Another day....

I left the last post up for a few days so everyone who wanted to could see the slideshow. I realize it can be found again under the archives, but try explaining that to the not-so-blogger-savvy. I'm so glad you all enjoyed it, wept along with it, laughed and smiled at our handsome little boy. He is my heart....

To the right, you should see our new "Remembering Ayden" button. We thought it would be a neat way to keep Ayden's memory going. All you have to do is copy the link underneath and add it as an html/javascript gadget on your blog! It's easy to do, and you'll have Ayden's sweet little face on your blog for all to see.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful. My mom and I got up, went to meet Jeremy for lunch at Zaxby's, listening to him educate us on SIOP, then she and I went to visit Ayden's place for a bit. I was having a "high" day emotionally yesterday. In other words, I wasn't on the level of blubbering and weeping my eyes out. I was still sad because I'm sad every day. I still felt the ache and pain of his absence. I still felt the sting of loneliness without him. However, emotionally, I was better.

Today, on the other hand, not so in control of my emotions. I say it often - I'm very private with grief. has built to a point where it has to get it out and it isn't going to stop for anyone! Today, it was building...and stress on top of stress was causing it to magnify. I just had a really down day...felt so bummed and insecure......almost worthless.

Stress #1: My intern was reassigned. Yep. I was so looking forward to her working with me in the spring, and I was under the impression that she would continue with my classes under the teacher who is working in my place until I come back. Well, I guess minds were changed, so she has been switched over. I was really looking forward to having her with my kids....and just as someone else to lean on in my classroom. She's the one who was going to keep me sane and take over for a few minutes so I could stop crying and regain my composure.

Stress #2: We can't find a solution to our car problem. We need, NEED a lower car payment if I'm going to stay home with our next child (whenever that may be). A lower car payment would allow us to save money to put towards all of that. Well, no luck yet. However, my parents have suggested us taking their car, which will be paid off in 10 months, and using that or trading it for something smaller with less mileage. We'll see....

Stress#3: Not feeling the whole "going back to work" thing. I strongly sense a change of path in my life. When Ayden was born I sensed it. I was no longer interested in teaching nor did I feel very compelled to return to work. My true purpose had been found - and it was right there with my little boy. However, due to financial reasons, I couldn't stay home with him, so I went back to work. I never, ever thought I'd prefer to be a stay-at-home be a wife and mother. But, I LOVE IT! All summer as I was home with Ayden and we would be waiting for Jeremy to get home....I was excited about cleaning, doing laundry, going on outings, playing with Ayden and taking care of him, having supper ready for Jeremy - there is so much purpose in that - SO MUCH! I felt complete and fulfilled, as if this was what I was meant to do.

Stress #4: The new dog. Love her...she's wonderful....but she stresses me out for some reason. I stress about her interacting with Tucker....and how Tucker has to potty in the front yard now instead of the back yard because it leads into complete mayhem....and the cat can't wander around outside like he used to.... Hopefully, the problem has been solved with Gracie's new dog pen. We'll see.

Stress #5: Starting a family again. I hate the word again. I hate the idea of having to go through this process again after already doing it so soon. I had a baby boy...he was here...he was real. But now, he's gone. It's just the two of us again.....planning for another baby as we did with him. Does it make sense that it makes me angry? I'm hopeful and excited about another baby, but I had my baby....I had the baby I wanted....and now we have to start all over. All of the anticipation...excitement...fears....worries.... that will all be amplified the 2nd time around. I just pray that the joy of a new child comes quickly. We know we are meant to be parents. And although we can't be parents to our precious Ayden anymore, we are parents nonetheless. Once you have been called to be a parent, the desire to nurture, care for, and love a little life the two of you made never goes away.....

Like I said, today has just been a depressing day for me. My heart has felt heavy and languished. All I could think about was Ayden and how my life is not supposed to be like this. All day - questions like these: Why am I in Rocky Mount with my parents like I was before Ayden was born? It's not supposed to be like this./ Why am I going to Charleston for Megan's birthday (not that I don't want to go)? I'm supposed to be staying home with Ayden because the trip was going to be too much for him./ Why am I putting together a dog pen for a new dog? We aren't supposed to have a new dog! We are supposed to have our son here with us.

