So many people have told me that it's okay to feel any way I feel at any given time. That has become something I've lived by for the past month and a half. However, I have avoided and resisted one stage.....until now. That stage would be the anger stage. I've thought that I have felt angry, but compared to where I was last night...."anger" had not happened to me yet. I was checking facebook and saw that I had been tagged in some pictures. I knew that the pictures were not likely to be of "me"....but I looked anyway. They were pictures of a beautiful, newborn Ayden....the happiest moment of my entire life. Of course I became upset, which is common, but then...an unexpected reaction happened. I became livid. People who know me, know that I am not easily provoked or angered....it takes a lot. Well, folks, I'm living "A LOT"....so it doesn't take much these days.
At that moment, I had an argument with God....the one I've been trusting to see me through this...the one I've leaned on and looked to for comfort. It's a weird feeling, to have so much respect and love for my Lord, but at the same time feel so much anger towards Him. I kept asking Him over and over, "Why did you have to take him from me?" "Why do I have to live here without him?" "Why did you choose us to suffer through this?" "I put all my trust in You, and You allowed this to happen!"
I'm just so tired of feeling this......it is the most relentless, aching pain you could ever imagine....and I feel it every, single day. Sure, I'm able to have happy moments. I am even able to speak of Ayden and recall happy memories at times without becoming overwhelmingly upset. I'm afraid many of you will think I've begun to lose it. Believe me, I'm as sane as I've always been....and I am completely aware that this is natural and healthy. And I also know that God can take me being angry with Him (I told Him I was sorry today.....hope that helped). He is bigger than this and anything I throw at Him. I can't imagine that He would expect me to go through this and NOT be angry.
It's hard to be here in this world and not feel connected to it. There is nothing here that could keep me here if I had the choice. Jeremy? I know he'll be with me...and Ayden...again. I don't even want to think about what one of us would go through if one of us did indeed lose the other one. I honestly don't think God would let that happen....not now anyway. But we would at least have that comfort of knowing. My parents and sister? Same thing....we will all be together again. I watch this world continue to go down...further and further. I am not of this world and certainly don't live for it. I live for something greater...especially now.
I hope it doesn't bother those who read this to "hear me" being so frank and honest. Some would probably feel as if I am sharing too much....that it's too personal. But I feel that if I don't share and let other people in on where I am in my grief, then I'm not being real...I'm hiding my true feelings. In this situation, hiding my feelings and keeping it all to myself only makes it worse.....makes me feel more alone. I don't expect encouragement or wise words (which do, however, help at times) when I share these things....it just helps me to get it out. Someday, I will be able to look back and see how far I've come.
I'm still trying to figure out what I will say tomorrow night at the vigil. I guess I'd better work on that.....
If you're in town and want to come, please do. I'm so proud of my students for putting this together. It's not often that teenagers step outside of themselves in this way. This has taken a lot of effort and planning. I've been so touched by everything they have done.