Held

Greetings from a new laptop. Yes...mine is close to crashing, we believe, so in order to be able to save all of our pictures, videos, and various other files, we needed a new computer fast! I ended up getting an external hard drive to store all of the pictures and videos on...that way it doesn't take up too much space on the new laptop, plus it's nice to have them so accessible - I can plug into any computer and have what I need right there! Basically, a 500GB flash drive....so cool.

The past few days have been a blur to me. I've been so incredibly busy, but I couldn't tell you what has been keeping me so busy. Busy is good, though. It has helped a lot.

Yesterday, I had brunch with a friend from church. It was so nice to talk with someone who has gone through a similar experience. She really helps me understand the emotions I'm feeling and where I will be in those emotions down the road. It was so nice to visit with her and get to know her a little better. I hope we can get together more often. I really enjoyed it.

The rest of yesterday was spent getting my new laptop and going to my school's homecoming parade. The parade is something I look forward to every year. I knew I couldn't miss it this year! However, I didn't want to go and get mobbed. So, I trying to remain unseen as much as possible. Some of them are able to find me though...when they have their Mrs. Jones radar on. (Really, they know to find Candi Tucker...then they'll find me!). It was nice to see them, though and get so many hugs. :) Made my day. My mom, sister, and Jeremy joined in on the fun. We walked down to the main street the parade would be on so we could see everything as it came by. What a great job! Everyone looked so great, the homecoming court looked beautiful, the floats were great, the football players were well-behaved (for the most part), the band sounded great, and JROTC looked AWESOME! It was kind of surreal to see these kids ride by and all of a sudden you hear these screams : "Mrs. Jones!!! Hey Mrs. Jones!! We love you Mrs. Jones!!" And then to realize, that's me!? Wow.....just, wow. I was humbled by that. I do love those kids....so much.

Today was a rather busy day as well. Met Lauren for lunch, which is always fun. Hope we can do that often! Then, my SMALL TRIUMPH for the day. I went to Target without reaching the point of hyperventalation. I actually shopped...thoughtfully. I don't buy clothes these days because there really is no point. I'm hoping to be back into my maternity clothes soon (please God, soon!), so I'm hanging on to those for now. Luckily, I can fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, so I can still wear those. (yay!)

After all of that, Mrs. Boykin came to town to pay a quick visit....long enough for me to ride with her to PCC and come back to my house for a quick chat...then she was back to Nash County for revival. However, she and I have big plans for a longer visit next Saturday. She is recording her Christmas album (she is an AMAZING singer!!!), and she records in Kinston, so I will be riding along and hanging out while she's recording. So, we're making a day of it :) We're both super excited.

Tomorrow will be a busy day as well - picking up Candi's husband from the airport, getting pictures developed, then off to the homecoming game where I will be standing on the sidelines. The stands are still a little too much for my nerves at the moment. Looking forward to seeing who will win homecoming queen!


Although the week has been busy, it hasn't been without its moments. As I've mentioned before, I can feel when the tough moments are coming. A couple days this week I've woken up feeling the bad moments coming. But they are necessary. The grief is still raw and hurtful. It'll be that way for some time. In those moments though, I just let go....and I breathe through them...and remind myself of God's goodness even the darkest of times. One piece of advice that is helping me through my grief is actually my own advice. A couple of people have commented on how strong I've been or how they were so proud of me for getting out and staying busy. Well, my reasoning behind being able to do all of that is this: I would have taught Ayden to remain hopeful in light of the darkest of sorrow....to grieve but to also hope and rely on his faith.....to smile about the good times and remember them often....but that it's also okay to cry when you feel sad. As Ayden's mother, if I didn't follow my own advice to him, I wouldn't be living my advice and my example now would I? Even though he isn't here, I'm still his mother, and I should still live the example for him that I would have otherwise. I get through each day because of Ayden and for Ayden. And now the crying begins...

I don't know if "easier" is a way to describe my days lately. Easier in the sense of I am able to smile and laugh and play....but the pain has definitely not subsided. The angry moments are less and less. I've moved into the place of acceptance. Acceptance that this is my life...whether I like it or not. But this is it, and I can either be miserable or I can find hope. I choose hope. Because hope tells me I will see my sweet Ayden again one day - soon! Hope tells me that there is joy to come in our future children - whenever that may be. God doesn't like to see his children suffer; He wants to wrap us in His arms during the sad times and rejoice along with us in the good. I find my strength only in Him.

I'm leaving you tonight with a song I know many of you have heard. It was suggested to me after everything happened. I wasn't able to listen to it until I received Ayden's DVD from his Celebration Service. It was playing on it. As I listened, I just wept and sobbed because it's so true to what we are going through. If you are in our situation or have lost someone close to you, this song will touch you.

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother

While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

[Bridge]If hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our savior

[Chorus]This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be heldThis is what it means to be held.....

-Natalie Grant