I'm not sure where I stand on dreams as far as them being used as a link between us and God at times. However, I do believe God can give us moments in our dreams straight from him to answer a prayer or fulfill a desire. He has done that for me twice since Ayden's passing. I dream of Ayden often....several times a week, but many of the dreams don't have a structure...they're just a montage of thoughts that went through my mind during the day. Of course he would be included in there. There have been two, though, that were vivid and real....the kind you don't forget too quickly. Those are the two you'll read about here.
For about a week, I argued with God because I was talking, pleading, asking, saying "Give me something!" and in response - nothing. He wasn't saying anything to me. He wasn't showing me anything. I had come to the point of saying, "Well, if you aren't going to speak to me, I'm going to stop listening." I was so frustrated. He is MY son....I'm in so much pain from this....this that you allowed to happen.....you have to show me something; let me see him!
That night, I went to bed and dreamed of Ayden. In my dream, I was holding Ayden. I was aware that in true life, it was impossible for me to be holding him, so in my mind I was confused because I kept saying, "I know you're not supposed to be here, but I'm going to keep you with me as long as I can!" So, we were out running errands, and I continued to hold him. People would come to me and ask if they could hold him, and I'd say, "No...nooo...he stays with me" So, we continue walking around and the whole time Ayden and I laughed and smiled together. Just as we always did - such a happy, bonding moment. As I started waking up, we both became extremely sad. We clung to each other and we were both just sobbing because we know it was our last moment together. Then...I woke up.
Last night, I believe God gave me another moment with Ayden. It was a quick dream. I don't remember much about settings, but I think we were in our church building. I was holding him and we went in the restroom and stood facing the mirror. I (I meaning me, the sleeping me)
knew what was coming, and I was excited. I held Ayden up to the mirror and said, "Where's the baby?" And he turned his face towards the mirror, saw himself and me, and just smiled and laughed. We did this over and over until I woke up. I woke up feeling so happy! That was one of our favorite games to play with Ayden, and to have that moment back was precious. So bittersweet. But I'm left thanking God for giving me a moment with my little boy.
I miss him so much. Words don't begin to do justice to how it feels. He's everywhere I turn. He's a memory of he and I rocking in the rocking chair at night.....turn the corner, and there he is on his changing table kicking and smiling away....go to the bathroom....there he is in his tub, smiling back up at me because he thought it was so much fun....look to the right of our bed...there he is sleeping so peacefully...smiling in his sleep.....there he is in the mornings in bed with us cooing, talking, and grinning up at the two of us....so happy to be alive, awake, and loved by Mommy and Daddy......there he is in his bouncy seat watching Baby Einstein with his elephant lovie...drool pouring out of his mouth....there he is in his high chair laughing away at nothing! just laughing and being adorable....and there he is on his first day with us, our miracle, the best birthday present I could have ever been given....there he is starting his life with us - trusting us and loving us. I love these memories....I hope I never, ever lose them. He is so precious, and he will always hold my heart. He took a piece with him, so I will never be whole again until I get there. It's so hard to realize that the one thing you need so badly to take away all of this pain is the one thing you can't have. I need him here with me....I need to touch him, hold him, kiss him.....but I CAN'T. I just want to be Ayden's Mommy...and actually get to do those motherly things for him.
Those four months were the happiest four months of my entire life. I felt so fulfilled. I had everything I needed. I had a loving husband who is a fantastic father. I had my precious, perfect little boy who lit up my day and showed me the meaning o f unconditional love. The bond he and I share is like nothing I've experience. Those four months were magical....so full of love and happiness and pure joy. All of that is gone now, and we're left feeling so helpless...and lost.
I'm thankful for the moments God has chosen to give me - to let me see Ayden again. But I'd give those moments up in a second if it meant I could have my little boy back. I have moments of acceptance with God...when I'm as okay as I possibly can be with the fact that my son is gone and nothing can bring him back. But I also have moments when I refuse to accept that he's gone. I refuse to accept that God would allow this to happen to my beautiful, healthy baby.
I received a card today (those are so nice to get these days!) and I loved the verse inside:
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned,
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I often speak of my grief hitting me in waves. This verse tells me that although those waves will come, they will not consume me or take me over. I can walk through this and not be burned as a result. I can go through the grief and the sorrow and the heartache, but I will come out of it, yes with a few scars, because God is walking with me and seeing me through.