Traces of Joy....

I found this note when I woke up yesterday morning. It was waiting for me on the bar in our kitchen. Jeremy and I have been note-writers from the beginning. We met when we were in high school, and how do you communicate when you're "dating" at age 17? By writing notes of course. I have a box full of notes Jeremy wrote to me during our senior year. Honestly, I wish I didn't have them. We dealt with a lot of insecurities....the usual issues teenage couples deal with: jealously, self-worth issues, and just the pressures of life in general (because our lives were "so hard"....I'm glad we outgrew this phase). Jeremy has always been the sappy one. Really....I'm no romantic. I should come by it honestly because my dad is a complete sap, and I'm just like him, but I didn't get this trait. If there was ever a sappy card to buy or a completely cliche, lovey-dovey thing to say, Jeremy would say it. And my response was rolling my eyes. I know, I'm so nice.... I don't know how he deals with me sometimes. Over the years, though, I have come to appreciate his sappiness. It's one of the things I love most about him. While it is corny at times, it's genuine. I know that he sincerely loves me and treats me as if there is no other person in this world who matters more. In turn, I do the same for him. I am quick to tell him how proud I am of him and how much I respect him. I listen to him and support his every decision. I trust him to make the best decisions for us and our life together. I am the submissive wife the Bible calls wives to be, but he is also respectful towards me and considers me in everything, as the Bible calls husbands to do. We're a great match, and I knew it from the first time I met him. We would have never believed we would be leaning on each other through the loss of a child, but I couldn't imagine leaning on anyone else. He is my rock. Once we got married, the shift occured. I was no longer dependent on my parents. That transition was tough at first, but as it has matured over the years, I have seen us grow so much. We truly are one. I remember telling someone that Ayden was not half me or half Jeremy; he is 100% us....because we are one. When I was in labor with Ayden, I noticed the shift. I didn't want anyone else but Jeremy. My mom was there...and she was comforting, but I didn't need her support at that time. I needed Jeremy. And when I got "that" phone call.....I needed no-one else but Jeremy. I will always need my parents, but not the same way I used to need them. However, I will need Jeremy more. It's awesome to see the words of the Bible in action in our marriage. We're not perfect. We disagree (rarely argue...), share different points of view, have different ways of dealing with things, struggle with communication at times, but we always resolve them. I know without a doubt that Jeremy adores me....and that is worth more than anything this world could ever give me. Sappy enough? haha I've always heard that many women marry a man who is a lot like their dad. Oddly enough, it's somewhat true. But I always wanted to marry a man like my dad. I've always admired my dad and thought he was the ultimate type of guy to find in a husband, and if I could meet someone like him....I'd be so lucky. I succeeded, and I'm so blessed. Jeremy and I grew up around each other for our entire lives, but we didn't meet until we were 17. Destiny? Maybe.... God's will? Absolutely. I've enjoyed the journey so far. I look forward to forever with him.



Jeremy is such a great dad. I was so excited to tell him I was pregnant last year. It was something we had talked about and planned for...finanacially, spiritually, mentally, etc. We had prayed for God to bless us with a child in His time, and He did....quicker than we thought He would, but such a blessing! I can't say Jeremy is the most patient of people, but Ayden taught him patience. The connection between the two of them was undeniable. Ayden LOVES his daddy. You could see it in that big grin that would spread across his face when Jeremy walked into the room. He never smiled that way for me.....only Jeremy. Jeremy was the first person Ayden smiled at and the first one to get him to laugh. They shared so many wonderful moments. I would listen in on their "alone time" some mornings, and to hear a big, tough man talk baby talk with your child....it just melts your heart (and makes you giggle a little bit, too!). I pray every day for us to have those moments again.....to see Jeremy so happy again. When you look at the two of us, you can see the hole. It's so obvious that we are broken.....even when we're trying so hard to hold it together. It's bittersweet to pray for another child because we want it so badly, but more than anything we want Ayden. Another child will not be Ayden, and while we will love another child just as much, he/she will never fill that hole. Ayden's place can never be filled....those are big shoes (literally) to fill. Our children will know him, though....so well. I look forward to seeing Ayden in them...in little glances, a smile, a laugh....he'll be there.





Before I leave you....take a look at Miss Gracie in her gaudy new harness. Why the new harness? She chewed through her other one. We used to have such a pretty yard. Now we have lovely holes and sand. Her toys - aka: anything she gets her mouth on - are spread all over the yard. I finally went out and got a tether because she just can't be trusted to run free. Now I'm afraid she will somehow choke on it. If it's possible - she will do it. So, I make sure I keep an eye on her. This harness is the ugliest harness I have ever seen. (If you have one and love it, I apologize). However, it was the only one I thought she might not be able to chew through. Wrong. She's had it for two days now and she's almost chewed through this one. Are there such things as chain harnesses? Anyone know? If so, where can I get one? She is a sweet dog, and with training and patience, she is going to be a wonderful pet. We gave her life.....and she has given us grace. A pretty good trade-off, I believe.