Another day....

I left the last post up for a few days so everyone who wanted to could see the slideshow. I realize it can be found again under the archives, but try explaining that to the not-so-blogger-savvy. I'm so glad you all enjoyed it, wept along with it, laughed and smiled at our handsome little boy. He is my heart....

To the right, you should see our new "Remembering Ayden" button. We thought it would be a neat way to keep Ayden's memory going. All you have to do is copy the link underneath and add it as an html/javascript gadget on your blog! It's easy to do, and you'll have Ayden's sweet little face on your blog for all to see.

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Yesterday was pretty uneventful. My mom and I got up, went to meet Jeremy for lunch at Zaxby's, listening to him educate us on SIOP, then she and I went to visit Ayden's place for a bit. I was having a "high" day emotionally yesterday. In other words, I wasn't on the level of blubbering and weeping my eyes out. I was still sad because I'm sad every day. I still felt the ache and pain of his absence. I still felt the sting of loneliness without him. However, emotionally, I was better.

Today, on the other hand, not so in control of my emotions. I say it often - I'm very private with grief. Unless....it has built to a point where it has to get it out and it isn't going to stop for anyone! Today, it was building...and stress on top of stress was causing it to magnify. I just had a really down day...felt so bummed and insecure......almost worthless.

Stress #1: My intern was reassigned. Yep. I was so looking forward to her working with me in the spring, and I was under the impression that she would continue with my classes under the teacher who is working in my place until I come back. Well, I guess minds were changed, so she has been switched over. I was really looking forward to having her with my kids....and just as someone else to lean on in my classroom. She's the one who was going to keep me sane and take over for a few minutes so I could stop crying and regain my composure.

Stress #2: We can't find a solution to our car problem. We need, NEED a lower car payment if I'm going to stay home with our next child (whenever that may be). A lower car payment would allow us to save money to put towards all of that. Well, no luck yet. However, my parents have suggested us taking their car, which will be paid off in 10 months, and using that or trading it for something smaller with less mileage. We'll see....

Stress#3: Not feeling the whole "going back to work" thing. I strongly sense a change of path in my life. When Ayden was born I sensed it. I was no longer interested in teaching nor did I feel very compelled to return to work. My true purpose had been found - and it was right there with my little boy. However, due to financial reasons, I couldn't stay home with him, so I went back to work. I never, ever thought I'd prefer to be a stay-at-home mom...to be a wife and mother. But, I LOVE IT! All summer as I was home with Ayden and we would be waiting for Jeremy to get home....I was excited about cleaning, doing laundry, going on outings, playing with Ayden and taking care of him, having supper ready for Jeremy - there is so much purpose in that - SO MUCH! I felt complete and fulfilled, as if this was what I was meant to do.

Stress #4: The new dog. Love her...she's wonderful....but she stresses me out for some reason. I stress about her interacting with Tucker....and how Tucker has to potty in the front yard now instead of the back yard because it leads into complete mayhem....and the cat can't wander around outside like he used to.... Hopefully, the problem has been solved with Gracie's new dog pen. We'll see.

Stress #5: Starting a family again. I hate the word again. I hate the idea of having to go through this process again after already doing it so soon. I had a baby boy...he was here...he was real. But now, he's gone. It's just the two of us again.....planning for another baby as we did with him. Does it make sense that it makes me angry? I'm hopeful and excited about another baby, but I had my baby....I had the baby I wanted....and now we have to start all over. All of the anticipation...excitement...fears....worries.... that will all be amplified the 2nd time around. I just pray that the joy of a new child comes quickly. We know we are meant to be parents. And although we can't be parents to our precious Ayden anymore, we are parents nonetheless. Once you have been called to be a parent, the desire to nurture, care for, and love a little life the two of you made never goes away.....


Like I said, today has just been a depressing day for me. My heart has felt heavy and languished. All I could think about was Ayden and how my life is not supposed to be like this. All day - questions like these: Why am I in Rocky Mount with my parents like I was before Ayden was born? It's not supposed to be like this./ Why am I going to Charleston for Megan's birthday (not that I don't want to go)? I'm supposed to be staying home with Ayden because the trip was going to be too much for him./ Why am I putting together a dog pen for a new dog? We aren't supposed to have a new dog! We are supposed to have our son here with us.

We are supposed to be watching him grow and experience new things. I was dying to give him solid foods....peas, squash, sweet potatoes....I never got to do that. Now, I'm watching friends live the milestones with their babies that I never got with mine. Do you know how much that hurts? It knocks the breath out of me. To see others living the life I should have right now. I'm not bitter towards them, but I do hope they realize how fortunate they are. They have the life I was on track with....but then, another road was thrown in, and I was forced to take that road with no choice in the matter at all.

It's hard not to feel alone. This isn't something a lot of people face. And even if you've faced it indirectly, you still can't relate to me. That's what makes this isolating. There are few people I can talk to who actually KNOW this from my perspective. The rest of the world out there, though, they don't know. They go about life without a care....everything's perfect....job, family, kids, etc. I don't have that anymore. My life is forever changed. I can't just go to Target and run an errand....not without seeing another baby Ayden's age or seeing the baby clothes....or walking past diapers I have no reason to buy anymore. I can't see someone I know and be chipper and conversational - because conversations lead to questions, and questions lead to explanations that lead to sobbing tears.

It's so hard, and I know it will get easier, but time moves slowly when you lose the one thing in this world that brought you sheer joy and happiness. I know God is a just God, and I know His will is perfect, but I can't see how this is fair. Why do I have to live without my little boy and then have to sit back and watch so many others live the life that was taken from me. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I am a mother without her child - how is anyone supposed to move on from that? What is my purpose now? I found my purpose in Ayden and felt so fulfilled by it. What now?

All I want is to hold him again, smell his sweet oily hair, kiss those cheeks, see that smile and those big blue eyes. That's gone....forever.....or at least until I see him again, which feels like forever.

I'm sorry this post is a little down and depressing...but this is what I've been feeling all day. The one thing that kept running through my mind was "This isn't supposed to be my life." I wanted to scream it at God...and tell Him how angry I was that my life had to be changed in this way. It was perfect the way it was. We were happy. We were so aware of our blessings, and we thanked God every day. Why tear out our hearts after we've been so faithful to You? Why take our son....anyone else but our little baby....there are tons of people ready to go - ready to be with you!! That's what I'm struggling to understand.....

Friday - Sunday, I will be in Charleston, SC for my sister's birthday. Jeremy will be here. :( I'm dreading being apart from him. He is my rock and comfort. I feel ten times stronger when he's around. When I get by myself, I feel so weak and small. Thursday, I plan to spend as much time with him as I can....maybe I can get a little strength put in reserve to take with me. It's so awesome to know and feel the connection we have. I'm so thankful for that. We truly are a great team, and we are always there for each other. We may bicker at times....but never argue. And we always consider each other in everything. I love that. I love us.

Sorry this post wasn't so happy and hopeful as some of the others. Like I said....just a down day.