We are supposed to be watching him grow and experience new things. I was dying to give him solid foods....peas, squash, sweet potatoes....I never got to do that. Now, I'm watching friends live the milestones with their babies that I never got with mine. Do you know how much that hurts? It knocks the breath out of me. To see others living the life I should have right now. I'm not bitter towards them, but I do hope they realize how fortunate they are. They have the life I was on track with....but then, another road was thrown in, and I was forced to take that road with no choice in the matter at all.

It's hard not to feel alone. This isn't something a lot of people face. And even if you've faced it indirectly, you still can't relate to me. That's what makes this isolating. There are few people I can talk to who actually KNOW this from my perspective. The rest of the world out there, though, they don't know. They go about life without a care....everything's perfect....job, family, kids, etc. I don't have that anymore. My life is forever changed. I can't just go to Target and run an errand....not without seeing another baby Ayden's age or seeing the baby clothes....or walking past diapers I have no reason to buy anymore. I can't see someone I know and be chipper and conversational - because conversations lead to questions, and questions lead to explanations that lead to sobbing tears.

It's so hard, and I know it will get easier, but time moves slowly when you lose the one thing in this world that brought you sheer joy and happiness. I know God is a just God, and I know His will is perfect, but I can't see how this is fair. Why do I have to live without my little boy and then have to sit back and watch so many others live the life that was taken from me. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I am a mother without her child - how is anyone supposed to move on from that? What is my purpose now? I found my purpose in Ayden and felt so fulfilled by it. What now?

All I want is to hold him again, smell his sweet oily hair, kiss those cheeks, see that smile and those big blue eyes. That's gone....forever.....or at least until I see him again, which feels like forever.

I'm sorry this post is a little down and depressing...but this is what I've been feeling all day. The one thing that kept running through my mind was "This isn't supposed to be my life." I wanted to scream it at God...and tell Him how angry I was that my life had to be changed in this way. It was perfect the way it was. We were happy. We were so aware of our blessings, and we thanked God every day. Why tear out our hearts after we've been so faithful to You? Why take our son....anyone else but our little baby....there are tons of people ready to go - ready to be with you!! That's what I'm struggling to understand.....

Friday - Sunday, I will be in Charleston, SC for my sister's birthday. Jeremy will be here. :( I'm dreading being apart from him. He is my rock and comfort. I feel ten times stronger when he's around. When I get by myself, I feel so weak and small. Thursday, I plan to spend as much time with him as I can....maybe I can get a little strength put in reserve to take with me. It's so awesome to know and feel the connection we have. I'm so thankful for that. We truly are a great team, and we are always there for each other. We may bicker at times....but never argue. And we always consider each other in everything. I love that. I love us.

Sorry this post wasn't so happy and hopeful as some of the others. Like I said....just a down day.


  1. Praying with you for financial solutions and minimal stresses. Praying that you will be able to be the stay at home mom that you long to be. That anxieties will calm, that worry will not preoccupy your thoughts as you make plans for a second child. Continued prayers for you and Jeremy as you grieve. Praying that where there is sadness in your heart, that with time you will once again feel joy in abundance.

  2. I'm beside myself right now with sadness for you. I wish there was something I could do to take this pain from you. My words are so awkward, I apologize. I'm just so heartbroken for you and your husband. I'm so very sorry...

  3. you mentioned how you want to scream at God about this whole situation. I think God "gets" that anger and actually expects to hear such things from you. go ahead, scream your heart out, he hears you and gets it....he was in your shoes too at one time. Still praying....Lexie in Arkansas

  4. Don't ever apologize for the way you have every right to feel the way you do.

    God bless you.

  5. Never apologize for what you are have every right to feel that way and more.

    God bless.

