This has been my first weekend, since everything happened, that my mom hasn't been with us. Today was our first Sunday at church, just Jeremy and I. (And my little friend who hugs me every Sunday wasn't there....I sure did miss that hug today!) When we are together, we don't talk about the emptiness I know we both feel. We don't have to. It doesn't feel right to just be the two of us. I hated walking into service this morning without Ayden with us. I hate that I have so much time on my hands. I hate that at 9pm, 10pm, 1am in the morning I can do whatever I want and not have to be concerned with waking him up. I hate that I can get all the sleep I want. Catching on yet?
I hate this.
I hate satan for being so deceitful and causing death to come into our world and that my beautiful little boy had to be touched by it. I hate that I can't look at another baby without cringing or wanting to tell his/her parents how incredibly blessed they are to have that baby and to never, ever, EVER take a single second for granted. Because I didn't. I never did. If I got an hour of sleep, I didn't care. Yes, I was exhausted beyond belief, but I had the perfect little baby....who looked to me for love and safety and care. What a blessing! I knew how blessed we were, and every day I reminded myself of that and of the women and families who would love to have the life that I had. I lived life with Ayden as if every day would be our last together, and I'm so thankful I did that. I hope people could see how much I cherished him when we were together......I hope people could see the love the three of us shared. It was, and still is, abundant.
EVERY EXPERIENCE GOD GIVES US, EVERY PERSON HE PUTS IN OUR LIVES IS THE PERFECT PREPARATION FOR A FUTURE ONLY HE CAN SEE. - Corrie Ten Boom
I think God has been trying to tell me something today. A friend from church gave me a book today - When God Winks at You by Squire Rushnell. I started reading some of it, and the author discusses those little extraordinary events that happen in your life....the ones that seem to be coincidences but seem too out of the ordinary to just be chance. He/she (is Squire a girl or boy name?) talks about how God puts these events in our lives with the bigger picture in mind. We face trials and suffering....and God knows and feels the hurt that results from that, but He knows we have to face those things in order for His bigger picture to take place.
I also came across the above quote. Just happened to read one of my friends blogs, and read this quote on her sidebar. It struck me, and I believe it was a little "Godwink" - a reminder, and a promise.
This is a hard road to take. It is hard to trust God through something like this. I can't just roll over and accept that my child had to be taken from me in order for the bigger picture to come together, but I will try.
I have a hard time participating during the singing in our worship service at church. It's not that I don't want to sing or that I have shut myself off. But the words to the songs are different for us now. For example, today we sang a song with these words:
Here I am use me
I will do anything
that you want me to do
to be faithful for you
Oh Father here I am
Oh Lord take my hand
Give me strength I need
to follow after You
For the average, ordinary church goer...those are easy words to sing. I used to sing those words and mean them so intently....send me Lord, use me for you work...in any way you see fit. The weight of the words has changed, now. When the words, "take my hand...give me strength I need..." go through my mind, I am on the verge of weeping because right now, He is leading me by taking my hand. It's the only strength I can find. And in the midst of all of this, He is giving me the strength I need to continue to trust Him.
Think about the weight of the words you sing to God. Really think about it. Because if you mean what you're singing....then you're committing yourself to follow Him in any circumstance...possibly one like ours. The ability to sing those words without feeling weak and overcome with emotion suddenly becomes impossible.
We chose Blessed Be Your Name to be sung at Ayden's Celebrationg of Life Service. The words to that song will forever stay with me. I used to sing that song without really thinking about what i was singing. But if you think about what this song is saying....it's heavy. It's saying that when God gives...I will bless His name, and when God takes away...I will bless His name. It's easy to bless Him when He gives....
...will you bless His name when He takes away?
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. - Psalm 71:20