I don't have a lot to write about. No bells and whistles for the 100th post. Today was just like any other day - a day without Ayden. I can't tell you how empty it feels. I sit around with nothing to do....and I hate it. I want to be holding him, changing his diaper, feeding him, watching him play, making him smile and laugh, putting cute clothes on him, listening to him talk.....I'd rather every minute of my day be consumed with him than ever have any of this free time I now have.
So, what did I do today? Went to church....and I was late. We missed most of the worship...not entirely on purpose but I can't say I was motivated to make it on time. However, I was able to sing a few of the songs today, but I still cried through others. After church, we enjoyed a wonderful conversation with our friends Jill and Cliff. I enjoy talking to Jill. Although neither one of us can relate situationally, we can relate emotionally. I'm so thankful for her and that she lets me be very open and honest with her - and vice versa. After that, we went out to Fall Fest. Our church holds a Fall Festival every year, so we went to have some food....cotton candy...ice cream...and play some cornhole. I don't think either Jeremy or myself felt much like being there...so we left early. I tried to push the memory from my mind that this time last year, Ayden was "with us" - I was about 10 week pregnant at the time, and were so excited. What a difference this year.....
Remember my little friend from church who gives me a hug every Sunday? She was back at church today! I had missed seeing her due to vacations of our own and then some of her own as well. But, she was there and I was so happy to see her! I didn't get my hug, though. :( I think they had to leave early. I did send a little smile her way....I think she saw me. When she's old enough to understand the therapy she has been to me....I will share with her how she helped me through the hardest experience of my life.
The rest of the afternoon was spent lounging around. I don't do naps well. I try....but rarely get results. I'll cat nap for about 10 minutes and then wake up and be wide awake. So, I just laid around and took advantage of our Netflix subscription by watching some movies online. Jeremy got a good nap in....with an elaborate dream that involved our pastor taking bets on baseball games (probably because he was going around Fall Fest trying to sell football tickets). Meanwhile....outside in the backyard, Miss Gracie had chewed through our water hose. Seriously, she must be monitored at all times or destruction will come.
I want to share part of a message I received today on facebook. Daily I receive messages from friends and strangers....just sharing their thoughts, prayers, condolences, and sometimes I will get stories about how their life has been changed through our situation. I take no credit in those situations; that's all God. I'm just the clay....
Anyway, I wanted to share a part of the message that isn't too personal to share, but it's the part that struck me most. Apparently, this person had read about me desiring another child (as many as I can get, really!), and she answered that with such a beautiful, touching picture. Here is what she wrote:
I understand you are praying for a new little baby. The baby will come. I assure you, Ayden is in heaven conducting little baby interviews behind a little baby desk, personally picking from a long line of babies applying to be with you guys. He has a little baby pen and is making notes during every interview. Ayden is sitting there making notes after the interviews-nope, that one doesn't have mommy's smile or her eyes. That one doesn't have the drive my Mom and Dad have. That one doesn't like ECU Pirates, so he's out. That one doesn't meet my expectation so he definitely isn't the one. When Ayden picks the perfect one for "the position" the baby will come. He/she will have Ayden's stamp of approval, sent directly from him. When the baby comes there will be a note somewhere saying-To Mommy and Daddy-I picked this one just for you. Love Ayden This is what I picture for you.
I love that picture. Ayden's brothers and sisters will know him. I don't know how all of that works, but I do like to think that our loved ones in Heaven may be able to go to God on our behalf. I've asked Ayden several times to please go to God for us....ask Him to give us peace and comfort....let Him allow us to "see" you in some way. I've in turn asked God to please tell Ayden how much we love him, to tell him that we are sad that we can't be with him but we are so very proud of him and pleased that he is with God. As a parent, you want the absolute best for your kids. Well, Ayden has it. (Not that I'm incredibly happy that he is not with us, but if we can't have him right now, I find comfort knowing he is in a perfect, indescribable place).
I want to leave you all with a poem. I'm sure you've read it. It is hanging up in my parents' house - a memory of my grandfather's passing 6 years ago. When I was cleaning the other day, amongst the other clutter that came out of my drawer was a post it note with this poem on it. I don't remember why I wrote it down, but I know I wanted to be able to have it.....just in case....as a reminder I guess. Amazingly, it fits our situation even better than the one it was first intended for:
The Broken Chain
We little knew that morning
that God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly
in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
you did not go alone;
For part of us went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories
your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.