Coffee and a new friendship...

This morning was one of the peaceful mornings for me. I have mornings when I can wake up and think of Ayden and just feel at peace. I might walk around with a lump in my throat all day, but the peace that I feel helps take the edge off...just a little.

Today was another day of errands. I woke up (well, got up....I had been awake for a while) around 9ish. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, yet, so I just laid in the bed and prayed....had some quiet time with God. I've always wanted to hear God, but I've always felt like I couldn't turn my mind off long enough. I don't even know how to listen for God. Sometimes, when I decide to try, I just sit in silence and listen. But then I feel like my mind is making stuff up, so again, I'm left wondering, who am I hearing? I know all of that was really confusing, but really...how do you know if what you're hearing is God or yourself? It's something I'll have to keep praying about....

After I prayed and sat in silence for a little while, I decided to turn the TV on. I'm going to embarass myself by what I'm about to say, but I don't care. The only TV show I can watch right now is iCarly. Ever heard of it? It's a tween/teen show on Nickelodeon. I stumbled across this show when Ayden was about 2 months old. I had flipped through it several times, but just passed it off as another show I was too old for. Well, one day, nothing else was on, so I checked it out. It's a really cute show, and I like it because it's innocent, clean fun and humor. I don't have to worry about profanity or sexual scenes....just good kid fun. Well, like I said, it's the only thing I can really watch. The problem is, it doesn't come on often. So, yes....I bought season one on DVD, and I need to get season two because I've almost finished the first one (although, I have seen every episode many times...). Now, I can watch it anytime. I don't know why it brings me comfort. 20 years from now, I'll look back and wonder why it took a tween comedy show about silly, predictable humor to comfort me.....but it does. Watching "normal" TV is still hard. There's something about the routine of it all that is upsetting...to both of us. I guess we relate it to our time with Ayden. When this show came on...it was bath time...or bed time...or nap time. Unfortunately, the TV stays on a lot in our house...so we can relate different memories with what was on TV at the time.

Jeremy came home early today - just couldn't pull it together this morning. He's had a rough few days back at work. Not because of the students; just being alone....having down time by himself....being forced to confront everything. Please pray for him. In a way, it makes me wonder if I'm avoiding grieving at times because I purposely distract myself. He has had to force himself to confront his grief and pull himself together to be able to make it through the rest of the day. I, on the hand, have had my mom and sister with me. They don't by any means cause me to avoid grieving. And I don't feel like I am avoiding it, because believe me....I have my moments, but I almost always have them alone or with Jeremy. I'm not an open griever. It's something very personal to me, and most of the time it takes time for me to completely let it all hit me. Right now, it hits me in little waves....and I let the waves come and go. I could let them come in tidal waves, but I'm afraid of being knocked that hard....so hard that you can't find the surface to be able to breathe. That has happened a few times.....when it completely hits, it's hard to stop it. I know I need to let it all out....and don't think I'm holding it all in...not at all. Believe me, I know when I need to process it and how....

Tonight we met for coffee with a couple from church. They have experienced the loss of a child as well. Their daughter was stillborn 17 years ago, so they can relate to us in a way. The situation may be different, but the pain is the same. I respect them so much and am so glad they've reached out to us. It helps to know that someone nearby can relate to what you're feeling. I hate that anyone has to feel what we're feeling, but God places people in our lives for a reason. We know beyond a doubt that Ayden was given to us for a specific purpose, and now, because of our loss, God has placed people in our lives who can show us that you can continue living....the days will get easier....you will never love them less, but the pain will turn into a remembrance....an even clearer assurance that God's promise will be kept; we will see him again. We hope to continue to meet with them frequently. I felt like I could be completely real with them....completely open - because I knew they could understand where it's all coming from.

I've also been fortunate enough to have other mothers reach out to me as well. Three blogging moms have reached out and offered words of hope and comfort. I can't tell you how helpful that has been. Thank you ladies so much.... I look forward to continuing to keep in touch and be in prayer for you and your family as you have been for us.

Ayden's little big feet are making strong impressions in this community and this world....and although it's hard for me to understand why such an impact had to come as a result of losing him, I look forward to running to him in heaven and then meeting every person who was impacted by his little life. We were already so very proud of him....that was no secret....we would, and still do, just beam with pride over him. He's accomplished the only goal we ever had for him....to serve our Lord and be with us for eternity. Although we didn't expect it so soon, at least we know....