My Muddled Mind

I haven't been able to write lately. Not that I haven't had the time. I've certainly had the time, but I haven't had the will.

I've whispered a lot of "I wish"es lately.

I wish this wasn't my life.
I wish this hadn't happened.
I wish I had Ayden back.
I wish I never had to know this pain.
I wish God would show me that He hears me.
I wish I didn't have to live another day without Ayden.
I wish I could just go back to when it was all okay and perfect - when life was happy.
I wish I could wake up without being reminded of the fact that my child is gone.
I wish the last three words of my prior wish were not my reality.

I walk around very aimlessly. I think being out of work right now is a contributing factor because I'm not busy with school work. However, I have a feeling that if I was back at work, I'd still walk around with my mind being so clouded. Hence the reason I decided that going back to work was not conducive to my mental state at present. That doesn't mean that when I go back in January I won't have cloudy days or down right ugly days, but I need the time to get my mind somewhat focused again.

Life as I knew it, is over. Life took a sharp right turn for me, and now I feel as if I'm just spinning wheels....getting nowhere. I hate that I'm having to "start over" - learning to live life all over again. My life is supposed to be with Ayden. From the moment he was born, my life shifted, and my role was Mom - to protect and love my child with no inhibitions. And boy did I do that. He is my heart. I couldn't go anywhere without him without aching because it felt as if a piece of me was gone. That temorary pain has now transformed into permanant pain. For the rest of my life I will feel as if something is missing....and that panicky feeling will take over and leave me clouded and anxious.

In my cloudiness, I lose sight of God at times. I forget to give the pain to Him. I cling to the pain because it is, in a way, my connection to Ayden. I want so badly for the hurt to go away, but at the same time I want to hold on to the hurt because the hurt and loss is now associated with my baby. If I let them go, I guess I feel as if I will let him go. I know that isn't true, but explain that to my grieving heart. I try to read and study God's Word, but I feel overwhelmed by it all. What do I need to read? What scriptures will help ease my pain or at least provide insight?

I am reading Nancy Guthrie's book, One Year book of HOPE

I have found and have been sent several books by friends and strangers. All of them have been helpful, but this one has been most helpful so far...along with Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven. I've just started reading this one, but from the start, it spoke to my heart and addresses many of the road blocks I've been facing.

I have become very introverted. Many who have known since childhood would tell you that I am not a shy person....that I'm outgoing and so personable. Over the years that has changed for some reason. I've become more reserved and I will retreat within myself. Many times, someone will be talking to me, and I will get very quiet. I'm trying not to be rude by not responding to them, but I can't help it. At that moment, all I want is silence. It's almost as if I can't handle the conversation along with life moving around me, so one has to go. I can control the chatter, but I can't control life. So, I choose silence.

I live with the realization that a lot of people know our story. A LOT. It was in 2 local newspaper, has been passed to nearby counties by way of the newspaper and relatives and friends, and many people all over the world have read my blog. In 2 months my blog as been visited almost 80,000 times. I say all of that not for recognition at all. We put our story out there so that Ayden's name would be remembered. Now, though, I realize that I may encounter people who I am unfamiliar with who might know our story. You're going to think I'm being paranoid, but I have been several places and felt the staring of eyes....only to turn and see someone looking at me and whispering to their friends. Ok, yes, maybe they weren't looking at me for this reason, but can you blame me for assuming so? It's almost as if I can hear their whispers, "That's the lady who lost her son.....the one with the blog I was telling you about. It's so sad.....I feel so badly for them." This has happened quite a few times....and it leaves me feeling so exposed because I never wanted the attention put on me. I wanted it on our sweet Ayden so that everyone would see this beautiful little face and know who Ayden Brooks Jones is and was. I realize he is an extension of me, so obviously people will know me, too.

Sometimes I just want to crawl into a hole and never talk to anyone else again. I get tired of answering questions....or participating in mundane conversation.....or even leaving the house in order to attempt normalcy again. It would be easier to just hide from everyone and everything, but that isn't possible, and I'm willing to bet it isn't healthy either. But there are times when i just want to be left alone....just let me sit in silence alone with my thoughts, fears, questions, etc.

