoop in to save me from myself. I have several rescuers, and I am so very thankful for them. They get me out of the house; they check on me and are brave enough to ask me how I'm doing; they listen; they laugh; they cry; they allow me to speak freely and openly and know that it's okay and it's what I need. They know there is little they can say, but they still offer advice, and it helps. When my mind is muddled and I can't make sense of the simplest things, one of them swoops down with exactly the right thing to say - the right words to cause me to take a step back and change my perspective for a second. I get wrapped up in pitying myself and focusing on how much it hurts and just missing him so much that I forget that I don't have to carry all of this alone. God wants me to give it to Him, and my rescuers want to carry some of the burden as well.

In that first week, I didn't think I'd be able to put one foot in front of the other.....didn't think I'd be able to venture out of the house. I didn't want to be anywhere else. Things are getting better. I've pretty much overcome most of my anxieties; however, there are still places I can't go, things I can't see. I'm getting better at turning my head, ignoring, and pretending. For instance, I know in a public place, I am likely to see a baby. So, most of the time, as I see the baby stroller approaching or mom carrying baby, I just turn and look in the opposite direction and pretend they aren't there. I don't allow myself to dwell on it or think sad thoughts; I just move on.

I haven't had to answer hard questions yet, but they will come. They will definitely come when another child comes along. When I'll be asked, "Is this your first?" and I'll have to explain how Ayden will forever be our first and most cherished child. And who knows how they'll react, but whatever.

I wish people knew more about SIDS. I get really tired of people using the words, "a baby who has SIDS". Babies don't HAVE SIDS. It isn't something you contract or come down with. I think they should take the word "syndrome" out of it because it leads people to believe it is some type of disorder or disability. It's a label, a weak one at that, for the unknown. SIDS = a healthy baby, a baby on track developmentally, but also a baby who passed away suddenly and unexpectedly without warning - therefore prevention and prediction are obsolete because neither one are factors - the last resort ruling, digging at the bottom of the bucket, is SIDS. Babies do not HAVE it; they are affected by it.

Well, I've written quite a bit, and most of it seems to be rambling. Sorry.... My train of thought may come back soon. Until then, you'll have to decipher my many ramblings for some sort of meaning.

I'll leave you with a collage I made using Picnik. I was looking through pictures on facebook and wanted to do something special with these. Hope you like it:

Psalm 119:169-176

Let my cry come right into your presence, God,

provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.

Give my request your personal attention,

rescue me on the terms of your promise.

Let praise cascade off my lips;

after all, you've taught me the truth about life!

And let your promises ring from my tongue;

every order you've given is right.

Put your hand out and steady me

since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;

I love it when you show yourself!

Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,

use your decrees to put iron in my soul.

And should I wander like a lost sheep - seek me!

I'll recognize the sound of your voice.