No pretty grief here....

Well, we made it Charleston. This is the first time Megan and I have been here. It's a quaint town...very pretty, full of nice people, lots to do, and historical too. It reminds me of Portland, Maine and Edenton, NC all in one. Very interesting.... Today, we just walked around and found out about harbor tours and carriage rides. Then, we walked around the market for a little while - It was okay....nothing I hadn't seen before. But...people have to make money, huh? More power to them...

For supper, we decided to just eat in the area of Market St., so we went to Wild Wings Cafe. Those of you who know me super well know that I do not like to eat chicken while it is still on the bone. However, hooray for me!, I'm overcoming that phobia. I do enjoy wings...imagine that. And I can eat them right along with the best of them (wing eaters that is). So, my sister and I ordered wings. I decided to go with the gold rush and china syndrome flavors. The gold rush was a honey bbq with a pinch of hotness. The china syndrome was a peppery, hot flavor. The gold rush - not through those well. The china syndrome - whooooa. An entire glass of tea later, I was ready for wing #2. How crazy is that? At the rate I was going, I was going to be "tea-logged" with a burnt tongue. So, I left the other three and decided I just wasn't that brave.

When we were on our way back to our hotel, we stopped in at Barnes and Noble. Seriously, if my family is out somewhere and you don't know where to find us - it's a sure bet that you'll find us at Barnes and Noble. I went in with a historical fiction book in mind that I had seen the other day - one on Queen Elizabeth. I love British historical fiction; it's become my new favorite genre. The only thing I don't like is that the authors feel the need to play up the risque.....I'm not into that. So, I didn't get the book for fear of having to read content that would make me blush severely. Also, once we got there....I just wasn't interested in that book anymore. I found myself in the Christian Inspiration area. I literaly searched every shelf....carefully reading each title in order to determine whether or not it was something I would benefit from. Out of my search came 3 books.

1. Drop Like Stars - Rob Bell

I like it. He puts a twist and perspective on suffering that I've never considered before. I will be sharing some excerpts for you soon. Downside: he uses some questionable language in some parts. I was very taken back by it because it's the last thing you expect to see. I don't know if he was using it to make a point or what, but really.....points can be made in other ways, especially if your book is going to be sold in the Christian section. I just feel like that confuses people even more....he's a notable Christian speaker yet he used profanity in his book.......just rubs me the wrong way.

2. Heaven - Randy Alcorn

I haven't started reading it yet, but I'm really looking forward to it. It has been referred by several of my fellow bloggers. I've been told it will be helpful for me, so I got it. Whatever helps at this point....I'm willing to see what it has to say.

3. When God Doesn't Make Sense - James Dobson

I read through a little of this in the store, and some of the content hits exactly where I am and the questions I'm asking. I'm looking forward to reading this one and see if it will allow my perspective to change a little....allow me to gain some sort of understanding.

If you have other book suggestions, I will take them. I find myself searching many books....but none that specifically address my situation. There are many books on grief and losing someone special, but hardly any on losing a child to SIDS. Maybe I should write one..... that's a thought.

Today has been one of those days when I've felt like exploding with tears and just weeping until I couldn't anymore. However, I was in the least private of settings all day. Throughout the day, those feelings eased. They would creep back up (like when I saw a family and their 5 month old little boy walking down the street), and I would just have to take a deep breath and keep walking. I almost excused myself to the bathroom several times to have a cry-fest, but as soon as I'd get ready to go....something would happen that would keep me from it. Finally, the feelings subsided....but the sadness stayed. That's typical, though. I walk around in a constant state of sadness. When people approach us to speak, my part in the conversation is minimal and I tend to become silent and just look around instead of being involved in the conversation. That may seem utterly rude to some, but I can't help it. I feel protected when I have as little interaction with people as possible. I generalize the term "people" here very unfairly because there are people I interact with and enjoy spending time with. It's the people who I don't expect to see who cause me to become very introverted. I know it's out of fear....fear that they will ask a question that will lead to an explanation which will lead me in a puddle of tears unable to calm myself down. Going through a loss such as this leads to unpredictable moments, and that can become very scary.