If only I could be invisible.....

Thank God for my rescuers - the ones who swoop in to save me from myself. I have several rescuers, and I am so very thankful for them. They get me out of the house; they check on me and are brave enough to ask me how I'm doing; they listen; they laugh; they cry; they allow me to speak freely and openly and know that it's okay and it's what I need. They know there is little they can say, but they still offer advice, and it helps. When my mind is muddled and I can't make sense of the simplest things, one of them swoops down with exactly the right thing to say - the right words to cause me to take a step back and change my perspective for a second. I get wrapped up in pitying myself and focusing on how much it hurts and just missing him so much that I forget that I don't have to carry all of this alone. God wants me to give it to Him, and my rescuers want to carry some of the burden as well.

In that first week, I didn't think I'd be able to put one foot in front of the other.....didn't think I'd be able to venture out of the house. I didn't want to be anywhere else. Things are getting better. I've pretty much overcome most of my anxieties; however, there are still places I can't go, things I can't see. I'm getting better at turning my head, ignoring, and pretending. For instance, I know in a public place, I am likely to see a baby. So, most of the time, as I see the baby stroller approaching or mom carrying baby, I just turn and look in the opposite direction and pretend they aren't there. I don't allow myself to dwell on it or think sad thoughts; I just move on.

I haven't had to answer hard questions yet, but they will come. They will definitely come when another child comes along. When I'll be asked, "Is this your first?" and I'll have to explain how Ayden will forever be our first and most cherished child. And who knows how they'll react, but whatever.

I wish people knew more about SIDS. I get really tired of people using the words, "a baby who has SIDS". Babies don't HAVE SIDS. It isn't something you contract or come down with. I think they should take the word "syndrome" out of it because it leads people to believe it is some type of disorder or disability. It's a label, a weak one at that, for the unknown. SIDS = a healthy baby, a baby on track developmentally, but also a baby who passed away suddenly and unexpectedly without warning - therefore prevention and prediction are obsolete because neither one are factors - the last resort ruling, digging at the bottom of the bucket, is SIDS. Babies do not HAVE it; they are affected by it.

Well, I've written quite a bit, and most of it seems to be rambling. Sorry.... My train of thought may come back soon. Until then, you'll have to decipher my many ramblings for some sort of meaning.

I'll leave you with a collage I made using Picnik. I was looking through pictures on facebook and wanted to do something special with these. Hope you like it:

Psalm 119:169-176
Let my cry come right into your presence, God,
provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
Give my request your personal attention,
rescue me on the terms of your promise.
Let praise cascade off my lips;
after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
And let your promises ring from my tongue;
every order you've given is right.
Put your hand out and steady me
since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
I love it when you show yourself!
Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
And should I wander like a lost sheep - seek me!
I'll recognize the sound of your voice.


  1. I follow your blog and read every word you say.This post has me in major tears. My heart breaks for you and I pray for you nightly. I am a stranger, but know that I am praying for you. I can't imagine what you are gong through, but I can pray for you and read your blog.Love, Brooke

  2. No matter how you feel today, well, 7 years from now, you will NEVER "let go" of sweet Ayden, trust me.

    Seven years ago today was the last time I ever held Grayson. Seven years ago today I had no idea what was about to happen. I thought life was perfect and had no idea what true pain is. I had no idea I would go to bed and when I woke up what I would find...

    But, I am here to talk about it (even on the eve of Grayson's "angel day"), and you will be too one day. I never thought I would get through it and be normal again...but I'm here, seven years later. And I promise, Grayson is still a HUGE part of our family, and my love for him is even greater. And we have never "let go", even though our lives are much better now and we are happy again. The two of you will be again also!!! You will find that Ayden will forever be a huge part of your family, and you don't have to "let go"...and you can still be happy. I pray the two of you find that place sooner than later.

