Last night, I was outside playing with Gracie and happened to look up to the sky. I was thinking of Ayden and what he might be doing today. I was looking at the stars and how bright they were, wondering if he saw the same stars. The night was so clear, but not clear enough. I found myself wishing for the sky to be a little more transparent....just enough for me to catch a glimpse.
I have asked God several times to let me see Ayden - just to let me see him somehow. I believe he answered this through a dream. I'm not sure where I stand on dreams and such, but I have to believe this was sent from God. In my dream, I was out somewhere and I was holding Ayden. However, I was aware that I shouldn't have been holding him. I knew he shouldn't have been there. So, I look at him and say, "I know I don't have you for long since you aren't supposed to be here." Everywhere I went, I was holding Ayden. I never put him down, never let anyone else hold him. And throughout the dream we shared laughter, smiles, kisses, of course many "squishes of the cheeks" and many stares into each others' faces. It was so real....and so joyful. As the dream was coming to an end - and as I was waking up - I remember the two of us becoming very sad. We were both crying and clinging to each other...not wanting to let go. And then, I woke up.
Maybe God decided to let me have Ayden for a little while....I don't know. But the dream was so real that I could feel the weight of him in my arms and I could smell him. I love dreaming about him, but it makes me wake up even more sad.
As I'm writing, I'm having a tough time. I was looking through pictures and videos and became overwhelmed with emotion. It hasn't hit me in this way this week...so it was bound to come. Just hearing his sweet voice and seeing those awesome smiles.....took me back to where we were and then thrust me into where we are. Back to the mindset of , "He should be here!" Tonight at the football game (my school's homecoming game was tonight), I was walking around...people saying hello...seeing students, and my thought was, "Ayden should be here with me. He should be in his snuggli with me carrying him around. People should be oooohhhing and aawwwing over him instead of looking at me with concern and pity." Needless to say, my nerves quickly got the best of me, so we had to leave the game early.
I ache for him and still can't wrap my mind around it all. I doubt I ever will. How can you when everything precious to you in this world is suddenly and without warning ripped from you? It isn't natural; therefore, the emotions I will continue to feel will not take a "natural" course. This will be a lifelong journey. All my life i will have up days and down days. I will smile for him and I will weep for him. I will rejoice that he is in Heaven and that I will see him again, and I will be bitter...selfishly wanting him back here with me. A huge piece of me went with Ayden, and it has been left so empty. To feel that emptiness is like nothing else I've ever experienced. A piece of me is with him in Heaven, and I won't be whole again until I'm with him there. While that is an awesome thought, it's also hard to bear here because I'm left waiting.......
...when all I want is my little boy.