My Biggest Fear


The last month and a half has been a whirlwind of emotions. I'm still struggling with the waves as they come. Thank you all who remind me daily that what I'm feeling is normal and that I'm allowed to feel whatever I'm feeling at any given time.

Yesterday I mentioned how hard my day had been. I shared one of the reasons for the bad day with one of my friends today. She and I text - every day - throughout the day. I honestly don't know how I'd make it through the day without her. She and I have been friends since we were 5 years old - she's more like a sister than a friend. We know each too well... When she heard what happened with Ayden, she flew down as quickly as possible. She came to the service and stayed with us for a few days. Since then, we've been texting daily. Anyway, I shared with her my biggest fear, which has surfaced out of all of this. I think it is probably the biggest fear of any parent who has suffered the loss of a child.....the fear that the child will be forgotten.

I know Jeremy, myself, and our families will never forget Ayden - ever. However, realistically, I know that Ayden will become a fleeting thought to others. We will meet new people who don't associate us with our precious little boy - people who don't look at us and see parents. (Cari - you just popped into my mind - thank you for your comment today - it was super encouraging.) With our next child, we'll constantly be faced with people thinking he/she is our first. It makes me want to scream to the world that Ayden Brooks Jones was born - he was here - he was sweet and beautiful and had the sweetest little laugh and he even had the same little dimples I have on my cheeks - I want the world to know my son and acknowledge his significance. Realistically - I know that can't happen, but I will do my best to make sure Ayden is remembered. Luckily, for starters, I work in a little town called Ayden, NC (no I didn't name Ayden after the town, but I did like the spelling). Every time I see the water tower or a sign pointing towards Ayden....his face flashes through my mind. I hope my students and co-workers and passersby who know our story will do the same. Maybe it isn't a coincidence that we chose that spelling....

I went by school today. I had to drop of some things off and sign some paperwork. It was nice to be back and a little less nerve-wracking than last time. I didn't get to visit very long because school was close to ending. Of course, I had to stop by and see my best, best friend - Candi. Oh I have missed her. It was nice to just chat for a little while about the goings on at school. I had forgotten how interesting the lives of high school students are. Homecoming is next week, so they're gearing up for that. I'm planning to help out with some of the festivities and take part in the ceremony on Friday night. I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of my kids - I miss them....I admit it. I kind of love them.... I should love them - I found out today I was voted favorite teacher by the students (the voting was for a survey in the yearbook). Pretty awesome.... To me, that's a bigger honor than teacher of the year. I always said that students should be allowed to take part in voting for teacher of the year. They're the ones on the receiving end of education - shouldn't they have a say in which teacher instructs them best? On the other hand...they tend to vote by playing favorites....and would likely vote for the easiest teacher or the one who lets them get away with the most. (That's not me, by the way.....) Anyway, I feel honored to be so liked/loved. I hope they know how much I love them, too.....

My parents, myself, and my sister leave for Charleston in the morning. We're coming back Sunday. I think I can survive 2 and half days away from Jeremy and my house. I've never done well with changes to my routine....and seeing as my "new normal" is something I'm constantly adjusting to, traveling in the midst of it all just throws me off even more....making me very uneasy and unstable. Thank God for cell phones. I can call Jeremy whenever I need to. Plus, I'll have Amber's daily text that'll help me cope.

I hope Megan enjoys her birthday trip. She's going to be the big 2-5! 25 was a big deal for me. It was the birthday I was so looking forward to because it meant I had lived for 1/4 of a century! 21 wasn't big for either of us since we don't drink - so this is the one we've both looked forward to. I hope she'll have a good time. I'm going to try to have a good time as well. I'm going because I want to be there with my sister and make her birthday special. She deserves it. She's an awesome person, and she is going to make some guy feel very special and blessed one day. Pray for safe travels and good times with family.