    Remember, I don't "have a way" with words, so I hope you understand what I'm "trying" to say...

    Thinking about the three of you and I love you - Kelley

  3. Hello Dear friend,

    You made me laugh today.....I get the very same thing......hey that is that Lady that lost her son and her blog......At first I thought it was just some strange people starring at me know I understand it is most definitely the blog.

    I really highly dislike the word SIDS. It makes me vomit when I think about the word. I Dislike the word "prevention". Some parents have treated me like it was my fault because I did not follow the prevention guide lines. My answer to them is how can we prevent it if they do not know what causes it? I get a little annoyed by the whole entire SIDS thing.
    I have my wish list as well. Death is hard, a loss is a loss but, I truly believe that it is brutal to bury a child. It shakes you to the very core. My prayers are with you today as you go to church. I understand that.

    I added your blog to my sons blog as an angel Mommy. I was wondering if that is okay with you?

    Your friend from AZ

  4. Oh sweetie my heart is so very broken for you now. I wish that this wasnt your life...and Im SO sorry it is :(

    This was on the back of my nieces card they passed out at her viewing:

    "He brought out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18:19

    This really speaks to me. We miss her very much and would give ANYTHING to bring her back...but she is such awesome hands with someone who loves her as much as us. This is very true for your Ayden as well. God KNOWS your pain and FEELS it with you.

    Please be gentle with yourself today. My prayers are with you daily.

  5. I've got nothing profound to say...

    just that I'm still praying for you!

  6. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your precious Ayden. Hugs!

    Stacey from CA

  7. I just caught up on your entries. I too have just started the "Hope" book,now at week 2. I am so glad that it is speaking to you as well and that we have 365 days of anchoring ourselves in hope to hold on to. I am a delayed griever, having stuffed everything inside, but many years later found that grief doesn't stay stuffed forever. Kick, scream, sob, laugh, talk, be silent, get professional help, lean on your church, journal, paint, DO whatever you need to do and honor your grief. Grief is not graceful, it is raw, ugly, scary,seemingly endless and isolating and a completely natural/normal/healthy response. Just keep going, and resting, and going again. There is hope and God Bless Nancy Guthrie for writing this book to help us to have and hold on to hope.

  8. I am so very sorry for your unbearable loss. I cannot even imagine what you are feeling. I lost two children before they were born, but I know it's not the same because as much as I loved them, I never got to know them as you did with your precious Ayden.
    I lost my mom a week ago so I know what you mean about wanting to withdraw and not have to deal with people. I miss her terribly and don't feel like getting up and going on with "life" but I know I have to. You have been such an inspiration to so many people and I can only imagine the numbers that are drawing strength through you and your story. If nothing else, by putting your story out there, you have many mothers holding their own children a little closer and giving them that extra love and attention.
    I continue to pray for you and your husband.

  9. Wanted to leave you the lyrics to a song we sung in church today. I immediately thought of you when our pastor explained the history of the hymn. It was written by Horatio Spafford in 1883, after losing all four of his daughters to drowning. Two years prior to that he lost his son in a fire. He was back over the water where his daughters died and wrote this song. Year later he too, lost an infant son. I pray for you daily and hope that one day you too can say "It is well with my soul".

    It Is Well with My Soul

    1. When peace, like a river,
    attendeth my way,
    When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot,
    Thou hast taught me to say,
    “It is well, it is well with my soul”

    Chorus: It is well (it is well)
    with my soul (with my soul)
    It is well, it is well with my soul

    2. Though Satan should buffet,
    though trials should come,
    Let this blessed assurance control,
    That Christ has regarded
    my helpless estate,
    And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
    (Repeat chorus)

    3. My sin, oh the bliss
    of this glorious thought!
    My sin, not in part but the whole,
    Is nailed to the cross,
    and I bear it no more,
    Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
    (Repeat chorus)

    4. And Lord haste the day
    when the faith shall be sight,
    The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
    The trump shall resound,
    and the Lord shall descend,
    Even so, it is well with my soul.