No pretty grief here....

Well, we made it Charleston. This is the first time Megan and I have been here. It's a quaint town...very pretty, full of nice people, lots to do, and historical too. It reminds me of Portland, Maine and Edenton, NC all in one. Very interesting.... Today, we just walked around and found out about harbor tours and carriage rides. Then, we walked around the market for a little while - It was okay....nothing I hadn't seen before. But...people have to make money, huh? More power to them...

For supper, we decided to just eat in the area of Market St., so we went to Wild Wings Cafe. Those of you who know me super well know that I do not like to eat chicken while it is still on the bone. However, hooray for me!, I'm overcoming that phobia. I do enjoy wings...imagine that. And I can eat them right along with the best of them (wing eaters that is). So, my sister and I ordered wings. I decided to go with the gold rush and china syndrome flavors. The gold rush was a honey bbq with a pinch of hotness. The china syndrome was a peppery, hot flavor. The gold rush - not bad...got through those well. The china syndrome - whooooa. An entire glass of tea later, I was ready for wing #2. How crazy is that? At the rate I was going, I was going to be "tea-logged" with a burnt tongue. So, I left the other three and decided I just wasn't that brave.

When we were on our way back to our hotel, we stopped in at Barnes and Noble. Seriously, if my family is out somewhere and you don't know where to find us - it's a sure bet that you'll find us at Barnes and Noble. I went in with a historical fiction book in mind that I had seen the other day - one on Queen Elizabeth. I love British historical fiction; it's become my new favorite genre. The only thing I don't like is that the authors feel the need to play up the risque.....I'm not into that. So, I didn't get the book for fear of having to read content that would make me blush severely. Also, once we got there....I just wasn't interested in that book anymore. I found myself in the Christian Inspiration area. I literaly searched every shelf....carefully reading each title in order to determine whether or not it was something I would benefit from. Out of my search came 3 books.

1. Drop Like Stars - Rob Bell

I like it. He puts a twist and perspective on suffering that I've never considered before. I will be sharing some excerpts for you soon. Downside: he uses some questionable language in some parts. I was very taken back by it because it's the last thing you expect to see. I don't know if he was using it to make a point or what, but really.....points can be made in other ways, especially if your book is going to be sold in the Christian section. I just feel like that confuses people even more....he's a notable Christian speaker yet he used profanity in his book.......just rubs me the wrong way.

2. Heaven - Randy Alcorn

I haven't started reading it yet, but I'm really looking forward to it. It has been referred by several of my fellow bloggers. I've been told it will be helpful for me, so I got it. Whatever helps at this point....I'm willing to see what it has to say.

3. When God Doesn't Make Sense - James Dobson

I read through a little of this in the store, and some of the content hits exactly where I am and the questions I'm asking. I'm looking forward to reading this one and see if it will allow my perspective to change a little....allow me to gain some sort of understanding.


If you have other book suggestions, I will take them. I find myself searching aimlessly....so many books....but none that specifically address my situation. There are many books on grief and losing someone special, but hardly any on losing a child to SIDS. Maybe I should write one..... that's a thought.

Today has been one of those days when I've felt like exploding with tears and just weeping until I couldn't anymore. However, I was in the least private of settings all day. Throughout the day, those feelings eased. They would creep back up (like when I saw a family and their 5 month old little boy walking down the street), and I would just have to take a deep breath and keep walking. I almost excused myself to the bathroom several times to have a cry-fest, but as soon as I'd get ready to go....something would happen that would keep me from it. Finally, the feelings subsided....but the sadness stayed. That's typical, though. I walk around in a constant state of sadness. When people approach us to speak, my part in the conversation is minimal and I tend to become silent and just look around instead of being involved in the conversation. That may seem utterly rude to some, but I can't help it. I feel protected when I have as little interaction with people as possible. I generalize the term "people" here very unfairly because there are people I interact with and enjoy spending time with. It's the people who I don't expect to see who cause me to become very introverted. I know it's out of fear....fear that they will ask a question that will lead to an explanation which will lead me in a puddle of tears unable to calm myself down. Going through a loss such as this leads to unpredictable moments, and that can become very scary.

That hardest part for me right now is the fact that I don't feel like myself. In the wish list I posted in a previous post, it said "I am not the same person I was before my child passed away. I will never be that person again." That statement, for me, is completely true. I used to live life with hardly any concerns.....nothing tragic would happen to me....I prayed daily, I served God, I was obedient, I am true to my husband, we pray together, we pay tithes, we take part in our church, etc.......In other words, I was confident that we were living the life God meant for us. Especially when Ayden came along - perfection personified. We had everything we ever wanted. So happy, so fulfilled....then it all crashed. And so did we. I can only speak for myself, but I used to be a very jovial, happy, impulsive, risk-taking person. That isn't me anymore. I smile and I laugh, but not like I used to. Any impulsive thought I might have had is now replaced with fear of something tragic happening. I just have this constant fear that someone else is going to be taken from me. Something else is going to happen. That's what loss does to you - propels you into fear so encompassing that you can't even think. We won't even get into the intense sadness that accompanies the fear. I've never been depressed, nor do I believe I am depressed. However, I have had depressing moments....moments when I felt so alone and as if I was sinking into a deep, deep hole....never to be found again. A sorrow that deep.....that's what I feel nearly every day.

So, I'm hoping these books can help give me a different way of looking at everything....bring in more hope, as much understanding as possible, and a new perspective. I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow - carriage ride, plantation tour, harbour tour = full day.

Sunday = Megan's birthday - dinner, cake, and presents.

I will be blogging while I'm here. Stay tuned.... Thanks for reading and keeping up with us. I've never felt like a very interesting person, but all of that has changed now, I guess. I just hope I can help bring hope to others going through our situation. I also hope I can help grieving mothers vocalize their feelings by documenting my true, raw, uncensored emotions at all times. Grief isn't meant to be pretty....so you won't get pretty grief from me. But I can guarantee grief accompanied with hope from our Father in Heaven for it is through him that I find the strength to make it through each day.

Enjoy your Saturday - hope the weather is nice for you all.

Lindsay