  6. I am so sorry you are having a down time right now. All of your feelings are normal and justified.

    I so wish I lived closer and could help more. Or, at least, I wished hugs could be mailed.

    Thinking of y'all - Kelley

  7. My heart aches for you. I don't want to ever go through what you are because I know I would not be half as strong as you have been, Lindsey. You are a wonderful mother and I just pray that the emptiness in your heart will one day be filled again with joy.. not replaced.. just fulfilled again. What a joyous day that will be.

  8. Lindsey, I forgot to thank you for adding the button. I've added it to my blog and hope that the 10 people who might look at my blog see it and pray for you. It's my pleasure to add your beautiful baby boy's face to my blog.

  9. Thank you for making Ayden's "button" available. I just put it on my blog and I hope that everyone will read about his sweet life.

    Thinking about you daily.


  10. Praying for you Lindsay. I can't imagine how you're feeling and I can only pray. I put the pic of Ayden on my page =)
    I will continue to pray!

  11. Oh hon, you have every right to ask the questions you are asking and feel the way you are feeling. It is no fair that you have to be feeling like this, its something that won't be understood this side of heaven. I wish you had your little boy in your arms and were not feeling this pain. I'm praying for you. You need these days to cry and be mad, its only natural. I added Aydens little button to my blog so everyone can see his sweet face.

  12. I am sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your husband and know that the Lord will make clear a way for you to stay home if that is your desire. One thing that has helped us is using coupons. We have been able to drastically cut our food costs. I do not know which sites are good for your area but I live in Atlanta and use and There are many out there, most free. We also follow Dave Ramsey's financial peace university plan. I know this must seem like a trivial comment when you posted so eloquently and that these are just small things. I hope I did not offend you, I know you have more to think about then coupons but, if you are looking for ways, I am praying God opens doors. May God bless you.

  13. OK, I was so there...where you are now. I remember telling a friend that I wanted everyone to know I was a mom...I wanted to go into the grocery store and shout at the top of my lungs "I am a mommy!!!" I wanted people to quite asking me (when I was visibly pregnant with Rigg) if this was my first child. I wanted to avoid everyone I saw in the store...I didnt want to tell them, but I still wanted them to know.
    You are a do not have to do it again, or start are a mommy, Aydens mommy. I remember feeling like I have do start playing "catch up" with all of my friends who were having their second or third I was without my one and only I have to work double time to catch up. Now I realize that everyone remembers..everyone important anyway...they do not forget, they know you are a mom, they know. And they consider you a mom...because they love you and your sweeet son.
    I was so there.
    In John 9 verses 1-3 Jesus is asked why a man was born blind. In that day it was believed that if a child was born with a deformity it was because of the childs sin or the sin of the childs parents. Jesus clearly states that this man was born blind not because of any sin...but so that the Glory of the Lord might be displayed in him. I have gathered much peace from those words. Some things God does just to show His glory. I rest in the fact that Gods glory is being revealed through my precious Caden's short life and her death, and hopefully in my life as I walk this road. Lindsay, God loves you and your honest heart...It hurts, but he knows...He GAVE Jesus up to die, His only son. He knows.
    I hope these words give you some comfort.
    peace and comfort to you today. Keep seeking Him.

  14. like others have said....don't ever apologize for your feelings. My heart breaks for you.

    There is no way that I could ever understand what you are going through. Your feelings of isolation and struggling with others going on with a "normal" life are something I can empathize with.

    Keep sharing all your thoughts and feelings.

    Love you

  15. Once again, I am so sorry for your pain. Healing is a life long process. I still miss my 11 children and I often find myself thinking about them and what they would be like. They will forever live in my heart and I look forward to the day that I will meet them. Ayden's short life has touched many and he will forever live in their hearts. I admire your stregth to blog and share your feelings. I can definately relate. Oddly, I have found great comfort reading your blog, as it validates my feelings and emotions....We're both grieving mothers. Hugs!

    Stacey from CA

  16. Don't apologize for your feelings. . .Hugs going your way!