So many people have told me that it's okay to feel any way I feel at any given time. That has become something I've lived by for the past month and a half. However, I have avoided and resisted one stage.....until now. That stage would be the anger stage. I've thought that I have felt angry, but compared to where I was last night...."anger" had not happened to me yet. I was checking facebook and saw that I had been tagged in some pictures. I knew that the pictures were not likely to be of "me"....but I looked anyway. They were pictures of a beautiful, newborn Ayden....the happiest moment of my entire life. Of course I became upset, which is common, but unexpected reaction happened. I became livid. People who know me, know that I am not easily provoked or takes a lot. Well, folks, I'm living "A LOT" it doesn't take much these days.

At that moment, I had an argument with God....the one I've been trusting to see me through this...the one I've leaned on and looked to for comfort. It's a weird feeling, to have so much respect and love for my Lord, but at the same time feel so much anger towards Him. I kept asking Him over and over, "Why did you have to take him from me?" "Why do I have to live here without him?" "Why did you choose us to suffer through this?" "I put all my trust in You, and You allowed this to happen!"

I'm just so tired of feeling is the most relentless, aching pain you could ever imagine....and I feel it every, single day. Sure, I'm able to have happy moments. I am even able to speak of Ayden and recall happy memories at times without becoming overwhelmingly upset. I'm afraid many of you will think I've begun to lose it. Believe me, I'm as sane as I've always been....and I am completely aware that this is natural and healthy. And I also know that God can take me being angry with Him (I told Him I was sorry today.....hope that helped). He is bigger than this and anything I throw at Him. I can't imagine that He would expect me to go through this and NOT be angry.

It's hard to be here in this world and not feel connected to it. There is nothing here that could keep me here if I had the choice. Jeremy? I know he'll be with me...and Ayden...again. I don't even want to think about what one of us would go through if one of us did indeed lose the other one. I honestly don't think God would let that happen....not now anyway. But we would at least have that comfort of knowing. My parents and sister? Same thing....we will all be together again. I watch this world continue to go down...further and further. I am not of this world and certainly don't live for it. I live for something greater...especially now.

I hope it doesn't bother those who read this to "hear me" being so frank and honest. Some would probably feel as if I am sharing too much....that it's too personal. But I feel that if I don't share and let other people in on where I am in my grief, then I'm not being real...I'm hiding my true feelings. In this situation, hiding my feelings and keeping it all to myself only makes it worse.....makes me feel more alone. I don't expect encouragement or wise words (which do, however, help at times) when I share these just helps me to get it out. Someday, I will be able to look back and see how far I've come.

I'm still trying to figure out what I will say tomorrow night at the vigil. I guess I'd better work on that.....

If you're in town and want to come, please do. I'm so proud of my students for putting this together. It's not often that teenagers step outside of themselves in this way. This has taken a lot of effort and planning. I've been so touched by everything they have done.


  1. I can't imagine your pain and don't know what to say, but I want you to know that I am praying for you.

  2. You can feel anyway you want. . . It's ok. . . That is the amazing thing about God, we can go to him with our angry, our hopes and dreams, our true feelings. . . and he still loves us! Praying for you today! I wish I could be there, but must do FLU vaccinations at the free clinic.

  3. Thank you for being so honest.

    This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

    I see Jeremiah 29:11 quoted a lot, but the other verses are overlooked sometimes...I love the idea of the Lord of Hosts bringing me "back from captivity."

    Praying for you!

  4. You can be as frank as you need to be. Be as angered, sad, resentful...anything. Anything to get you through this. I havent lost a child, but Im a mother and I really can only begin to imagine the level of pain your in. I try to put myself in your place and instantly I have a knot in my stomach, a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Im positive that your reality makes those feelings magnified by a billion...even trillion. So please, say ANYTHING you want! I dont know you and likely will never meet you but my heart is truly broken for you. I pray for you daily. I will pray that tonight goes great. Best of luck with your speech! If I lived by you Id be there in a minute! ((hugs)) from my family in MI

  5. I'm glad that you have shared your honest feelings. Anyone who has been in your situation needs to hear your honest feelings to know that they are not alone. I have just been reading your blog for over a week now, but I know that your honesty will help so many people who feel alone in their grieving. Thank you for your honesty and for revealing your heart to everyone.

  6. Hon, I would be angry to. How can you not be angry? Again, when I was going thru infertility and someone I know very close to me was pregnant and planning to abort their baby, we even told them we would adopt the baby and pay all medical bills for them they still chose to abort their baby. ??? Why would God allow this? Why would God allow these people to conceive a baby and we are unable to? It doesn't make sense as does why Ayden was taken from you. We won't understand this side of Heaven. But...its normal to be angry. Like you said you will be with your sweet Ayden again. Vent to God and cry to God, he is always there for you and ALWAYS in control.

  7. I don't know you but came across your blog through a friend of a friend's blog. I am so sorry for what you are going through and wish I could do something to help. I know you are probably flooded with all emotions on a daily basis and that must be so overwhelming. I'm praying for you that you are able to find some peace in this soon. Here is a blog of a mom who lost her 2 year old twins to a terrible drowning accident around the same time Ayden passed. She wrote a neat blog about "did you know" of the twins. Am hoping maybe it might help to see how someone else is dealing with the loss of their children ~ constantly praying for you ~ Niki in Va.

  8. oops...forgot to leave the blog it is ~

  9. Thank you for being so "raw"...I don't think you're crazy...I think you're amazing...absolutely amazing...
    thanks for sharing the journey

  10. I am grateful for your honesty.

    I never felt or expressed anger towards God until my sister's husband died very unexpectedly twelve years ago leaving behind a 3 yr old and my sister was 6 months pregnant. The first Sunday after the funeral I left after we started singing. I cried and cried and was SO mad. And then scared that I was mad at God. But realized it was a huge turning point in my relationship with Him.

    Please keep sharing honestly - with us and God.

    Love you

  11. Although I can't (& don't want to) imagine your pain, your loss is unbearable. All I can think is that if you have doubts in what you are sharing, is that someone else, less brave than you will probably read these words and find comfort in them. You will reassure someone else that these feelings are "normal" "okay" and real. I know, these are probably not your intentions, just another way your sweet Ayden and your faith will touch someone else.

  12. I know these feelings are hard. You won't always feel this way!!

    By the way, I have also read some of that blog about the twins drowning, that mom is very inpirational, as you are.

    Life will not always be this painful, Lindsay!

    Love you, Kelley - Grayson's mom forever