That hardest part for me right now is the fact that I don't feel like myself. In the wish list I posted in a previous post, it said "I am not the same person I was before my child passed away. I will never be that person again." That statement, for me, is completely true. I used to live life with hardly any concerns.....nothing tragic would happen to me....I prayed daily, I served God, I was obedient, I am true to my husband, we pray together, we pay tithes, we take part in our church, etc.......In other words, I was confident that we were living the life God meant for us. Especially when Ayden came along - perfection personified. We had everything we ever wanted. So happy, so fulfilled....then it all crashed. And so did we. I can only speak for myself, but I used to be a very jovial, happy, impulsive, risk-taking person. That isn't me anymore. I smile and I laugh, but not like I used to. Any impulsive thought I might have had is now replaced with fear of something tragic happening. I just have this constant fear that someone else is going to be taken from me. Something else is going to happen. That's what loss does to you - propels you into fear so encompassing that you can't even think. We won't even get into the intense sadness that accompanies the fear. I've never been depressed, nor do I believe I am depressed. However, I have had depressing moments....moments when I felt so alone and as if I was sinking into a deep, deep hole....never to be found again. A sorrow that deep.....that's what I feel nearly every day.

So, I'm hoping these books can help give me a different way of looking at everything....bring in more hope, as much understanding as possible, and a new perspective. I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow - carriage ride, plantation tour, harbour tour = full day.

Sunday = Megan's birthday - dinner, cake, and presents.

I will be blogging while I'm here. Stay tuned.... Thanks for reading and keeping up with us. I've never felt like a very interesting person, but all of that has changed now, I guess. I just hope I can help bring hope to others going through our situation. I also hope I can help grieving mothers vocalize their feelings by documenting my true, raw, uncensored emotions at all times. Grief isn't meant to be you won't get pretty grief from me. But I can guarantee grief accompanied with hope from our Father in Heaven for it is through him that I find the strength to make it through each day.

Enjoy your Saturday - hope the weather is nice for you all.



  1. Lindsay,
    You don't have to hope that you have vocalized other's feelings by documenting your's. You already have in 1 person, at the least. Thank you again for your true, raw, expressions of your emotion. Still here and still praying every day in Missouri. By the way, the garden is beautiful, and the pictures of you and Ayden, and so is Gracie. I love that you posted about her and Tucker's experience the other day. I laughed a little : )! I also added Ayden's button to my page. I surely won't forget him.

  2. I hope you enjoy your trip. I dont have any words to offer so Ill offer ((hugs)).

  3. Good morning Lindsay...I just figured out how to add Ayden's button to my blog and I love it. I know it was just a passing comment in your post today, but I think you could write an awesome book. Every time I read your posts I am fulling engaged and can "hear" you as I read. Have a great time in Charleston!

  4. Im in Charleston too!! If I run across you I will give you a hug!!! I wish there was a way to take away some of your pain!!! I think you are an amazing person!!!

    Lindsay Phillips

  5. i have been following your blog since your precious son died. I followed a link from Jonah's blog spot. Your blogs are so filled with emotion and I thankyou for sharing this with us.I wanted you to know that me and my home group have been praying for you and your family every single week. We are worlds away from you... but God's love is universal and he hears all our prayers.
    Praying for you from Perth, Western Australia

  6. It is so powerful how through suffering, God shapes us into His messengers for others. (2 Cor 1:3-5)

    There are no coincidences...only winks from God to give us hope. Consider this: God has been "winking" at you and Jeremy through butterflies playing and dancing. Expect that He will continue to wink at you to direct your paths (e.g. should I write a book?)

    I have a book I've been wanting to share with you..You'll get it soon.

    Virtual hug inserted here...Got it?

  7. I am so happy to hear you picked up the book Heaven. I am plodding through it (it is a lot if info to absorb at one sitting) and I love it...It gives me a glimpse of where Caden spends her time...where I will be one day...makes me excited and hopeful for my future. I am praying for you.
    This may not be helpful, but one thing I have learned this past year about loss and greif is even though people do not understand where you are coming from...even someone who has lost a chid, because let's face it, everyones story is different and personal. Almost everyone has experienced grief or loss in some way...and it has affected them greatly. I know people who have lost a parent who are not over it...who cry everyday still...they hurt. They might not know what I have gone through, but they know greif and loss and hurt and saddness...that is a feeling most people can relate to. I guess my reason for telling you this is so you do not withdraw from people thinking they have "no idea" how hurt or upet you are. They might not know "exactly" what you are going through...but everyone suffers...
    There is a woman at my church who was paralized from the waist down when she was very young. She and I have so many of the same feelings...for TOTALLY different situations. The death of a dream...the death of a future, is heartbreaking and devestating no matter what that future or dream is. She and I share so many of the same verses and quotes that encourage and comfort us. I encourage you to reach out to these kind of people...although your stories are different you can comfort and encourage one another in Christ.
    Peace to you today

  8. I recommend "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser.

  9. Lindsay - I was about to e mail you, are you able to get your e mails while out of town? Anyway, I'm glad you have some books!! They do help, I threw myself into books. And no, there are not any books on SIDS, it was very frustrating, and I've always wondered "WHY"? That is the main reason I sent you that book.
    Thinking of you - Kelley

  10. Lindsay,

    I think you should write a book. Your raw words allow us to see and feel your heart.