Funny anecdote from today: Premise - Since we brought Gracie home, Tucker has not been allowed in the backyard unless Gracie is in her pen. Story: My dad was going into the backyard, and in a split second, Tucker took off out the door before he could realize it. Gracie was out of her pen. They have NEVER been around each other without one of them being on a leash!!!! Needless to say, I freaked out! My poor little dog was out there with a big dog with no way to defend himself if something happened. I've never seen Gracie in this kind of situation and had no clue how she would act. I was sure there would be blood....but there wasn't. Tucker took off after Gracie trying to nip at her. Then, Gracie got behind Tucker and started chasing him - we'll Tucker realized the roles had changed and became very scared. So here was Gracie chasing Tucker and Tucker "running for his life" yelping and screaming! Poor little guy. I had to go out there and get them apart (I did this by yelling at them to stop - no way I'd get in the middle of that!), so I grabbed Gracie and picked her up so Tucker would give up and go back inside. Whew.... that will NOT happen again.

Well, that's it for now. I will be posting from Charleston. I'm sure I will need my outlet. Thank you for your continued prayers and for keeping us in your thoughts throughout the day. I'll leave you with some pictures I've been meaning to share:

Ayden's Garden:

A few new things have been added since this picture was taken. It's coming along nicely though. It's grown a bit, too. We still have some finishing touches to put into it, but those will come with time. We've been okayed for a bench, so we're looking into that. We'd love to have a customized bench with Ayden's initials on it, but we need to find someone who can do that for us!

Miss Gracie:

Before: Just another shelter dog

After: A dog with a name, a home, and back yard with lots of digging space. We love her, and we're pretty sure she loves us too.

New Pictures of Ayden: These were taken in July at a birthday for a dear friend of mine. Her husband is a childhood friend of mine, and I've grown to love Steph just as much as I do Eric. She is very talented with a camera, so these are some pictures she took of me and Ayden. I will cherish them always.


  1. I still pray for you and Jeremy. Those pictures are wonderful! Hope you enjoy a safe trip!

  2. I know you will never forget your beautiful son but I can understand your fears about others forgetting him. I posted a comment once before and I don't know you but I do read your blog every day and I have added your Ayden button to my blog in hopes of not forgetting him.

    I hope you enjoy some time on your trip

    The pictures you posted are just beautiful. I bet you will cherish them always.


  3. prayed for you and your trip.

  4. Lindsay,
    You want a bench for Ayden's garden...? My step father lives in RM and is a wonderful craftsman. He works exclusively with wood, though (he built the crib and changing table for Seraph's room if you've seen pics). I'm sure he would love to build you a bench. Let me know if you are interested. I know you mentioned an iron bench in a previous post...But if you'd love a beautiful, one of a kind, wooden bench, then I have just the man for the job! He does very nice, precise work. Let me know...and have a great time in SC!


  5. Ayden will not be forgotten. My nephew was taken from us by SUDC/SIDS when he was 14 months old. He would be 17 this month. We still remember his birthday and speak of him often. His younger brother is now 15 and although he never met his older brother knows him through us speaking of him and keeping his memory alive. Ayden will alwys be remembered as he is forever in your heart.

  6. Congratulations on Favorite Teacher...what an honor! That is great!!!

    I love the pictures of Ayden and you, they brought tears to my eyes. I can just see the love in each picture.

    I know what you mean about forgetting, it's still one of my biggest fears. I guess it's one of our jobs left in life, to make sure people don't! No baby deserves to be forgotten, their lives were as important as anyones who lived...MORE important to us!

    I want you to know that Ayden will always hold a special place in my heart.

    BTW, I think Gracie is a beautiful doggy!!!!


  7. The pictures you have posted are so precious. You are such a great and awesome mommy to Ayden! I think about you and your family often and pray often too.
    Ayden will never be forgotten because he is apart of you and Jeremy always.

    I have added Ayden's button to my blog in hopes that I and those that read my blog won't forget him.

  8. I found your blog through a friend of mine and I just want you to know I have been praying for you. I have twin boys who went to Heaven last March. That has always been my biggest fear...them being forgotten. One thing we do every year on their birthday is get a cake and release balloons. Everyday is a struggle but I promise it get easier. They will never be forgotten and one day you will be reunited. Maybe our boys are playing with each other. Take care and know you are not alone. This verse helped me in my recovery (I'm sure you have heard it a million times) For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 He will not leave you stranded!!

  9. Great pics of you and your little man. So sweet.

    I saw you mentioned Gracie has a lot of digging space in your backyard...does she dig? My lab has decided she is going to excavate the front yard and my hubby is not to happy about it. I re-fill the holes and she proceeds to re-dig them. Sigh!!