    Sometimes the knowledge and belief in the "life is a midst" scripture is the only thing that make sense. I picture what that looks like and think "that is my life. over in a fraction of a second." I am both humbled and strengthened by that. I've been reading a book called "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. I think it will take ten times for it all to sink in. It's about being so passionately in love with God that our response to Him is a natural overflow of that love.

    It isn't a book about suffering, but this guy's words helped me understand. And even moments when I've embraced my suffering. (Scary to even write that). Knowing that God uses this and having this urgency and almost alarm for people around me to know Jesus.

    One of the chapters is entitled "your best life......later". It's not now. Now really really sucks sometimes. Now makes me long for heaven - which I thought I did before but really didn't.

    This book may not speak to you in the same way as it did for me. But I wanted to mention it.

    Like so many others wrote, I wish I could hug you.


  11. I am still praying for you every day. I love to read your blogs and would have to agree that you should write a book. Hey, maybe that's the extra income you're looking for! The pictures are beautiful! I live in Greenville and everytime I see anything about the town of Ayden, I think of your little guy. He will always be remembered. He must be the cutest little angel in heaven! Take care-
    Holly Manning

  12. I saw your blog from someone else who had you on their list. I saw the word grief & came to read. I also read how you lost your baby to SIDS. God bless you. I also lost our oldest son to SIDS but it has been 20 years ago. I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are walking this lonely road. I know so well some of your feelings. I also am glad you are reading, I was not able to read at first but then came a time where I devoured any & every book I could get my hands on about death & dying & grief & sorrow & etc. I like Heaven we did it as a family Sunday school last year. The Heaven for children was almost easier to absorb. Until I read his fiction books I had a very different picture of what Heaven is. Keep reading! We went to Charleston awhile I ago & I agree it is a mixture of north meets south...sort of! God bless you & you & your husband both rest under the Shadow of the Almighty.

  13. I came over from another blog. I saw your title & had to read it. I am so sorry you lost your baby to SIDS. God bless you. My oldest son died from SIDS & I am sorry you are walking this lonely road. I like the books you are reading. Until I read Randy Alcorns books I had a whole different idea of what Heaven was. We did the book for our home Sunday school last year. The Heaven for Children is almost easier to read. I wasn't able to read much at first but then I devoured any & all books I could find on death & dying & sorrow & grief & etc...I know so much of how you are feeling & can relate. Already he has touched so many people~so much from such a lttle one whose time so very brief~ Enjoy Charleston, it is beautiful there, May you rest Under the Shadow of the Almighty.

  14. Lindsay,

    As a former bookseller, I searched through my resources and located a couple of choices for you regarding losing a child to SIDS.

    The SIDS Survival Guide: Information and Comfort for Grieving Family and Friends and Professionals Who Seek to Help Them by Joani Nelson Horchler and Robin Rice Morris

    A Journey To Healing: Life After SIDS by Monica Cane

    Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis

    I continue to pray for you and your family and your loss. Even though I have never met you, I think of your family often and of your sweet little boy. I pray God will continue to guide you through this difficult time.

    Praying for you,

  15. Lindsey,

    I saw Melissa's post below and wanted to second her recommendations...The SIDS Survival Guide was one that gave me most comfort. It was a really hard read, one that resulted in many, many tears, but that book helped me in a lot of ways. I've also read Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, and think I still have it...I remember that also being a good read, though I only read it once, long ago. Of course, maybe you SHOULD write a book? I would buy it. You have such a beautiful, eloquent way with your words, being able to really put your thoughts and feelings out there in a way WE can understand and empathize with. I think of you and pray for you often.


  16. you don't know me, I linked to you from a comment on The Macs blog. Jess is one of my very best friends. I wanted to leave a comment on this particular posts about book suggestions. Obviously you have probably seen Jess's post about the Hope book by Nancy Guthrie. Jess also gave me a copy of this book, even though I have not experienced pain like she and you have, she just wanted me to be reading what she was. That book has changed my life, my understanding of God (although we can't understand him completely), it has changed so much. So I really really really hope you'll go pick this one up and start it if you haven't already.

    I am so sorry for the loss of Ayden. I can tell through your blog that God is using you and Ayden's story to share the hope of Christ. I am trying to get caught up on your blog to know your story better.